if only {rewritten}

12.

things didn't stop there per say. he still had my number. he'd text a few times here and there, frivolous messages that never went further than a quick "hello".

eventually he stopped.

i don't know why I paused it. yet, somehow I do.

i was was scared.

not necessarily of him, but of what I was doing.

because life wasn't a sappy wattpad novel.

people don't just find their way to each other.

the situation had spiraled out of control. i'd contradicted myself. i'd given him my name. my location.

i disobeyed my number one rule: never get personal.

i suppose it was because i was lonely. humans need company. ian gave me that.

i liked our conversations.

i liked him.

he was my friend.

i suppose you could say that I regret my decision.

i didn't move.

i stayed in proxley for a while. i guess i held on to some ridiculous notion that he'd come after me.

but he didn't.

because life isn't a fairytale where everything goes right.

it a bitter road of disappointment with fate growing in fleeting, good moments to distract you from the harsh reality.

he forgot about the girl he'd texted.

that was fair.

i moved out eventually. off to a brighter future.

now?

now, i'm in america.

now, i still remember.

now, i'm twenty five. three years after those days and i still can't forget.

now, i'm moving into my new apartment. now, i'm about to head into an interview for a company named larabrio inc. it's a multi-million dollar marketing agency.

i can't forget ian's face.

somehow, I think that picture he sent me was actually him.

i don't know for sure of course.

it's probably just the dreamer inside of me.

blue eyes haunt my dreams though.

so, now, i'm here.

now' a strange word. it's ever-changing. it could surprise you.

now. now. now.

sometimes, i wonder.

i wonder what could've happened.

but then i dismiss those thoughts.

most times anyway.

when i let the if's run free, i end up thinking, if only.

if only i hadn't been so frightened.

if only I hadn't given up on something that had so much potential.

oh, well.

i'd rather not dwell on if only's.

because the future will eventually become the now and the past doesn't need to be dwelled on.