Enchanted

Chapter 22

Sabrina

It was easy to remember the last moment you spent with someone close to you than to recall the years you spent together. It was easier to let all those years of recollections slip past your memory core when you realise they meant nothing and they were all fake.

After that particular autumn morning, I begged my aunt to let me use her phone to call my parents. She ignored me because she knew I would just plead with my parents to come and pick me up. I would scream and cry while apologising and making promises that I will be a good girl and listen to instructions. I did them anyway even without being given a phone. My aunt hated my tantrums so she locked me up in my room until all my energy drained out and I could no longer murmur another word from my vocal chord.

A few weeks later, I would just quietly stare out of the window in the living room. My mind was blank like a white sheet of paper and I felt like I was in a vegetative state. My aunt was busy with her work so she just let me rot internally at that spot. After all, I knew how to walk to the kitchen and find whatever food was left in the fridge and eat them. Chicken sandwich. Pizza. Apples. They were never delicious like they used to be. They became insipid and I was too lazy to chew them and let the salivary enzymes dissolve them slowly in my mouth. They were merely a necessity to survive in this world.

She sent me to elementary school every day after registration. I remembered loving the process of learning new things mainly to forget the old ones. I did homework and watched National Geography and History documentaries to kill time. During one of the weekends, I found a Xiangqi board and a guidebook in one of the drawers underneath the TV. Those round pieces transported me to the Chinese battlefield centuries ago where I got to be the admiral and led the army into war and prove my loyalty to the king. That was one of the rarest times my aunt share her past with me, saying she used to enjoy playing Xiangqi as a kid. She was glad that I finally have a hobby so she enrolled me into a chess club.

I made a few friends and I would dread my time to return to the house. I missed the school bus on purpose and went over to their place and play tag or hide-and-seek. My aunt never realised any of it because I lied to the bus driver that I have projects to work on with my friends and will be going over to their place and I made sure I return before dinner. Once, I fell on the tarred road after tripping on a stone and Lola's mum bandaged the wound on my knee. My aunt did not notice it either. Or maybe she was just tired to care.

As time elapsed, I started to have awful nightmares. The last moment I had with my parents reran like a movie reel. I was jerked awake when I feel the pain my dad hit me with his briefcase in the car. It was a Friday morning and he had to drive me to school because mum was sick. The car ride was silent so I decided to turn on the radio. I did not notice he was in a bad mood and I was humming happily to myself. He complained I was annoying and told me to shut up. I was stupid enough to ignore him just because the radio was playing my favourite song. Suddenly, he said I could continue to listen to the radio if I could count from 1 to 100. I was bad with numbers, even until now in high school so I refused. He snapped and started yelling at me. I could not comprehend the words because his mouth was moving really fast. He said something about I was wasting his money and not appreciating the education I was provided. He scolded me for being useless and I cried because that was what I was best at. When we reached the school entrance, he told me to wipe my tears and not to cause any trouble. I already had a horrible week balling my eyes out and I didn't want that for the weekends. I obliged because deep down, I believed that he was not a violent person and that he did this for my own good. American kids would never understand the Chinese saying 'beating is a sign of affection, cursing is a sign of love,' because this sentence is tattooed in the bloodline since the time of our ancestors.

I became a nocturnal animal for a long period of time. I would wake up when the alarm clock rang after accidentally dozing off for 4 hours and find myself looking like a panda. Bloated face and dark circles beneath my eyes. I kept my attention span for my favourite classes which are art and language. For the rest of the sessions, I would sit at the back of the class taking short naps. I made sure I study the topics I missed and catch up on all my assignments so the teachers don't report to my aunt.

After I got to high school, I found it even hard to get along with my friends. I have the money to go on random shopping sprees with them, to buy branded fancy clothing and pair different colours of outfits every day and pay for high-tea at posh restaurants but I didn't like any of it. All they talk was dollar sign. Money, cash, notes. Nevertheless, I stuck by their side like a fearful dog because I didn't want to be a lone ranger who often gets bullied like those in high school dramas. I seldom go on play dates with them where they gossip about the school kids but I tried to be as pretentious as possible like I was interested in their tea.

Then, I met a sophomore girl, named Nicolette who just moved to this town. We knew each other from chess club and we have unexpectedly come across each other in school as well. She was with her friends and I was with mine. We waved and brushed past each other. This happened countless times up to a stage we went from acquaintances to friends. At that time, I was in a fight with one of my friends, Tiffany. She was complaining childishly about everything her pea brain could think of. "Why are you avoiding her and Destiny?", "Why didn't you reply to our messages in the group chat", "Why didn't you want to buy the leather jacket to twin with me?" and "I can't believe you betrayed our friendship!". I was livid so I exited the group and we drifted apart. We don't see eye-to-eye and the years of friendship just burnt and ashes scattered along the wind all in a single day.

I was inclined to spend more time with Nicolette during lunch break and then in between classes. One day, I was finally conscious that she was no longer with her group of friends so I asked her, "I haven't seen the other two of your friends lately." She shrugged. "We don't have much in common. And also I prefer to be with you." I laughed sarcastically. Now, I would ask myself if she lied to me and left her friend group because of me. Because Nicolette could get along with anyone and her cordial face is the kind everyone wants to be friends with.

When you have a friend, you tend to become greedy. You desire a lifetime companion. You seek a boyfriend that could never abandon you simply because he gets tired of you, your aching soul and your craving for love and attention. You wish for him to heal you and make you whole again.

I dated Jake Carney. He was an asshole who loves fame and it was no surprise he dated my ex-best friend, Emma behind my back. Back then, I thought we were both in love but in reality, we just liked each other's looks and physical touch. He would duck my questions about college and constantly say 'You're worrying too much' when he already knew we won't have a future at all. He continued to play Romeo to my Juliet until I woke up from the fact that he will not give a damn if I died from poison.

Then, I moved on to Brent Kotsky. He was an amazing Geography project partner who thinks his life is a rom-com movie and broke up with me because he was too good for me. Back then, I sincerely love him for who he is but I was too scared to ask myself the question: Does he love me like I do? I guessed he have just been wearing love-shaped sunglasses all along. It was short but I sometimes replay them when I lay on my back staring at the ceiling. I like to pretend our lives together. I want to sit on the couch and listen to him telling dad jokes to the kids with kittens purring around the house. I want to travel around the world with him and put our Geography knowledge to use. After one and another imagination, I realised I never contributed anything and I don't deserve to enjoy something I never put any effort into.

After I ricochetted from the relationship, I found Nicolette still standing in front of me. Her presence I treated invisible like a ghost all these times yet never left. I traded her endurance for a few kisses and her generosity for a few bouquets of flowers but ended up empty-handed. I felt sorry for her, for always looking after me but getting nothing in return. I felt stupid for discussing my dream university and major with Jake when I should have done it with her. I felt stupid for not telling her about my relationship with Brent which she found out in the worst way. I made the silliest mistakes yet she let them slide.

This time, I fell for Cedric Orlando. I was blinded by the mist of love again. I used Nicolette as my compass and my map to lead me to paradise, not noticing her strangeness towards him. But it was too late to abort the mission because I took too many steps into the void. I am confident I will be flying like a bluebird in the clouds but the whirlpool at the bottom made my wings weak. Nicolette, please stop.