fever | ateez lore story

| the trainee |

choice
/tʃɔɪs/
noun
1. an act of choosing between two or more possibilities
"The choice between leaving or staying"
2. (of words or language) rude and abusive.
"Never thought I'd be the type to use such...choice words."

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I am a performer, and a great one at that. I love the stage and the rush of adrenaline coursing through my veins as I prepare my first move. As the music blasts through the speakers, I feel it in my bones - every drum beat, every melody, I can feel them travel in me like blood. It keeps me alive. It's my cup of coffee every morning, and the lullaby that sets me to sleep every night. I'll never get tired of it.

But, why am I scared of it, at the same time? The adrenaline I would feel in my veins would dissipate, and I'll feel tired. The music that blasts through the speakers would fade, the sound of my petrified blood rushing to my ears being the only thing I hear. I begin to shrink when I feel a thousand pairs of eyes on me, my brain racking a thousand thoughts that I forget my purpose for coming on stage. Once someone utters something about the way I perform, I immediately freeze, the flow and rhythm in my bones becoming something learned, and lost.

---

"Hey, Woo!" I hear the bass-y sound of Yeosang coming from behind me. I turn and see him jogging over to me, the fluffy, chocolate hair on his head bouncing with every step he takes. I throw an arm around his small shoulders, pulling him into me.

Me and Yeo have been friends for 6 years together. He's been my other half, a brother from another mother. He's a hard trainee, and he's always so free-spirited. It's like he's nothing holds him back. I can only wish for that kind of freedom.

"You know, you remind so much of a Maltese." I tease, the image of his bouncing hair coming back into my mind. He looks at me perplexed, like he has no idea what I was talking about.

"Ain't that a chocolate?" He asks, his large, Maltese eyes staring at me. I mirror the same perplexed look before I break into a laughter that almost has me on the floor. He only watches me, waiting for an explanation.

"That's a Malteaser, Hyung! Oh my gosh! I mean the dog!" I squeak, my laugh becoming more intense that it reaches the highest octaves that I can reach. Once he realises his little misconception, he joins in with the laughter, the two of us delaying time to get to the company.

"Excuse me? I'm nothing but a fierce Doberman. I may look cute, but I can bite." he protests, still giggling. That only sets me into a spiralling chortle, my lungs beginning cramp due to the lack of air. I breathe heavily, wiping the sweat off my forehead.

"You're so funny, Hyung." I sigh, closing my eyes and basking in the calm air for a bit before I collapse.

He playfully smacks my bicep, straighten up.

-"Dude, hurry up! We have to get to training. Yeonjun's waiting for us!"

---

I watch as Yeonjun and Yeosang sync up their moves, my eyes analysing the way their bodies ripple with the music. Their footsteps are felt through the floorboards, their strong dancing making me admire how cool they are.

It amazes me that they can do it with so much confidence. I feel the urge to pull myself up and join them, before a few of the other trainees come in. Suddenly, the urge evaporates away, and I'm back to being glued to the floor.

"Mind if we watch you guys? This choreography is really not easy, and we wanna how you guys do it. Maybe it would make us feel less worried about doing it, since you are all amazing." They explain. Yeonjun and Yeosang take them up on their offer, the four of them setting themselves on the floor, facing the two of them. Yeosang turns to me, signalling to join.

"Oh, it's alright. The two of you should be fine! Just...do your thing." I indirectly protest.

I've known Yeosang and Yeonjun for quite some time already. But, I'm still guilty about how I am still incapable to move freely in front of them, let alone in front of the other trainees. I try to, when we practice our performances, but my body doesn't move the way I want it to move. It moves in a way that's controlled by an entity, in my head. In a way this entity wants me to move. I can't thrive in front of them for some reason. Not by any fault of theirs...it's just me, and my stupid stage fright.

Yeonjun and Yeosang exchange a look before looking back at me, a pleading spark in their eyes. I think to myself for a moment. Their pleading eyes drill through me, and I can't help but feel at fault for their disappointment. It takes me a minute before I haul myself onto my feet and throw my hoodie off, breathing in deep breathes capable to bring someone back to life. I find my position, my mind suddenly going blank. The trainees' eyes burn into my skull that I can see them every time I close my eyes.

The palms of my hand begin to drench in sweat, feeling them tremor vigorously at my sides. I cough lightly, my mouth and throat drying out, and a twist is felt in my stomach. If it releases, I might throw up. I can feel my head that's full of unrelenting thoughts spin, the room feeling smaller than it was before. The pressure is immense, I might explode.

I flinch when I heard the first beat through the speakers. Yeonjun and Yeosang begin their movements, whereas I'm still a step behind. I'm so far into my head, I don't even realise that they've started. Already, the delay in my movements throws me further into the black hole I was beginning to fall into. I try to keep up, but the thoughts and panic only make me stick out more prominently like a sore thumb.

Now, I'm sucked into the black hole, with no escape. I'm trapped.

"Excuse me." I mutter, grabbing my hoodie and leaving the six trainees in a pit of confusion.

---

"Dammit, Wooyoung." I whisper to myself, running my hands across my face. The frustration is terribly unbearable that it takes every inch of my being not to have a breakdown outside the company building. The air brushes up against my face, the subtle chill cooling my burning cheeks. I continue my breathing exercises, the heart-wrenching feel of liability from earlier not escaping me.

My eyes suddenly focus on a beautiful disarray of branches blowing in the wind, cherry blossoms sprinkled on every inch of it. The blush of the petals bring a sense of tranquility, and suddenly, my breathing is back to normal.

Got over my fright quicker than usual. Looks like I have a choice, after all.