Letters to Lukas

Part Eleven

Dear Lukas,

I have no words for what I have received. I promised I wouldn't write to you. I promised, but now after six years, I have received a response. And it wasn't even from you. It was from your brother. I have no intention of continuing. I burned all the letters Emil sent back to me. I burned all the books I have written. I burned all the unfinished copies and plans for future stories.

Emil, Tino, Berwald, you: I understand that your actions of not telling me or leaving me, was for my own good, but none of you realized that it would hurt me even more. Not telling me that Lukas had killed himself was a huge mistake. I spent six years of my life writing to you and now knowing that you will never read them has killed me in several ways. The last six years, I have been in a war against myself. And this information has ended the war.

I had caused your suicide. You left America because I had treated you that way. I made you move and I had caused Emil to lose everything. My mistake made both Emil and me lose you.

I am disgusted that Berwald and Tino kept this from me. I am disgusted. Emil said you were in a better place. He said you were happy and I believe it. You will never read this letter, for you are dead. You're brother will never read this letter. No one will. It will burn. Everything will. I was mad you had left. You didn't want to endure pain anymore and I called you selfish. I called you selfish.

But sometimes, everyone just wants to be selfish.