The angel I ruined. (Castiel x male reader OC |NSFW|)

Chapter 22: "Unexpected Good Omens"

Today, I was utterly exhausted. Each day, the prospect of a day off seems more and more enticing. I can't deceive myself any longer by pretending I have everything under control. I need a break, at least from work, because a respite from thoughts of Castiel is a luxury I can only dream of.

Castiel finds it challenging to remain at home, and it shows. He's a man of action, or more accurately, an angel of action. Simply waiting for Dean and Sam's return doesn't align with his nature. We had a substantial conversation yesterday, during which I tried to persuade him to reconsider his urge to leave and search for them. Dean asked me to stay with Cas, so that's exactly what I intended to do.

I couldn't help but feel inadequate as company, but then, I couldn't fathom the challenges and experiences that have shaped his life; it's clear that they have little to do with me. I won't allow my own mental health to cloud my judgment. Castiel has faced countless trials, he's a warrior, and rest isn't something he readily embraces. That's just the way he is. This must be it, and I can't let the situation take a toll on my own mental well-being, not because I don't care, but precisely because I care deeply.

I decided to attempt something relaxing with him, watching Good Omens Season 2. It wasn't just the whole angel and demon, heaven and hell concept that led me to pick it, but the romantic aspect of the TV show. I was curious about how Castiel would react to the kissing scene. Was he capable of love?

When the moment arrived, I seized the opportunity to explain to him that Crowley's kiss wasn't about showing love. Crowley had expressed his love a million times in countless subtle and significant ways. The kiss was a desperate attempt to convince Aziraphale to stay, not to leave him.

He seemed to appreciate my explanation but continued to watch in silence until the end.

"Don't tell me it's finished like this..." He seemed a bit bothered by the idea.

"Oh, angel, I'm afraid it is, at least until the next season if they approve one. I've just realized something; their love is like the forbidden fruit. It's right there in full view of both of them all the time, the ultimate temptation. Absolutely forbidden, a betrayal of their God-designated roles, and if they taste it, it'll change everything."

Castiel remained stoic, concealing his emotions, until I mentioned the betrayal of their God. The room suddenly felt heavy, and I wasn't sure if I had said something wrong. So, I attempted to prompt Castiel to share what was on his mind.

"What's on your mind? Did you like the show? What do you think about it?"

Castiel remained silent for a moment, pondering his response. With his head slightly tilted down and his gaze fixed on the floor, he spoke quietly but maintained his matter-of-fact tone.

"The show reminded me of the inner struggle I endure, unable to freely express or act on my own feelings. It's a constant conflict, torn between following God's will and being true to myself."

"And how do we know God's will to act accordingly? Isn't it a battle we can't win?" That's a question that has always gnawed at my soul.

Castiel considered the question seriously before responding. He spoke slowly, as usual, carefully choosing his words to convey his thoughts.

"It is a constant struggle, one I'm not sure I can ever win. Sometimes I feel like I'm a failure, failing God, falling short of being the angel He expected me to be. There are moments when I question if I should even be here." His guilt became almost unbearable, and after finishing his speech, he looked deeply into my eyes.

The truth was, I had hoped the show would stir some emotions between us, but this was taking an unexpected turn. I couldn't bear to see him so disheartened.
"All this guilt shouldn't weigh on us. I may have my grievances with God, given that life has never been easy for me, and I've never felt anyone was watching over me in the first place. But if God is so terrible at communicating His desires and expectations, how is it our fault? Lastly, if God created free will, why would He be upset if we try to be ourselves, as long as we don't harm anyone else?"