Beetle

Chapter 7

The three other days pass and all too soon it's Saturday.

"Red, mom told me to get you up",  Ben says as he knocks on my bedroom door. Little does he know that I've been up for hours, actually I don't remember ever falling asleep. Though, I'm still in bed wallowing in my self-pity and tear soaked sheets.

I turn away from the light that's coming through my window like a vampire. I close my eyes only for a second and then open them once I see just before the accident happened. I can picture everything, it's all so clear. How my dad looked, what his voice sounded like and I can even remember his smell. It hurts too much to think of those things but what's unbearable is what comes after.

"Redford! We're going to be late!" My body starts to shake. It's a side effect of the pills. The Adderall isn't mine, I got it from Kaylee years ago and god knows where she got it from. A scary thought comes to mind, 'how do I know it's Adderall?' Than another, 'what if it's mixed with something?' The truth is I don't know; the problem is I just didn't care.

I pop two pills in and run to the joint bathroom I share Ben. I drink some tap water and the pills go down easy. "Dammit Red!" I freeze, "you aren't even dressed! You better be in the car in five minutes or else!" As soon as mom slams the door I breathe a sigh of relief, "what if I was naked?!" No answer. Just great.

I change into the one semi-appropriate thing I have for a funeral. It's a black dress that's slightly too short for the occasion, but it's the best I got so it will have to do.

I stop at the door, not because I'm having a moment but instead because I feel like I'm going to pass out. The pills mixed with the pain medication I got prescribed for my ribs aren't mixing well. Four days of this mix and things aren't getting better. Four days is too long to be pulling shit like this; people have died for less.

I collect myself and head to the car.

"You don't look too good", I can't help but roll my eyes, "thanks Ben." He examines me with too much care, "maybe you should stay home." I scoff, "it's dads funeral." Ben puts his hands up, "okay. Sue me for caring."

Instead of taking my side mom looks at me and takes Ben, "if you aren't up to it people would understand. You've experienced a great loss, we all have." I try to smile and immediately fail, "I have to go, for dad but for me too." Mom nods and when I glance at Ben I can tell he feels the same way. After all, funerals aren't for the dead, they're for the living.

When we arrive at the small church and I can't help but think this isn't what dad would want. He wasn't religious but he was also not not religious. It doesn't really matter because I know with certainty he wouldn't have wanted this.

I reach out and grab Ben's hand. We feed off each other's warmth or maybe our pain finds a certain kinship. All I know is that it helps, all I know is that Ben's hand gives me the strength to go into the church.

Everyone's eyes are on us. Technically, that's my fault since I made us almost late. As the immediate family we were supposed to be here first but that obviously didn't happen because the service starts in just under ten minutes. My fault obviously but there's too many other things to care about than being almost late. Besides, being almost late isn't late so who cares?

I lead us in to the first row, moms gone, off doing last minute somethings. It's silence between us, as I try and think of something to comfort my little brother. By the look on his face, I would say he's trying to do the same for me. That's such a Ben thing, even though I'm the big sister he's my anchor.

I've zoned out and I only know when Ben taps me on the arm and I see Linda staring at me with pity. Linda is my moms mom, she never allowed us to call her grandma because that's too old. We used to call her mimi but pretty much immediately she told us to scrap that name too. Once Ben called her granny and let's just say that secured me as her favourite grandchild. Not that it means much since my mom is an only child, meaning Linda only has Ben and I for grandkids.