Unsteady // kiani ff

Chapter 3

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Will
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I got in my car and drove straight to my house. I opened the car door and slammed it. Then ran to the front door, opening it and slamming it also. What did I do wrong? I leaned on the front door and slid down sitting on the floor. I hugged my knees and started to cry. Luckily, no one was home, Mum was on a flight to England, my sister doesn't live with us, and my father let's not talk about him. Three hours later, I get up and walk weakly to my bathroom. I look in the mirror.

God I'm disgusting.

You're ugly and should end it.

My thoughts started to take me over. I looked like a mess, my hair was messed up, my eyes are still filled with tears, and the black circles under my eyes didn't help either. I take off my shirt and look at my anorexic body. I haven't eaten in almost two weeks. My ribs were very visible and I was horribly skinny. I hated everything about myself. I started to pick out every flaw I could see, the mark above my top lip, my ribs, my stomach, my uneven eyes, my ugly teeth, my disgusting smile. Everything.

I quickly open a drawer and search through it. I look for the metal object. I look through every drawer I can. Nothing. I open the last drawer I have in the bathroom, there it was. I quickly pick it up and put it to my skin. Tears are streaming down my face.

Fuck it.

I shove the object in my skin and skid it across my wrist. The blood starts streaming out. I made another cut, and another. I wouldn't stop until I felt dizzy. The dizziness hit me hard. I drop the blade and look at the puddle of blood I am standing in. I run my bloody hands through my hair and flower crown, not thinking. I look at the flower crown now stained with blood.

Fuck.

I can never wear this again, I thought.

I run steaming hot water in the sink and put my wrist under it. I hold in the scream of pain I wanted to let out. I watch as all the blood goes down the drain. The hot water burning my skin. I pull away when all of the blood is gone, from what I could see. My vision got blurry but I ignored it. I go to my room and close the door and slid down it. I hold my knees close to my chest and cry harder then ever. Three months, down the drain of blood. I wipe my tears with my thumb and lay on the cold floor. I cry myself to sleep.

I wake up at six am to my phone ringing. I go and pick my phone up to see that it was Jordan. I wanted to speak to him badly, but he will probably hurt me again. I don't care, I answer the call and I say very weakly and nervously

"Hello?"

"Will can I come to your house, I need to talk to you." He asks me, I don't want him to come over then I do. I'm so fucking indecisive. Before more thinking I reply

"Y - Yes."

"Okay, I'll be over in a bit." I hang up not giving him a chance to say bye. I go to the bathroom and clean up. I start with the puddle of blood on the floor, I wipe it all up and throw my red stained flower crown in the trash.

That was my favourite one.

I put on a jumper to hide my fresh cuts from last night. I fix my hair up and brush my teeth. I put on a black flower crown, matching my jumper. I hear Jordan knock on the front door, I walk downstairs and open it. I smile, very obvious it is fake.

"Hi Will" he greets me,

"Hey." I let him inside and he goes to the couch and sits down. I sit next to him and put my legs 'cross grapeapplesauce' as me and my friend Sean like to call it.

"I'm sorry for what I did yesterday." He tells me as my fake smile fades.

"It's fine." I say as I start to roll up my sleeve, again not thinking.

"It's not." Jordan says and takes my hand and looks at my wrist.

"Fourteen? Will. I'm so sorry." I pull my wrist away and look down tears piling up in my eyes. Jordan takes my wrist and kisses every cut seen. My tears start rolling down my cheek, Jordan wipes it with his thumb and embraces me as I cry more.

"I just didn't know what to do, I don't know if I am gay or not." He tells me
"I'm gay, if you haven't noticed." I say still crying. He pulls me into his chest and I rest my face on it.

"I'm sorry Jordan." He kisses my cheek when I stop crying.

"It's okay Will." "Why did you kiss me?" I ask him confused

"I think I have feelings for you too." He pulls me closer and I snuggle more into his chest. We stay cuddled like that for a while. Jordan rubs my back and I start to fall asleep. He kisses my forehead and I fall asleep.

I wake up at seven pm, I see that I am still cuddled with Jordan. I smile, he is still asleep. I look at my wrist and my smile fades, I pull my sleeve down and cuddle back with Jordan. How am I going to hide these cuts from school? I thought to myself. My thoughts got cut when Jordan kissed my temple. I look up at him and smile.

"Hey cutie." He greets

"Hey" I reply

"I might have to be going soon." We both frown and I wrap my arms around his waist

"I don't want you to goooo." I whine,

"I don't want to go either but we have school and my mother and brother will get worried." I nod and snuggle him more

"Just a little longer?" I ask,

"Of course you cutie" he puts his arm around me.

"So, when did you start liking me?" Jordan asked me

"Uh since grade two." I reply to his question. He giggles,

"That's a long time." I nod and blush.

"Just know Will, we aren't a thing, I still have to sort out if I like guys and if I like girls and other things." I nod, I understand, I went through the same thing.

We stay in silence cuddling until Jordan's phone goes off. He picks it up

"Oh shit!" He yells

"What's wrong?" I ask him

"I have a date with Bee. I don't want to leave you though." He mumbles.

"Go have fun I'll be fine." I smile at him. He kisses my head and gets up, making me cold on where his body was touching mine. He grabs his keys and wallet,

"Bye Will."

"Bye Jordan." I say as I wave goodbye to him. He leaves and I am alone once again. Good thing I was happy.