I missed him so much.
I know that we've only interacted a couple of times but I missed my friend. I had no one else out here in Denver besides Tamryn and for so long, I was ok with that. But since that light skin giant of a person entered my life I feel myself craving the attention he gives me and the laughter he brings me and the safety he brought to me. I was wrong for how I handled the situation and I realized that too late. I didn't want a fight to break out and while I'm not afraid of confrontation, I do not like fights in a place I deemed my safe space. And now, the whole situation has made me sick.
Usually I'm never like this, I've gotten so used to being forgotten that it's strange when people remember me. So used to being alone that I forgot how good it was to have company. I got so used to the mundane that laughter, especially that of a man, deeply confuses me. And I guess to a point everything is confusing me for right now. Why did I want this drunk stranger around me? Was I that desperate for a friend? That desperate for some kind of connection?
I sat in my apartment bedroom, I let Tamryn hold down the fort for me at the bookstore for a few days now. I was so grateful that she truly didn't mind and loved being there working almost as much as I did. I told her I was sick with something that must've been going around and ever since I stumbled off of a stepping stool the other day that my knee has been hurting. To be honest, it was only a half lie. My knee didn't hurt anymore but for some odd reason, I did feel sick. I couldn't pin point exactly what type of sick. Not the type of sick I had portrayed to Tamryn, but, my body was reacting to the absence of my new friend. Of Aaron.
Being in my own house felt weird and I hated feeling like an outsider in a space that I pay for. But for the past 5 days, that's how I've been feeling and I couldn't seem to shake it. I have been a lonely, unwelcomed guest. I have got to get up and do something today, I couldn't just sit in here and think about those broad shoulders that connected to the tattoo on his neck. Couldn't sulk and stay in here all day. Being sad over a friend who was more like an acquaintance? When I have my parents to deal with, and a store to run? Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Staying in bed until 3pm because you're upset about an encounter? Unheard of, pathetic, dependent.
I looked to my vibrating phone and saw that as if on cue my father is calling me... Again. I've been declining my parents calls for going on almost 2 weeks. To imagine speaking to them at this time when I was feeling so vulnerable would be a mistake. They would feel it and feed off of it. Watching me squirm and getting satisfaction off of it. Then then next thing I know they're on a never ending power trip and I'm back home married to a policeman. Or a teacher. I watched my phone ring, until it stopped and I got a notification that I had a voicemail. I unlocked my phone, and quickly deleted it. I don't think when I'm feeling so sad that I should entertain something that would make it worse. Who knows if they're worried or mad that I haven't been taking their calls and I don't want to take the risk of listening to figure it out.
I made my way over to my closet. I decided on a yellow tank top, cut up jeans, and white nameless sneakers that I got from Target. I put my hair in four buns on each corner of my head. Looking over myself I silently confirmed that my appearance was good enough. My mission today was to get a pet, not be a beauty queen. No one important was going to see me anyways.
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I decided to run a few errands before I plunged into finding a pet. The first was getting a manicure and a pedicure. Very much needed being that I've been chewing my nails off and walking around my apartment with no slippers. The second was a facial and although I walked out with my face looking like it was covered in vaseline, I felt good. I made my way to the local pet store and decided to take a slow stroll throughout the aisles to weight all my companion options.
