𝐅𝐢𝐥𝐭𝐡𝐲 𝐇𝐚𝐛𝐢𝐭𝐬

fifty-three.

I know I'm dreaming as fourteen-year-old me throws her arms out and sores through the air. Not a single weight on my back and I have no clue what my life will become.

The dream descends into darkness and I don't want to open my eyes.

I don't want to think about what today is.

I'd done everything in my power but, I don't have an atom in my body that believes its enough.

I don't have a job.

And due to the delay the case suffered thanks to Ian, the judge decided to bring us to court sooner than originally planned.

I had to tell Raine last night.

I'd been putting it off for as long as possible, trying to let her settle into a little bit of normalcy. The last thing I wanted to do is let her stew over the possibility of Ian winning custody for longer than necessary.

I've kept that worry close to my chest, protecting her the best I can, for as long as I can.

I didn't want to leave her last night, but once she fell asleep, I snuck downstairs. I needed a cigarette, vowing for it to be the last one I ever smoke if by some miracle this judge chooses to grant me permeant custody of Raine.

With maybe three hours of sleep, I drug myself from the couch, it's after three in the morning. My hands tremble as I attempt to get a glass of water. I almost shatter the glass when it almost tumbles into the sink.

One more bud wouldn't kill me, but hopefully it would calm my nerves.

I need to be calm.

For Raine.

I forced back a scream when I open the front door and find one of the chairs occupied.

Head tipped over, legs lax as his arms cross over his chest.

What the fuck is he doing?

How long has he been out here?

And how long had he been doing this?

Since he got here?

I step over his feet and slump in the other chair.

I stare for a moment, letting a sigh escape from my lips.

I love him.

I will love him till my skin turns to dust and I seize to exist.

I love Anaca more than my heart needs blood.

He mortared my wall and eternalized the high we all spend our lives chasing.

The flicker of the lighter wakes him.

His eyes softly peel open and reveal those blue eyes of his.

"Caught," he groggily hums.

I don't have it in me to scolded him, if anything the monster inside me is feining that he's sleeping on my sister's porch. That he is letting me think he's respecting my wishes, yet is still watching over me. Or that he knows I don't truly want to send him away every time. He knows me better than I know myself and that alone is more than enough reason for me to do what I'm about to do. Yet I have millions more.

Smoke fills the warm air between us as I take a second puff before lazily offering him the bud.

Anaca straightens his back, pulling his legs back in before taking it from me.

I watch as he brings it to his mouth, deeply inhales before turn up his lips and letting it mix with the remnants of mine.

"You're not going to yell at me for being out here?"