FERRY-LOVE-BOAT

Chapter 33

Maya's POV:

Captain, the protocols are already in place for the intake of civilians tonight. We're in for a rough night. - Ben said after I allowed him into my office.

-We need as many blankets as possible, is the kitchen ready for hot meals? - I asked after checking the spreadsheet in front of me, there were a few things to be adjusted before the snowstorm started to fall.

-Yes, everything is fine. - He answered. - Central has already called to say that they will take our station off the possible night calls so that we can focus on providing shelter for those who need it. Apparently, we will only be called in case of a 4 or 5 alarm call.

-I was waiting for this confirmation to dismiss the B shift. - I turned over a few sheets of paper and signed the dismissal of the extra shift that remained at the station under my orders. - Please let the B-shift guys know that they can go home.

-Right away, Captain. - He smiled briefly.

-Is that all? - I asked and Ben nodded quickly.

-I'll help with the kitchen. - He pointed with his thumb at his back and walked out of my living room.

Being alone again, I couldn't restrain the tumultuous thoughts that had been raging in my mind since a few nights ago when I almost had an amazing evening with Carina.

Throughout the dinner I had become more and more surrendered by the woman, the way she talked cheerfully about her childhood stories, or how she listened to me attentively while talking about my father - which surprised me a lot because all my internal alarms went off, wanting to stop me from continuing on the subject, but she listened patiently and that made me comfortable to stay talking - or how her face lit up when I told her about my medal, all of these - each of these - moments, made me realize that she was much more amazing than I already thought.

I can't remember the last time I had such a pleasant evening with someone, and it was a huge disappointment when it ended so unexpectedly.

Her words and gestures made something crack inside me and made me confront a truth that I kept trying to hide from myself: No matter how much therapy I did, my father's claws had sunk too deep into me and left wounds that would never fully close. I kept hearing his voice in my head at every moment that demanded a little more vulnerability and made me want to cry realizing that he still had so much power over my life.

-Hey, Maya! - Hearing my name being spoken aloud brought me back to reality. Andy was standing in front of my desk with a creased forehead. - I knocked a few times...

-It's okay! I got distracted. - I confessed.

-Are you ok? -I asked.

-Yes - I lied.

-Lane issues? - She asked, this was how Andy referred to my past traumas. There was no reason to hide it from her.

-Yes -I sighed, although I knew that my father was not the only reason behind my problems and blockages. - I thought I had overcome some things, but I realized that I had only molded myself to the walls he had built inside me.

-Are you talking about Carina? - She asked directly, pulling the chair across from my desk and sitting down in front of me.

-How do you know? - I asked back.

-Because I think the walls around your heart are the last ones that need to be torn down. - She shrugged, as if this wasn't a big deal. - I've known you for ten years, Maya, I've seen all your progress, I've followed your resistance to therapy, I've seen you blossom after accepting that talking to a professional was the best solution, but I've never, in those ten years, seen you allow yourself to love and be loved.

There was nothing to say, she wasn't wrong.

-I know that "love" is a very strong word and maybe you are not there yet, but I know that you have strong feelings for Carina. - She smiled sideways at me, but I looked away from her face. - You're scared, aren't you?

-I'm scared to death. - I sighed. - Mostly because I know that she also had hard times with her father, but she got over it so differently than I did. She is light and happy, she smiles easily and jokes all the time, she is a ray of sunshine and I... Well, I'm not like that.

-You don't have to be like her, Maya.

-I know, but I'm afraid of tainting her with my way. I'm afraid of hurting her because I haven't completely let go of my past. - I confessed and bit my lower lip hard before running one hand over my forehead, squeezing my temples as I felt the headache begin to creep up on me. - The other night we almost had sex.

-What? - Andy jumped up in her chair and brought both hands to her face, covering her mouth as her eyes widened.

-Almost. - I reinforced.

-What went wrong? - She asked, curious.

-At first nothing, and then she wanted to be on top and that already made me very strange because giving up control is not something I like. I like to be in control, I like to be on top. - I explained and Andy nodded.

-And we know that's because you're finally no longer under your father's control, and when you finally took control of your life you became resistant to giving it up. - My friend elaborated on the reason behind my discomfort, and I nodded at her words. This was nothing new, we had worked on this a few times and Andy is usually the person who helps me with most of my issues, so she really knows what she is talking about.

-And even begrudgingly, I gave in. Well, I don't know if it was really grudgingly that I gave in, because some part of me was fine with letting her be the only one responsible for thinking at that moment. It was nice to just close my eyes and feel things, to slow down, practically shut my mind off. I don't do that very often. - Talking about it was making me much more sensitive than I expected, but at the same time it was giving me some relief. - But then she demanded a little more... Intimacy.