god he hates me.
I know he does.
He can't talk to me or even look at me without getting annoyed.
I don't know what I did but I'm willing to fix it and as naïve as I am, I'm still not stupid. I see it. His clear disinterest. Leaving me on seen, barely being receptive. god I deserve better. Then why, please tell me why is he the only one I want. Why, even after classifying him as a grade-A asshole I still think he's perfect for me. It's foolish and desperate but I can't be foolish and desperate for anyone else. His blonde hair is always perfectly intact highlighting his face so gorgeously. His eyes are colorful orbs that just are so captivating. And not to mention he's funny. So funny. He's so easy going it's soothing and god I can't just can't get his laugh out my head. His smile is so beautiful it's humiliating how much I stare. Not a single look is returned and I'm just so so foolish for holding out hope because god she's so beautiful it's not even a debate. No competition. I don't measure up. I mean of course he'd focus on her she's so beautiful. She's friendly and kind. She's friends with almost everyone including him. I'm not jealous just disappointed. I knew this would happen and I was stupid to think it would be any different. I promised myself two things and it was purely for pride and honor. One: I'd never cry over a boy and I don't mean that in a guys are stupid kind of way, no. I mean it in a "I can't cry over something that never happened" and thats reality. nothing happened. And nothing ever happened because of the second thing: I'd never confess. Confessions usually end so bad that my heart remains broken for a series of months. I hated putting myself through that and I'm not risking it even he asked me out today and confessed. I still wouldn't say anything. Because there's a chance that even if that did happen, He'd take advantage of that. no matter how beautiful or funny he is, he is still a boy. Which means he's human and humans do things they regret. Like how I made the mistake of kissing dillin or dating james for a day. Humans mistake someone for someone they're not just like how i mistook antonio for the kind wide eyed boy he was in 6th grade. Yeah I've made a lot of mistakes but i don't regret anything. Just like how I don't regret trying to love maurilio even though, he strung me along. Because I tried my best and he's the only one that should feel guilty. So do I regret dming blondie after every story he post: no. But am I sad he doesn't even consider me beautiful: yes. even though im his type, im not his type. even more of a complication. And even though im not naming him i would still know exactly who im talking about 30 years from now because he'll be in college and i'd still be here cursing myself for never saying anything and being scared. I am always scared and as much i wish i had courage i dont. and im not as strong people delude themselves into thinking. everyone thinks they have me figured out when no one does. not even my mom. hell she cant even tell what i like anymore! and people take everything so personally. And even though id never post this, im kind of hoping someone would see through me one day. the kind that sees how much I cry and cry and cry. how i just wanna run and never come back. that'd be nice but its not possible.
