Letters to Lukas

Part Four

Lukas?

I don't even think you are even getting these letters any more. I think Berwald gave me a false address. If he didn't, you lied. I know you would not do this to me. I know you would not ignore me. I have tried to contact you several times. It has been over one year since I sent the first letter. This may only be one of my first few letters, but I have waited for a response everyday in hope the mailman will deliver a letter from Iceland. I will not give up. I will always send you letters. I am worried though. Even though in all of my letters so far, I have mentioned I was worried, I have never been more worried than I am now.

No matter how many times I question Berwald, he always assures me that you aware alive. But how am I supposed to believe him?! He doesn't even contact you! What am I supposed to do? Everyone tells me to move on, but the thing Tino doesn't understand is that he has everything. They may be pretty poor and Tino may have had to take a break from college, but he has Berwald. He has someone there with him to share the experience.

I have not yet apologized and even though what I did was wrong, I probably never will fully apologize. I cannot express now pissed I am at you. I understand that you moved! You had every right to move! I'm sorry I lashed out that night! I'm sorry I kicked you out! I'm sorry I almost killed us all! But I'm not sorry for saying these things!

You said you were done. You said you were leaving. You said you were moving. You said you were never talking to me again. You said you were never going to see me again. You said you would never accept an apology. And you did all these things. You have always stayed true to your words.

I said I was never going to talk to you again. I said I was never going to see you. I said I was sick of you. I said I wouldn't care. I said I wouldn't apologize. I lied. But, I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry for lying.

The only remembrance I have of you is a couple photos and these letters. The pictures I have from you are either partially burned or fully demolished. This resulted from my anger long ago but now I fully regret it. I have barely any memory about you. Berwald keeps reminding me that you are alive. I hope you aren't alive now. I don't think I could live with the fact that you are alive and ignoring me. I feel that Berwald doesn't understand this. He doesn't know that his casual reminders are carving their way in my body from the inside out.

Mailing letters to you are just pissing me off and giving me more anxiety. I don't know if I can continue to do this. I'm not sorry if you're mad or frustrated because no matter how much you are angry, you will never understand my anger.

Goodbye,
Matthias

Now, this gets intense.
-Anya