Growing Wings: My Avian Journal

WE ARE SO BACK

hi.  ive been putting off trying to get normal about this for months but i finally figured it all out. umm content warning kinda personal and in depth discussion about my identity and stuff because im sorting out all this stuff out loud. if thats not ur thang. tldr hewwo :3 hai :3 im back :3

okay so uh. starting all the way back in 2019 when i got here. the important thing here that i like. found. this community. i remember specifically what i felt like while i was searching for other avians when i was like 12. i was super desperate. because back then i didn't have any idea what i was going to do as an adult, i couldn't even see myself living to be 16 (well i'm 16 NOW but yk. i made it)

being an avian is the majority of my identity. it's the only reason i'm alive today and will continue to be alive. the world's scary! the world is actively becoming something that i don't want to be a part of. all my friends want to die, some of them want to just because they don't want to face this world that already wants them dead. the planet's being destroyed. i'm SCARED! there's nothing i can do. when i was 12 and it wasn't as bad, i knew that wings were something i wanted more than anything, but now it's my escape. i don't need to kill myself when i can find a way to be happy without participating in the active destruction of everyone and everything close to me.

without those wings, i'm kinda hopeless! i've got nothing else. i know what i want to be as an adult (cryptozoology or alchemy), but it's my "just in case" job. i'm gonna go to college and stall with school, the only thing i'm used to, until i can fly away and figure it out later.

when i had to step back and take a break, i was scared that i was never going to pick it back up. that i was going to lose this extremely important part of myself and just become a regular guy. that i finally grew out of it. i don't want that! but it wasn't the only thing i had to think about before i could face it again.

whats up with being a magical girl, system, and otherkin. how does that work. and htis is where the backstory stops for the most part and i actualyl have to think about this.

i'm skykidkin! i kin those beasts from sky cotl. i'd like to think that some of the reason i'm an avian is because in another world i was a skykid. i'm meant for the sky and stuff, but not in that exact way this time, otherwise i'd just be a skykid in body too you know. i think some of the magical girl ness also came from that. theres a ball of light in my chest i can feel all the time and sometimes i need to get it out. its something GOOD, it's something i want to let out by doing good things, so i wanted to release it by being a magical girl. but being a magical girl specifically isn't the right way to do that. i don't know what it is yet but it's not that. it's probably some sort of magical solution but i'm not sure about it yet.

magical girls are still a special interest of mine but it's probably going to be something i'd like to keep more at arms reach.

now umm ermm how does being a system factor into this. this was something that confused me for a while. i'm a compeltely different person than i was when i was 12, even last year, just in general. but i'm also more than one person now. does the thoughts of my headmates factor into this? i mean kinda. im multigender and it's a little bit influenced by the front, and one of my headmates is kitsunekin because i used to be, but it passed on to her. it's confusing.

at the end of the day though, i decided that they don't matter. we already have the agreement that since i'm the host and the original guy in here that this is my body, and they're just living in it. i'm going to do whatever i want with this body and they're just gonna deal with it because i was here first (that doesn't sound that healthy but we're monoconscious and our headspace is a single table in the void we're very capable of being one person. also there have been no objections so far). none of them really care about the whole avian thing anyway, and i'm in the front basically all the time.

sorry for ranting so much, i just had a lot of thoughts i needed to get out. i'll still be very sporadically active soon after this because i need some time to fully get back into all the mythical stuff, but i hope to see everyone around again!

- cal

          - Co-signed by the system's co-host, Pareidolia, hello! :)