Race till the end-formula 1

29

one week later

Brussels-Belgium

He felt sorrow as much as he felt closure, he felt empty and the thought of being given a glimpse into something he could have had all along. And a part of him felt like he shouldn't have this. Have his mother or that weird written version of her be proud of him, when he could not be less proud of what he became.

Being in the office in front of Dhalia was way different than their usual online sessions, it made it feel real. he was very aware the woman in front of him is there. he really was sitting vulnerable, talking to a doctor about all the ways he was fucked up. and there was lots to go through.

"I read it..her diary," he said slowly "It stops when I was three"

"And, what did you discover?" Dahlia responds.

"She was so different, even the way she wrote it's like a different person, ,"

"What did she write?" the question asked gently weighing the cool air around him.

"she wrote about me...how proud she was....from my birth all the way to her death.. her family cut her off after she got pregnant... but, she wanted me...she said it would be worth it, said she was excited, " his voice steady and hollow.

"and how does that make you feel amadeus," Dahlia said gently.

"I...understand her more, I always knew she must have had a tough life to be like this but...I don't think I deserved that, I don't think I was that bad to deserve what she did to me"his voice barely a whisper by the end

she looked at him softly "You didn't deserve any of it amadeus you were just a kid"

"It's just...." he sighed rubbing his face in frustration

" I hate that I got a glimpse into something i begged for day and night when i was younger, i hate how much part of me now wants to forgive her"

"I hate that...why would I forgive her, she did nothing to deserve it... I-I was such a good kid I swear I did everything she wanted I just wanted her to care"

He watched Dahlia digest what he just said, her eyes were softer and brighter in real life her blond hair glowing from the sun. She looked at him gently.

"you need to forgive but not for her sake, for yours, you love what she could have been, but you need to let go, Amadeus, you need to let go of the idea that things could have been different nothing you could have done would have changed the way she was, understand that she is one of the biggest factors in what you are, understand the damage she did to you, and accept the truth as it is"

"......but if I was good enough maybe she would have loved me or maybe I am just difficult to love, the only person I ever loved couldn't even stay"

"You are not difficult to love, Your mother and Laila and everyone in your life that once left corrupted the way you perceive love, you have this idea in your head that the only time you're worthy of being loved is when you're at your best. you're still worthy of being loved when you're at your lowest. you're still worthy of being loved when you don't want to go on anymore. you are still worthy of being loved even when you don't love yourself. ."