YuanFen

Chapter 12

Akira

Damn! Damn!

Halos maputol yung brush na hawak ko habang madiin na at walang direksyon na basta ko na lang iyong inilalapat sa blangkong canvas.

How dare that woman to make me remember!

Nang hindi makuntento sa ginagawang linya ng brush ay ibinato ko na lang iyon sa kung saan at ginamit yung sarili kong mga kamay para ikalat yung mga pintura.

And unlike my usual, I did not bother mixing colors in a palette before using these paints.

Basta ko na lang ibinaba sa sahig yung canvas, ibinuhos yung pintura, at hinayaan kung anuman ang kalalabasan niyon habang wala sa sariling ikinakalat ko lang iyon.

I don't have anything concrete in my mind.

Ang tanging tumatakbo sa isip ko ay yung mga salitang binanggit ni Elise kanina.

I hate how sensitive I can be whenever it concerns Payne.

And I hate the fact that Elise made me remember the truth that I am running from.

Is it true that paintings don't lie? An artist can't lie?

That's bullshit!

Artists are deceivers. They only show what they want for other people to see. They only give what they want for other people to perceive.

And if those people think otherwise, it's not the artist's fault, it's the viewer's twisted mind to blame, not theirs.

Nanghihinang napasalampak ako ng upo sa sahig at marahang isinandal yung likod sa malamig na pader.

Wala sa loob na tiningnan ko lang yung kamay kong punong-puno ng natutuyong pintura.

Kulay lumot.

Mosses that can be seen normally in the forest.

Napapikit ako ng mariin.

Out of all colors I have.. The irony.

Old habits are really hard to die.

Mosses remind me of my childhood.

Natawa ako ng mahina habang mataman lang iyong pinagmamasdan. "So, it's true that mosses and brush are still something I'd pick amidst of all the choices."

Just like before.

But unlike everyone from the family, I was denied to have the same in my name.

It was a tradition in our tribe that when a child reaches one year, they'll be given a chance to pick the first thing they want infront of them. And that thing that they'd pick will be part of their names.

Ako lang sa lahat ng bata ang pumili ng dalawa kaya naman hindi ko nakuha ang kahit isa sa dalawang bagay na pinili ko ng sabay.

It was a curse.

Someone who can't choose just one is cursed.

The tribe people said that I am not a good keeper so I will never ever have one. It was a sign of discontentment.

At hanggang ngayon, hindi pa din nawawala yung sumpang iyon. Lahat ng bagay na akala ko meron ako o nakuha ko na, unti-unti din nawawala.

Things and people really have their own ways of losing within my tight grip.

Funny that the more I cling into it, the faster it slips out.

At nakakapagod umasa. Nakakapagod na maniwala na may mga bagay na kusang nananatili.