New Girl

Chapter 19

After Zae left my house I cried and I would have kept crying if my mom didn't come in. She went out and got my favorite food and crawled in bed with me to make sure I ate. One thing about my mom she always knows what to say and what to do to make me feel better.

The first week without him was weird because whenever I would try to talk to him he was always with Naliyah or he would straight up ignore me. I know Zae is a man of his word but he would always stare at me in the hallways or at lunch but he didn't speak.

The rest of the guys and Tiny felt the tension during the first week. They started asking questions but whenever I was asked about it I would just start tearing up. I talked to Matt and Jay about it and they told me not to worry and Jay kept saying he'll come around. I kept asking when but none of them knew the answer. That stressed me out because I just want to apologize for being a bitch.

By week two I told everyone why we fell off and they decided that to keep tension low they would hang out with us separately. It worked during school and outside of school but one day we tried to go bowling, for Jayshawns birthday, and I almost threw a ball at Zae because he said something slick.

By the third week we had come up with a system that seemed to work for us because even though I still wanted to apologize I couldn't bring myself to walk up to him. Every time I saw him with Naliyah I got mad so I kept pushing it off. Christmas came and went and we even celebrated like divorced parents.

I slowly felt myself start to separate myself from the group. I kept thinking that this is all my fault and to bring some sort of peace back to the group I should back off. They texted each other Happy New Years in the group chat but all I did was like the messages.

The fourth weekend came and went and I went to go smoke with Tiny for New Years. We walked around and got pizza and even went to go bother Sam at work. Tiny got a pair of green dunks she'd been wanting and I finally decided to buy the orange Nike tech I had been looking at. She had told me that she had gotten an edible from her cousin and she split it with me. When the edible kicked in the rest of the night was such a blur I don't even remember getting in bed.

I didn't even realize I was sleep until I woke up the next day to my alarm ringing and my mom banging on my door saying that I was late. I didn't feel like going to school because I woke up feeling anxious and weird.

I had no clue what was going to happen today and that gave me anxiety. I took my sweet time getting ready and by the time I left out the house it was already second period. My mom had already left for work but she would have noticed if I stayed home. I didn't want to make her mad so I still went along with my routine.

I decided to take the subway to the park and I found a tree near the bench I was on when I went to talk to Sam. I brought a little picnic blanket with me so I lay that out and sit on the ground. I keep replaying the encounter in my head.

I didn't expect myself to go through a friendship breakup with Zae of all people. I constantly remind myself that if we care about each other it'll work out but in the moment I'm scared it won't.

I take out my last nug and paper and begin to roll. I need to re-up but Isaiah was my plug so I have to find someone new. I'm realizing how dependent I was on him unknowingly. He walked with me everywhere, he's who I called when I wanted to get food, he was my plug. I mean I still talked to my other friends and went out with them but me and him were attached at the hip.

I spark up and lay back on the tree. It's been a while since I was able to enjoy nature. I want to do it more often but I can't since I feel like I'm always going. I think today was what my mom calls a 'listen to the ancestors day.' I brought a book and my laptop so it's not like I'm letting my mind rot I just can't go to school.