The Altruistic Pilot: A Jake Seresin TopGun fan fiction

Chapter 17

I walked along side Jake as we made it back into the building to his room.
The air around us felt so much lighter. I had done everything in my power the past few weeks to avoid any mention of Jake. I wanted the idea of him pushed as far as possible to the back of my mind after he made his choice. Now though, it's as if it never happened. The pain and hurt is still there, but it's replaced by a newfound sense of understanding. Penny had been right, he pushed me away because he thought it was the right thing to do. Now that I have him back though, I don't intend to let him go. Truthfully I never should have let him the first time.
Once we are back in his room, I allow myself the chance to explore further. I feel his eyes watching me closely as I work my way around. Taking in the view that I didn't realize he had of the pond. Opening and closing the various self help pamphlets on one of the side tables. One of the pamphlets opens to reveal a menu.
"Want to order something?" I ask, scanning my eyes over the options. It doesn't seem as though they have anything fancy to eat, just basic hospital type food.
He sneers at the menu in my hand.
"Not this food. It's horrible."
I wasn't sure how he'd even know considering it looks like he hasn't eaten once since he's been here. I keep that comment to myself though.
"Oh I forgot. Nat and Bob are actually here too, they drove me over, want me to see if they can go get us something?"
"Why are they here?" He asks confused.
Shoot, I hadn't meant for it to seem suspicious.
"My car is in the shop," I lie. "They gave me a lift. Those two go everywhere together you know."
To my surprise, he gives another small smile. "I've noticed. Bob likes talking about her when he's here."
"Oh, so you guys did talk?"
"He likes to force me. Most days it was usually him telling me about Nat, flying," he pauses for a split second, "or you."
"You asked about me?" I ask, taken back. I didn't think he'd want to hear any mention of me after he asked me to stay away.
     "Not at first. Eventually I just had to hear something. Just to make sure you were okay and getting on with your life."
      I'd hardly consider how I acted these past few weeks "getting on with my life". More like doing the bare minimum to get by.
     "I'll call Nat, see if I can get them to pick us up something," I say in an effort to change the conversation. He nods in agreement.
     "I'm going to change."
     I step out into the hall to give him privacy and call Nat. She picks up immediately.
     "Hey, is everything okay?" She asks worried.
     "Everything is actually really good." I admit, not able to help the smile that creeps on to my face. "Sorry to keep y'all waiting."
      "No it's fine, we were just worried is all. Are things really okay?"
      "We cleared the air, talked everything over. Things are still awkward, but for now, I think things may get better."
      I can almost hear the relief in Nat's voice, "that's awesome Care. I'm really happy for y'all."
      "I am too. I was calling to ask a favor though."
      "Shoot."
      "Would you and Bob care to go get us some dinner." I lower my voice, "he looks horrible Nat, I don't know why that therapist didn't have him admitted long ago."
      "Damn, but yeah we can go grab some food for y'all. Just text me what you want."
      "Thank you."
      "It's no problem."
      She ends the call and I head back into Jake's room. He must not hear me this time, since the door had been opened slightly and didn't squeak. I take the time to watch him for a second.
      His back is almost fully facing me, but I can see that he's currently shrugging off the pair of sweatpants he has on. It's difficult, and bending forward seems to cause him pain. After failing to get at least one leg through, he leans back in his chair to catch his breath.
      "Can I help?" I ask, unable to stop myself as I cross the room to him.
     Maybe this is moving too fast after being separated for three weeks, but I don't care. I missed him, whether I wanted to admit it to myself or not. I was still the only person Jake seemed to ever let truly see all of him. The front he liked to put on around others was strong. I was the only one he let take it away.
     He nods his head down once in silent permission. I can only think of how difficult this must be for him. Letting me see all of him, to touch his legs when he can't feel them. I couldn't imagine being in this position, but I know if I were, I'd trust Jake to help, just as he is trusting me now.
     I slowly lower myself to a kneeling position in front of him. He had managed to get the waist band of the pants down to his knees, but any further proved difficult.
      I slowly reach up to grab the waistband and start pulling them down. His eyes are locked on me, his entire body stiff. He's uncomfortable, I can tell, but he's trusting me enough to let me help. Maybe Dr. Cameron was right after all. He just needed to be with someone he feels safe with.
      I start pulling the sweatpants down until the fall to his ankles. He's wearing a pair of compression type shorts underneath, but when the pants fall further, I can see his legs. It's odd how normal they look. Albeit skinnier, they just look like his legs. You'd have no way of knowing he had no feeling in them just based off look.
      When they fall the his ankles, I stop. I'd have to lift his legs off the footrests to the wheelchair in order to pull them all the way off. I look to him again, his eyes still watching me so intensely, I don't think he is even breathing.
     "You're okay Jake." I tell him, but it does nothing to calm him the anxiety he's feeling.
      I can't help but think about how he's been getting dressed this entire time. Maybe somedays were better then others and he could do it on his own. On bad days, I find it difficult to imagine him letting any of the staff help him to get dressed.
     "It's alright," I repeat, talking in a voice I've used when Dax has hurt himself before.
      I grab the ankle of his left leg and gently lift it. "Tell me if anything hurts." Once his leg is up high enough, I grab the cuffed end of the sweatpants and tug it down over his foot, then gently lower his leg back on to the foot rest. I take his right and repeat the motion, yanking the pants off him completely. I roll back to sit on my heels as I let him catch his breath.
     His eyes had shut as I grab his legs. I wasn't quite sure why he refused to look, but I wasn't going to comment.
     "They're off." I tell him. He opens his eyes to look down at his bare legs.
     Something about helping him undress had felt like the most intimate thing I've done with him. Sure we had been a couple previously and done plenty of things together, but this was different. I had never seen Jake quite as vulnerable as he was right now. Vulnerability was something he struggled with. His cool guy attitude was usually in place to not show any kind of weakness. I could see through it though. Stuff like this was hard for him, and I think allowing me to help him, was one of the hardest things he had ever done. He didn't like those around him seeing him weak, but he had dropped that wall for me. After being apart for three weeks thinking he'd never want to see me again, he had allowed me to help him. It was something I wasn't going to take for granted.
      "You're okay," I tell him as I reach up to grab his arm and give him a reassuring squeeze. Those green eyes, filled with unspoken emotion, lock on to mine again. "You're okay Jake." I repeat. He swallows hard, then nods his head hastily.
     "Th- there's a pair of shorts in the top drawer." He tells me shakily.
     It's an odd feeling, watching him like this. Despite the fact that he only let his vulnerability show for me, it was a rare occurrence. It felt wrong to see him appear so small. But he needed me to be strong for him right now, so that's what I intended to do.
      I stand from in front of him and lazily fold his sweatpants. I lay them down on his dresser before reaching into the top drawer to grab a pair of shorts. Once they are out, I turn back to face him, unsure of what he wants me to do next. I wasn't sure if putting clothes on was easier then taking them off.
      "Could you-" he trails off.
      I kneel back down in front of his chair, prepared to help put the shorts on.
      "I just need them past my knees." He sets the boundary clearly.
      "Alright."
      I repeat my earlier actions, except this time, gently pulling on the fabric until it's around both legs and up to his knees. Once it's there, I stand up to let him finish. I'm not going to push any of his set boundaries, he's the one that needs to tell me what is too far when it comes to touching him right now.
      Jake grabs the fabric and starts wiggling it forward as best as he can. It take him a minute of the awkward back and forth. He uses one hand to lift himself up slightly with the arm rest of his chair, and with the other pulls the shorts up. Eventually once they are fully on, he lays back, slightly out of breath.
      "Okay?"
      He nods, "thank you."
      I just smile at him, not wanting to make him feel any more uncomfortable then he already is.
      "Now what do you want to eat?"