Growing Wings: My Avian Journal

um hi

hi!! im writing this while freaking out again because. im kinda going through hell at this exact moment. ive been going through the wringer yk how it is. ive been trying my fucking hardest to just constantly be like "its ok ill live everythings alright itll be fine" and its working better than i thought it would but not as well as it could. vent down there in the next paragraph ^^''

school started yesterday and im fucking terrified and im going to try so hard to do well but i know ill be average at best. and im still running out of time way too fast for all the avian stuff but ive been ESPECIALLY horrible with avian motivation for like a year. today was a really good day and i know that wont last and my hopes are so high but im so so scared. all of my avian problems were here this whole time but the fact that stuff is changing and my life is still like. moving forward. sorta forced me to look directly at it. life is going too fast and i feel like theres nothing i can do and im running out of time and at this rate im never gonna be able to fly.

ok vent over. sorry!!!!! i have no outlet for most of this stuff. anyways.

im gonna try my fucking HARDEST to get back into the avian stuff. i dont wanna just watch my opportunity to fly pass by me because i was too scared to even try to do anything. im trying harder at school ill try harder at this too.

semi unrelated. looks around suspiciously. i sorta got back in2 shifting lately. ive never actually done it but im trying again. well. not anymore.
i sorta decided to take another break and just hang out and appreciate this world because i realized i was only trying to shift to get away from this world because i was afraid of like. everything. and shifting for that reason is dangerous. maybe ill do it another time when i feel better about the belief that im just doing it for fun instead of escapism.

and also since i decided to make the conscious decision to appreciate the world we're in now i realized that i was a lot happier than i thought. look im like super depressed. but i swear to god walking around outside school and listening to music and thinking "wow this is so fun i love this song its so beautiful outside i have so much hope for this school year" does fucking SO MUCH for your mental health please just slow down and appreciate things it will help you so much.

i dont really know how to end this chapter. sorry for being so personal! life's a very mixed bag for me right now, but im hopeful. i'm trying. ill get there!!!!! i really appreciate everyone who's been reading this journal since i started the first one, even though it was never really that avian related. i've always felt a little bad about it but its nice that someone's sticking around. i hope something good happens to you, you deserve to be happy.

here's to another year of school and however many years it will take to grow my wings, i have hope and not much else but i know i'll make it!!!!!!

- cal