triggers: anxiety, panic attacks, eating disorder
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you're some kind of angel,
i'll never be able to let go,
let go,
let let let you go
- unpredictable, the icarus account
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✕ ashton's p.o.v ✕
for some reason the pieces just wouldn't fit together in my mind. i was completely lost in my own head yet again. neither of the boys will tell me what's going on with him. but i know something's not right. nobody goes through life never smiling for no reason. there's always something behind it.
when he wont talk even in his own house then there's a serious problem.
luke is shy but as soon as he's somewhere he's comfortable he could talk about anything and everything, calum's the same. but michael just doesn't talk and i don't get it.
is it because me and luke are kind of strangers to him? from what cal's told us he can actually be cute and funny. it's honestly something i want to witness.
glancing down at my phone, I scanned the list I was writing on notes.
reasons to love michael:
- messed up priorities
- great music taste
- cool hair
- pretty face
when i feel like i have enough i plan to give him it. maybe it'll make him a little more comfortable with me. plus i have a secret aesthetic for things like that. the adorable cheesy tumblr stuff that makes you feel all fluffy.
manly, i know.
but don't ever tell me you honestly haven't seen those relationship posts on tumblr and realised you would assassinate the local mayor to have that.
i want to see him smile. it's an achievable goal, i know i can do it.
"that chicken soup did not satisfy my hunger, do you have any more food?" calum whined, putting on his pouty face.
michael rolled his eyes, "i don't cook calum, what do you expect me to do?" he responded.
"i can make spaghetti, that's about it" i piped up, a plan already forming in my mind.
don't get me wrong, i'm not usually like this. michael's different, in the short time i've known him i've come to recognise the almost magnetic force he exerts. it pulls me to him, makes me want to spend as much time with him as i can.
crushes aren't a common thing for me, i don't see how longing after someone helplessly for months on end will get you anywhere. no, i'm more of a pursuer of those thoughts. right now michael was my target. it doesn't feel like a crush though, not the way i'm used to them feeling.
feel free to judge me, i know it seems a ridiculous amount of time in which to conclude how i feel. but i know, i just know.
"we probably have pasta..." he says shyly, looking at me.
the light captures his green eyes in a way i can't explain, the english language is simply not beautiful enough.
despite my initial thoughts, he definitely is more open in his own house. he doesn't even mutter a few words at school, baring in mind today is the first day i've heard him speak.
"then let's make spaghetti." i announce, taking his hand and pulling him up.
he pulled his hand away almost instantly, tugging his sleeve back over it and walked into the kitchen. i simply followed, not knowing where i was going of course.
✕ michael's p.o.v ✕
my heart was beating so hard i thought it was going to force its way out of my chest any minute. he didn't give me chance to protest and i hate disappointing people. i didn't want to be alone with him, i don't know him. what if i get on his nerves and he hates me? i get on most people's nerves, frankly i'm surprised him and luke have stuck around this long.
but then again, they are here for calum. they like him a lot, i can tell. the way they all laugh and smile, joking around. he left me to walk home alone for them, i can't help but think he likes them more already. i'm going to get left behind, forgotten along with all the pressure and baggage of being my only friend.
i got out everything we would need, quietly and not making eye contact. i didn't want to be in this position to start with, never mind interact.
turning, i saw him playing with the dials on our old radio until he found kerrang. he looked up and smiled brightly at me, god that smile.
before i knew it we were laughing as he struggled to bend the spaghetti into the pan, he'd been struggling for the last 5 minutes. his laugh was contagious, i could feel my stress dying down.
he was carefree and funny, cracking jokes and making random conversation. granted i barely responded, but now i was doubled over laughing as he yelled at the pasta.
"let me." i spoke, my voice coming out stronger than i expected.
i sounded confident, ha, there's a first. blushing at the sound of my own voice, i nudged him out of the way and bent the strips into the water with ease.
"pfft, they'd softened up by the time you got to them." he grumbled, folding his arms like a child.
i rolled my eyes, shaking my head at his behavior.
i continued to commandeer the pan. by no means did i know what i was doing, but i'd seen my mum do it many times and had a rough idea.
"no i wanna do it. spaghetti is my strong point!" ashton complained, trying to steer me away by my shoulders.
his grip on my shoulders was gentle. only pushing slightly, but it was enough to tip me over the edge. i flinched away from him, my face turning red and my breathing becoming shallow.
i can't deal with people touching me, i'm not really sure why. i can tolerate my mum most days, sometimes calum if i'm in a better mood than usual. ashton was a stranger.
"i'm so sorry, i didn't mean to upset you. too far, i'm not used to lack of contact. me and luke aren't like that at all. i'm so sorry michael honestly." he babbled, his expression quickly changing.
i concentrated on breathing, his words passing over me. all i could do was nod in his direction. luckily i caught it fast and could calm down pretty quickly, otherwise i would have had to get calum in here to help me.
shaking, i re-approached the oven and checked the pasta had softened.
✕ ashton's p.o.v ✕
god i felt awful. i didn't mean to scare him at all, i had no idea he didn't like being touched. he looked so shaken up, i think my heart broke. if there's one thing i can't stand the sight of it's a broken person, and i saw a glimmer of shattered pieces and fragility in his eyes when he backed away from me.
he was so skeletal, his shoulder blades like the blade of a knife. they felt like they were protruding from his skin in a way that i can only describe as disturbing.
he got no lunch today, he left an almost full bowl of soup. my concern was growing with every realisation, what was going on with him?
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omg it's been forever (8 months actually) since i updated, i'm so sorry! i had my rowyso concert on tuesday (2nd of June) and it was amazing, i cried so hard.
anyway,i hope people are still reading this. i'm going to try update more now everything in my life has settled down.
i've missed writing c:
- L
