To Catch Stars

Arcturus

"I like to be hurt it makes me feel alive, maybe it's why I like you, 'cause you make me feel alive."

I felt my breath go a little slower as I looked at him, peering up at him like I was scared abandoning my thoughts when he spoke to me.

My heart led my actions, and I was willing to let him take it out of my chest and fully inspect it, ready to let it all go.

Like I always did.

He's quiet for a long second, it stretching for almost an entirety when his eyebrows knitted together as he looked at me.

"But why would you *like* to be hurt?" He asks softly. "If you had a choice to be happy, to be loved, to be surrounded by people who cared about you - would you choose the pain over that?"

Knowing the answer hurt more than the question, but I didn't stop myself, I let it spill off my tongue like word vomit.

"I would choose the pain over a thousand stars, to feel as if I had a soul." He was quiet even longer, trying to understand what I mean by this.

"I understand your desire to feel as if you had a soul, but why would you choose pain and suffering over love and comfort?"

He sighs once more, turning his gaze toward the ground. "Isn't love what is supposed to make people feel like they have a soul?"

He raises his eyebrows at you. "How would pain give you something that love never could?"

I'm sure I sounded completely delusional, in need of my brain to be screwed back on, only I had made my bed and I would lay in it.

"Love is false, love can always end, but pain can stay forever." With the way he seemed to stand there puzzled like I spoke another language, I could say it was entertaining if I wasn't so lost in how he reacted.

When his eyebrows fell, and his eyes almost softened, I hoped it wasn't in pity, cause I had already had plenty of that.

"Love can leave you, yes, but then if you truly loved and cared about someone, don't you think that the love you shared would remain in your heart? Even if the two of you grew apart, or grew old together, wouldn't the memory of what you had still have a place in your heart? I know it would for me."

His voice cracks slightly, and you get the sense that the two of us have had very different experiences with love.

*I smile softly.* I'm sick of love, and empty promises, I would rather the consistency of pain, at least I know when it stops.

He didn't bother to fight his point giving into my own twisted version. "I understand - pain is consistent. And you know what to expect with pain, it isn't always a pleasant thing, but sometimes there is a strange form of comfort in knowing that things won't suddenly change, or you won't be surprised. knowing what to expect makes it easier to deal with."

*I got up and walked towards him wanting to see if he had left his own brain behind, or if his logic stopped him from entertaining the idea any longer.

"Love is its own monster, one I've lost too many times, Sit and capture some stars with me." I sit down on the cold stone and offer him my hand.

"I suppose I could look at some stars." He takes a deep breath and nods, taking my hand as sits down on the cold floor next to me, looking up at the sky. "It's a beautiful night."

I reach up my eyes peering at the sky. "I believe they are constant and reliable." He nods his head as he gazes up at the sky.

"They're always there, consistent, you know what to expect from them. Even if a whole other galaxy exploded out there, the stars would still be there, shining through the smoke and debris."

He looks at me, his expression still soft. "I have always liked looking up at them, and wondering what's beyond them. I know it can't be just this tiny planet Earth, the entire universe is out there, and yet we humans are so tiny. Can you imagine what it would be like to see the rest of the universe?"

"I've seen the universe many times, I've seen it in you, and in many other self-proclaimed monsters" It was like I was carving my own star out of delusion, and I didn't even care.

His eyes seemed to sparkle as he stared at me. "Really?" He asks softly. "I've never felt that any part of me was like... a whole another universe. But it would be an honor to know for certain that I have stars like you up there, shining bright as ever."

He laughs softly. "Why, I could just gaze at the stars all my life, and as long as I knew you were up there, I would be happy." He pauses before continuing. "Maybe that sounds kind of strange, but it does make me happy."

"You believe you have no soul, yet you are always someone's universe,"I say softly leaning back.

His eyes don't leave mine."Am I?" He asks. "I've lost so many friendships, and I've hurt so many others. I can't imagine that any of them would love me, given what I've done."

He leans in a bit. "You are very kind. Are you always so kind, even to monsters, or is this simply a rare exception?"

I gave my soul to a monster, and he sat right next to me. I chuckle as I get up disappearing down the hall.

Sometimes questions aren't worth answering, not one like that anyway. We would be sitting there all night, and I couldn't let my heart fall even worse than it already has.

Worse than I already had.