triggering: self harm references, abuse [domestic and child] references , bullying references, anorexia references
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'you used to captivate me by your reasoning light
now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face - it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice - it chased away all the sanity in me
these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase'
- evanescence, my immortal
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i was pulled from my sleep by the beeping of my alarm. i wish I could say my sleep was peaceful but it wasn't. all my dreams have been replaced with nightmares of what i have to endure everyday. the bullying, the abuse, watching my mum get hurt. sometimes even things that my mind creates. isaac persuading calum to leave me, jack and harry getting as bad as isaac. their voices hurling abuse at me even while i'm not in control of myself. groaning, i dragged myself out of the safe, warm comfort of my bed and onto the cold wooden floor. my wrists stung like a bitch but i didn't want to look at them yet. gently, i pulled the t-shirt and joggers i had wore to bed off and quietly as possible got dressed again. I had to hold the skinny jeans up until i found a belt for them. it felt like an achievement when i could fasten it on a hole tighter than I could last week.
after creeping past my mums room, which also contained rob my stepdad i just don't like to think of it as his room too, i stepped into the bathroom and made my way over to the sink. my wrists were clad in bandages from the night before. hesitantly, i peeled the coarse material away from my skin revealing scars, open angry red cuts and dry blood. deep in my heart i know i shouldn't do it, but every time i'm particularly down the urge is so strong that i can't control it. i washed my arms in cold water and then bandaged them up tightly again. the light caught the mirror causing it to gleam and catch my eye. as i gazed at my reflection i picked out each one of my flaws. they weren't hard to find, my face was full of them. there wasn't one thing i liked about myself. before i could get all upset or stressed i distracted myself with brushing my teeth.
once back in my room, the battle against my hair began. in the end i remembered there was no point in making an effort and gave up. i yanked a hoodie on letting the fleecy material hang loosely off me before pulling the sleeves down over my hands and bunching them in my fists. the stairs creaked, signalling that my mum was awake and on her way down to make a breakfast i wasn't going to eat. thankfully, i could hear rob's snores faintly from down the corridor. the last thing we needed this morning was him causing trouble. kind of like a crab, i scuttled down the carpeted steps. i promise there's a good reason behind it, it's not just how i get my kicks. fetish for being a crab ooh yeah turn on. anyway, if there wasn't creaking then mum couldn't hear me coming. if she couldn't hear me coming then she would think i was still asleep so i could sneak out before she could corner me about eating. unfortunately, i'm a huge fuck-up so obviously i forgot about one of the steps. like a true pro, james bond would be proud. since everything seems to hate me, it was the loudest step too and then as if by magic my mother appeared at the bottom of the stairs. to be fair, i probably looked like a small woodland animal that had been scared by a passing car considering when the step creaked i recoiled away from it. when my mind stopped being a startled squirrel, i focused on her. new bruises were forming on her cheeks and i wanted to burst into tears and hug her and never let go. problem was, if she hugged me i'd soften and let her give me breakfast. all those calories are the last thing i need.
