FERRY-LOVE-BOAT

Chapter 59

Maya's POV:

Carina returned to the table with a polite smile on her lips but avoided looking at me for the rest of the evening - she was too polite to simply ignore me, but she didn't initiate any topics of conversation directly with me and I missed her eyes on mine - and all the confidence I felt that the evening would end in a wonderful way vanished with each passing minute.

My heart clenched in my chest as I screamed at myself inside my head, hating myself a little more for being a coward and a wuss. If I hadn't been afraid of my feelings, none of this would have happened.

-Do you want another drink, Carina? - Travis stood up when it was his and Vic's turn to refill our glasses.

-No, I'd better stay sober from now on, I don't want to wake up with a headache tomorrow. I'll cover the morning shift. - My eyes went straight to her face beside me as she answered and again, she stood her ground looking directly at my friend.

-Maya? - Vic asked, pointing at my empty glass.

-Oh, nothing for me either, thanks. - I replied and sighed heavily.

Andy stared at me across the table with a questioning look in her eyes and I just shrugged discreetly when Carina picked up her cell phone and started checking her messages. My friend moved her lips in front of me in something resembling an " apologize" when she realized that Carina was oblivious to our interaction and I just nodded once because I knew it was the right thing to do, I was just waiting for the right opportunity.

This is why feelings are complicated and this is definitely why I haven't dealt with feelings before. It's confusing and somebody always ends up getting hurt over something.

-I think I'll call it a night. - Carina spoke up when Vic and Travis returned with three large glasses full of beer.

-Oh, so soon Carina? - Travis lamented with a pout.

-Not all of us have the day off tomorrow. - She grinned softly at my friend and stood up.

-I... - The words caught in my throat when for the first time since the incident at the counter Carina turned and looked at me, her eyes cold and indifferent, and having her gaze on me was almost as hard as not having them. - I'll walk you out.

Travis and Vic exchanged a furtive glance and, in their minds, they did a good job of hiding it, but I simply rolled my eyes at their interaction and shoved my hands into my jacket pockets.

-If that's okay. - I added softly as Carina put on her own overcoat.

-Fine. - She spoke in the same tone as she buttoned the buttons.

-Have a nice rest tomorrow, drink some water, and stick to beer. - I recommended to my friends before waving to them.

-Yes, Captain. - All three spoke in response.

-Always good to see you, Carina! - Andy said smiling at the Italian woman.

-Yeah, don't be a stranger! - Vic added.

-Please grace us with your divine presence at the station some time soon, oh great goddess. - Travis spoke very theatrically and drew laughter from the girls, including Carina.

-I will! Thanks for the evening, guys. - Carina waved as well, and I stepped back so that she could walk in front of me.

I took one last look at my friends and all three of them gave me a hard and intense look.

-Apologize! - All three of them spoke at the same time.

-My God! I know! I will! - I rolled my eyes at them and ran after Carina who was already reaching the door.

I took a few deep breaths as I climbed the stairs leading up to the street and went to Carina.

-Hey. - I spoke to get her attention and gathered all the courage I had to start talking. - I am sorry. I know I should have apologized sooner; I'm just not used to it, I don't have the best radar for feelings or... relationships. That's why I don't deal with them. Not that this is a good enough excuse to justify my lack of tact in some situations, but I wanted you to know that I'm really sorry.

-I'm not used to it either, you know, Maya? It's hard for me too. - She spoke back, her arms folded across her chest and her head lowered as she stared at her feet. - And I know we haven't talked about it, and maybe you're not ready to talk about it, but I really thought there was something between us, even if we don't know how to name it yet.

-There is! Of course, there is something between us. - I was quick to respond. My heart was pounding in my chest and my throat was burning with all the feelings bubbling up inside my chest that wanted to be expressed in some way. My body oscillated between an intense desire to scream and cry at the same time.

-That's not what it sounded like when you weren't sure you wouldn't go to bed with that woman if I wasn't around. - She spoke back and lifted her face. I could see at that moment how her eyes glistened with a few tears that welled up in her eyes and the burning in my throat only increased. - You made me feel like I didn't matter, like I was nothing to you.

-I was so stupid. You're not nothing to me. You are something. Uh, I hate having to deal with words in situations like this, and I get nervous, and they just come out nonsensical. What I mean is that back at the bar the words came out of my mouth like I used to say them, without certainty so that no commitment could be made, and that wasn't what I wanted, I just let myself fall into my old habits. - I confessed and stepped forward. I wanted to hug her, kiss her cheek and tell her that everything would be okay. I wanted more than anything to see a smile on her face again. - What I should have said, what I wanted to say, was that no, even if you weren't there I wouldn't go to bed with Jane because I can't think of anyone else but you. I can't wish for anyone else. You did things to me, you changed something inside me, not something, a lot of things and now I can't be who I was before you came back to me even though sometimes these old habits come out.

-I want to trust you. - She whispered and a lone tear ran down one of her cheeks. - But I'm afraid you're going to hurt me.

-I won't, Carina. Not with this. - I took another step toward her and couldn't contain my impulse to wipe away the tear that ran down her cheek. - I can't handle everything I feel, everything I'm learning, at least not as fast as I'd like to, but I'm an honorable person, a woman of my word, and I give you my word here today that I will never have eyes for anyone else as long as you want to be with me.