Enchanted

Chapter 6

Nicolette

Wednesday (10/4)

Mum didn't let me buy the new flavoured ice cream- cinnamon banana at the ice cream shop :( She said I can only buy an ice cream every fortnight and that's not fair.

Friday (10/7)

Sissy came back from school early today and she decided to secretly take me to the ice cream shop by bicycle. Sissy is so good with bikes and I love the wind that gushes at my face every time she cycles at a really high speed. I am glad that the trip was worth it because the cinnamon banana tasted like heaven. 10 out of 10! Then, I begged sissy to teach me how to ride a bicycle so I could get ice cream by myself next time. Sissy said she has homework to complete so no. But today is Friday, she can complete them tomorrow...

Do I regret reading my diary entries? 99% yes, 1% no.

The pages turned wet because of my salty tears and gooey mucus. I can't believe my 11-year-old self was ungrateful for asking Madeleine to teach me how to ride a bicycle when she clearly already spent her studying time to get me ice cream. Even worse, my 11-year-old self was an immature kid.

Sunday (10/9)

Yesterday was boring. Mum took me grocery shopping because she said I should leave sissy alone and let her study for her midterms. She will be going to high school next summer so she needs good grades to help her, I guess. Anyway, I think sissy is in a good mood today and she has decided to teach me how to ride a bicycle. I put on the safety gear she took out from the garage and off we go! I was lucky to wear my long pants with kneecaps so I don't scrap off my skin every time I fell. I still have not mastered it but mum said dinner at 7 so yea... Can't wait for my next lesson!

I realised I used to treat Madeleine as my play buddy and not a role model type of sister to look up to despite calling her 'sissy'. It made me cringe because I have not called her that ever since I turn 12, which was 1 year after writing these diary entries.

I was still dressed in my white blouse and wide-leg slacks, lying on my stomach on my bed. I didn't initially plan to rummage through my old boxes of junk kept underneath my bed to take out my old diary and read it. But my heart thirsted for the feeling of having a sibling by my side and experiencing all the wildness and excitement that was long gone.

Stifling heat roamed the room but I didn't bother to turn on the fan or open the windows because I was emotionally attached to my little pastel diary to notice the lack of air ventilation. I had been forcing my brain to lock away all those memories for the past 3 years. And today, the lock just clicked open and everything just rushed out like tsunami waves drowning my head.

I couldn't comprehend any of it. The books and chapters of my past 15 years just flipped open in a single day and pages were scattered all over the place. I don't know where those papers belong, I cannot place them back into their respective books, let alone arrange them neatly on a shelf.

The only thing I can do to fix it was to humble myself onto the ground and pick them pieces by pieces, read them, process them and feel them.

I miss you so much, Madeleine. So much that I have to give up so many things in life so I don't cry myself into a mess.

I quit visiting ice cream shops and only eat ice cream sold in boxes in grocery stores.

I sold my bicycle despite knowing how to cycle after you calmed me from the crying, bandaged my wounds and taught me over and over patiently.

I stopped ice skating even though mum and dad checked off my bucket list by bringing me to the rink at Rockefeller two Christmas ago.

I cannot do those stuff without yearning for your presence beside me.

"I'm sorry, sissy." I blurted out, breaking the silence. "I'm sorry I didn't appreciate the times I spent with you. I'm sorry for trying to get rid of our memories these years." I hugged the diary tightly in my chest.

I have not released my emotions for a long time. They piled up and squeezed between my artery and veins. I was afraid that if I let them out, my weak heart will burst and I can never be happy anymore.

I was wrong.

Although the rage of what happened 3 years ago still stirred and boiled in me, Madeleine Evergreen is back. And she lives in me.

I continued to read more entries, from early October of that year till late November when we took a road trip during the weekend to Downtown Dallas. There were photos of all four of us at the aquarium, strolling at the arboretum and chilling under the winter Sun near a lake.

I gently ran my index finger across a picture of me and Madeleine stuffing gigantic Hawaiian pizza in our mouths. Madeleine's pizza does not have any pineapples on it because she claimed that pineapple is a fruit and the texture and sweet taste do not fit to be a part of the pizza topping.

I smiled at the thought of this little fact I still remembered about Madeleine.