decisions (tom kaulitz x reader)

• 24 •

(TW: suicide attempt ☹️)

tom sighed eventually accepting that i didn't want to have this conversation. he got into bed and laid on his back. after hours of me trying to get sleep i looked over at tom. my thoughts have been consuming me, specifically the suicidal ones. i don't know. i should just do it. no point in living, i want a good life. and life has been really shitty for a while now. i got off the bed and walked over to the bathroom. once i was inside i locked the door and began looking through the medicine cabinet. i grabbed one of the bottles examining it. once i read the dose amount i checked how much was inside.

i dumped a bunch in my hand and for the first time in a while, i felt like i had control over my life. i smiled a bit. i am ready. without a second thought i brought my hand to my mouth taking in the pills. i swallowed them and looked in the mirror. i took a deep breath, ready for freedom. finally i can escape. i'm taking control of something in my life. i'm going out by my choice. my decision. suddenly a sickening feeling began in my stomach and i winced. the pain struck hard, i felt like my stomach was gonna explode. i started shaking and suddenly everything went black.

***

the faint sound of a monitor beeping made my eyes slowly open. i stared at a ceiling and my hearing became clear. i looked down and saw i was in a hospital gown, with a blanket over me. there was in IV in my arm. i squeezed my eyes adjusting to the bright lights. once i regained my vision my eyes roamed the room. aimlessly at first, until i saw a sleeping tom on the couch, aswell as bill. bill was awake. looking at his phone. i cough unexpectedly hit me making bills eyes immediately meet mine. his eyes went wide and he stood up coming to my side. i swallowed harshly and took a deep breaths bill smiled as i saw tears filling his eyes. "your awake..." he said resting his hand on my cheek.

"what happened..?" i asked. my memory was fuzzy. bill shook his head. "you don't remember?" he asked softly. "the doctor said that would most likely be the case." i heard tom say. my eyes flicked to toms figure hovering behind bills. i stared between the two as i awaited an answer. "2 days ago, i woke up to a loud bang i didn't see you in bed anymore and i walked out and saw the bathroom light was on, but the door was closed. i knocked and you didn't answer." tom shrugged a bit as he looked down, his expression was sad, maybe even guilty looking? "you locked yourself in there y/n. i had to pick the lock to get inside and when i did...." his gaze was brought back to mine.

"you we're having a seizure and foaming at the mouth. you... you tried to kill yourself." he said and i watched as his eyes welled with tears. he tried to keep a calm demeanor but his eyes gave him away. "i won't question why, but. y/n i want you to get better." my attention went to bill as he looked at me. tears were streaming down his face and when he spoke his voice broke. i sighed and sat up, carefully. i opened my arms for bill. "come here." i smiled trying to comfort him. bill embraced me and i rubbed his head. "you can't scare me like that again y/n. ever again. i don't want you to promise me, but i want you to promise your trying." he said as i felt his tears stain my gown. "i promise i've been trying, and will keep trying." i smiled to myself as i held him.

"i'm here though," i began as we pulled away. i wiped bills tears with my thumbs. "i just had a breaking point." my eyes drifted to tom, but i quickly looked back to bill. bill smiled. "i'm not gonna lie, i need to piss realllyyy realllyyy bad." bill laughed as he tried to collect himself. "but i love you so so much. and i'm happy your still with me." he smiled as he walked to the bathroom. i load there and looked over at tom. "would it be possible i get a hug?" tom asked. i nodded. he leaned down embracing me. he held me tightly but not too tight. he rubbed my back soothingly and buried his face in my neck. of course i love tom, and i miss him.

but the situation is difficult. i would be willing to be with him again, if he was willing to keep his dick in his baggy ass jeans. i rested my head on toms shoulder enjoying his warmth. my eyes closed as i soaked it in. but he didn't let go. he just held me. i thought about the situation i put them in. i couldn't imagine being in toms position on that night, thinking everything is fine because your there then waking up to find they tried to kill themselves? i don't know how it's gonna affect him. but we've been through alot. bill came back out and i didn't let go of tom. i opened my eyes looking at bill. he smiled sweetly at the scene.

eventually me and tom pulled away. and when we did he kissed my forehead. tom and bill pulled their chairs up to the side of my bed and we all just began talking about random stuff, i think we all needed a break from the reason we were here in the first place. it was good to finally think about positive instead of the negativity that eats away at my brain. it makes me feel like a zombie, but right now i felt good. a normal conversation.

(a/n: ☹️☹️ y/n is ok but god knows what's gonna happen next...)