triggers: eating disorder references, self harm references, anxiety references.
✕
and there's no guarantee,
that this will be easy.
it's not a miracle you need, believe me.
yeah, i'm no angel, i'm just me,
i but I will love you endlessly.
wings aren't what you need, you need me.
- endlessly, the cab
✕
hastily, i plated up the spaghetti and took it through to the living room. i handed luke and calum a plate each, and then ashton once he'd sat down.
and of course, ashton couldn't just keep quiet and let me be.
"why aren't you having any?"
i froze.
the first thing that came to my mind is the excuse i make to my mum, that i ate a big lunch. but there was no way i could say that since they'd all been with me at lunch and seen i had nothing at all.
"and you didn't eat that chicken soup that i finished off, are you feeling okay?" cal questioned, putting his fork down and looking up at me with a face of concern.
i just nodded, the breath catching in my throat. i didn't have the courage or the confidence to try and make an excuse, i knew whatever i said would be unbelievable and they wouldn't buy it for a second.
so i did the only thing i knew i could, walked away. i backed into the kitchen and shut the door behind me.
i could feel the tears rushing to my eyes.
i hated lying to people.
i hated the empty, growling pain in my stomach.
i hated the pain in my heart.
i don't know how long i sat there, back to the wall and knees pulled up to my chest. the tiled floor was cold, but not so much it was uncomfortable. if anything it helped me relax.
my fingers traced over my wrist, cool fingertips brushing raised lines. a small smile ghosted my lips when i felt the texture change to smooth. no imperfections, the skin was pure and clean. no reminder of all the pain and the anger.
i really wish i could stop, but it's an addiction.
it all started as just an experiment, a way to release how i felt. i thought i could just stop a month later. but it felt so good, so satisfying.
i couldn't stop.
it became my coping method, i deserved it. the voices in my head encouraged it every time my emotions were high.
and suddenly that smooth skin was no longer desirable. that hint of hope i felt moments before was gone, that skin was next.
i felt the tears running down my cheeks and didn't try to stop them. they always hit so unexpectedly.
a little confrontation and i'm crying on the floor. pathetic.
at the slightest sign of any trouble i spiral out of control.
i shuffled away from the door, realising with my close proximity they would hear me. instead i chose to lean my back on the counter, resting my arms on top of my knees and hiding my face in them. my sleeves were bunched in my fists, something to hold on to.
the door opened then closed again quickly, but i didn't look up.
my body shook with violent sobs and i felt two arms encircle me.
