Enchanted

Chapter 31

Two months later...

Dear Sabrina,

I figured out a letter would be a more sincere way to pour out whatever has been buried in my heart. Some words are meant to be written and not spoken. I could never find the courage to say it to you face-to-face or even through a phone call. Hence, I hope you take your time and read it all the way to the end.

First of all, I have never been so grateful to meet you during Orientation day and to sit down and play chess with you. That was the moment that ignite our friendship and I will never forget it. It was different with you compared to my other friends. When we were together, silence didn't matter. We were not awkward because we were busy deliberating over strategies to defeat each other on the chessboard. We didn't talk much even though I have millions of questions to ask you. But I kept quiet because I was afraid to venture. One day, you came up to me and we started to hang out during lunch break. I felt like we were like a dynamic duo that the world didn't know it needed. We were put together by the force of nature. Fate, I would say but you didn't believe it. I learnt bits of you here and there. You love carbonated drinks. You love Snoopy. You love cats. You hate running. Is your favourite colour black or is it just my assumption?

A few months later, you started dating this guy, Jake. I never knew you were desperate for love until you told me about your family story. That was after you and Jake broke up and I felt really sorry for you. I could tell you still love him when you gave him a quick glance at the hallway. You thought nobody noticed but I did. He was a playboy and I knew that from the beginning. I didn't tell you because I thought you were interested in that kind of game. I should have prevented you from going out with him. I could have saved you from the heartbreak but I didn't. I just stuck by you and watched the show and acted like a hero at the end. I knew you would hate me if I stop you from dating Jake and I didn't want to lose you. I was selfish so I played along.

You must have realised how bad I was, third wheeling your relationship because it might actually work out for you and Jake. I will not know that for sure because I was too caught up in my own opinion while you told me how his eyes lit up when he saw you. Maybe because I was tagging along every library visit and not giving both of you personal time and space, that's why he felt the relationship was boring and ran away. I don't know if I told you before but I forgive you for going out with Brent Kotsky. You deserve privacy and didn't need my permission anyway. He was indeed a great Geography partner because you always smile brightly on the day you received your project marks. And I like how you have such good friends around to help you in your studies.

It was a short-term relationship with Brent so I was not surprised how fast you move on. I don't like seeing you being sad because it makes me feel helpless. When Cedric transferred to our school, you were blushing like a red tomato and I never witnessed you like that before. I should be happy for you but instead, I was trapped in my own world again. You shared with me your secrets but I couldn't do the same to you and I felt ashamed of myself. The worst part was I stirred up drama between us simply because I can't forgive Cedric for what he had done. And I wanted Madeleine to live in Cedric forever because they belonged together. I was not thinking straight when we had the argument so here I am, setting things right even though I should have done it many years ago. Cedric was driving in the straight lane so he was not wrong. Okay, maybe he was a bit because he drove over the speed limit. But still, the blame should be cast on the truck driver. He was the one who took away Madeleine's life. Those nights when we were not talking, I could not sleep. I was wide awake replaying what I have said to you. If everything happens for a reason, then Madeleine was destined to die whether I like it or not. It hurts to say fate works both ways. And this was the bad one. But I got you in return. I left my hometown and you walked into my life.

You are the most wonderful gift to me. But it's sad and disappointing to say I am a screwed-up person, Sabrina. I am no good in your life. I have been and am selfish for 18 years and I am extremely sorry for hiding my true self behind the mask.

I promised myself to stop being a tapeworm lingering in you, that's why I applied to the University of Michigan. It is my dream to be independent and also cause less burden to the people around me.

Yet, here I am, writing down my feelings because a thousand miles does not keep my selfishness in its metal cage. After this, I promise I will leave you alone and not disturb your life ever again.

If sharing cakes with you, staring at you when you stood metres away from me, and thinking and writing about you in my diary incessantly are signs of love language, then I am madly in love with you every single day.

I have 2 years to confess my feelings but I was a timid mouse. Now that you are in a relationship with Cedric, I felt even more embarrassed and egocentric to do it. Nevertheless, I can't go on in life when I got so much to talk about you.

I did my best every day to keep my mind and sight away from you but we somehow got even closer. Worse than worst, I did not realise those two senses are antithetical to each other. I would look everywhere and anywhere while walking home from school but never peered at the bus that drove passed my side. I always knew you would take the seat by the window so I tried to avoid that few seconds of eye contact despite seeing each other so often in school. That day during my sophomore year, I accidentally glanced up and you waved at me. I quickly fixed my gaze back on the grey pavement but my heart was racing so fast trying to chase the bus down the street. I went home and did what I was supposed to do but my soul still lingered on the streets. My mind still went back to the scenes as if ignoring your presence was a crime that cannot be forgiven.

When we become best friends, I shut my crazy thoughts away. I invited you over to play chess and we started to have conversations on different topics. I kept stocking up the fridge with your favourite desserts hoping you will notice my small gestures. You didn't and I don't blame you for that. I was always a few steps behind because I was scared to take the risk. I was scared of rejection and taking up the responsibility. So I guessed you were right all along. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

You are like ivy that grew on my castle and my ghost was haunted by your grace. Burning down the masterpiece we created would come close to stabbing a sword into my heart and leaving the blood dripping slowly until I die.

I don't hate you, Sabrina. I hate myself for not admitting that I love you. I kept convincing myself that I was just jealous of your relationship or I was merely feeling lonely. But no, I love you and this feeling is bigger than what these three words contain. It is wider than the ocean, deeper than the sea and bigger than the whole sky. I love you for being together with Cedric. I love you for your jokes and your made-up philosophy quotes. I love you for who you are and I would delightedly be your bestest friend in life.

However, I'm afraid it won't happen. There is so much going on in both of our worlds, yours filled with glitters and bright stars whilst mine filled with thick-grown forest with wild creatures. Our planets will not be aligned because we are not made for each other. I was way too serious about things and treated us like a battle on a chessboard. I don't want to hurt you because you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. We collided, left fragments in each other's planet and it is time for you to enjoy true happiness, that is Cedric Orlando. He promised me he will never ever break your heart and I guarantee you he is definitely your soulmate.

I wish you an abundance of everything good today, tomorrow and eternally. Promise me you will invite me to your wedding because I want to see my favourite human being walking down the aisle in a beautiful white dress, marrying the love of her life.

3 years of history engraved deep in my heart. If we ever cross paths in the future, I will immediately recognise you because you are the brightest star in the entire universe.

Until then, goodbye.

Yours truly,

Nicolette