Escapism

My Daughter

I never desired children.

Coming from a broken family,

I felt the best way to ensure

I never passed down the trauma

Was to put the idea of kids into a box,

And keep it locked away in a far corner

Of my mind where forgotten dreams lived.

But sometimes when I would see

Little girls holding their mother's hand,

My mind would peek into that box again.

It was difficult to imagine myself with a son.

For some reason my mind couldn't fathom it,

But it could imagine countless scenarios about a daughter.

My daughter had a few similarities to me,

But I never imagined her as a mini me.

I loved the idea of her sharing traits

But still being her own person with

Unique quirks and personality.

She'd have my snowy pale skin,

Brown eyes with golden flecks,

And my smile.

I think I always focused in on those features

Because I wanted to see someone

Be truly happy with my smile, my eyes, and snowy skin.

Those qualities are meant to shine

But I could never do them justice.

My happiness was never quite pure,

Constantly clouds with despair and anger.

But my daughter's would be pure.

When she would smile it would shine,

Her eyes would twinkle,

And her whole being would take on a sort of glow

As if her being happy in itself was ethereal.

Her happiness would be so powerful.

There would never be a day where

She questions if she was loved

Or if anyone would play with her

Because I would be there

Every night reading her stories

So she could have sweet dreams.

I would be there fixing her hair in the mornings,

Making sure it was smooth with no tangles.

I would be there every time she was sad

To wrap her in my arms,

Gently rocking her back in forth whispering

"It's ok honey, it's ok to be sad,

Mommy is here."

Lorelai.

That would be her name.

When I saw that name,

I knew it belonged to her.

Somedays all I want is for Lorelai to exist,

To be able to see that beautiful little girl

I'd get to call my daughter.

Deep down I know that dream

Would shatter if it was real.

It's all in my imagination,

And that's where Lorelai will stay.

But a part of me will always hope,

I will meet her one day.