Chase Pastor, Chase!

Chapter 19

tw // attempt of suicide

When I returned to his house, it wasn't locked. The house never felt emptier now that he's not here. Seeing my surroundings made me remember our memories together.

No. He's not dead. He's gonna come back to me again. A tear fell from my eye as I stood there.

God, why? He's the person I love the most yet he's not here. Why is he gone? Karma ko na ba 'to dahil sa mga maling nagawa ko? Kung alam ko lang sana nagpakamatay na ako.

I can't take this too much pain. Tao lang din naman ako, pero ba't ganito? Naging mabuting tao naman ako ah, ba't nangyayari sakin to?

I fell on the floor. Gusto ko sanang tumayo ulit pero wala na akong lakas para gawin iyon. I slowly closed my eyes until the darkness filled my vision.

When I woke up, my eyes were teary. I was still in the living room, laying down on the floor while the sun hit my whole body. I checked myself and found my shirt had a small stain of blood. I suddenly remember what happened last night.

I ran upstairs to check if I could see him but when I opened the door, he wasn't there. The bed was fixed neatly and everything was arranged properly. I began to cry again.

Why am I even crying? He's not fucking dead! Why does everybody think he's dead?

The other room wasn't locked. When I entered it, all the papers were gone. There was only the study table and empty boxes. I checked the boxes and I saw his painting tools and art materials.

In one of the canvases, he painted something but it wasn't finished.
I saw a picture of me on the back of it. I was wearing a dress while staring at the flowers that were shining. It seemed familiar.

I suddenly realized it was the day he bought me to a beach where there were flowers that lit up when you take a step. He wanted to paint me...?

Wait. His paintings downstairs, is it also me?

Tumakbo ako pa baba at kinuha ang isa sa mga painting niya. Kagaya ng ginawa ko sa isa niyang painting ay tiningnan ko ang likuran. I was right...

There was also a picture of me. All of the paintings had a picture of me at the back, I was the model of all his paintings. Why did I just know this now that he's gone?

Hindi ko rin alam bakit hindi panako nauubusan ng luha. Patulog lang silang lumalabas sa mga mata ko na parang walang katapusan. Ang mga mata ko rin ay namamaga at namumula habang unti unti akong nawawalan ng boses.

I will wait for you. I will not leave this house until you come back. Alam kong babalik ka at hihintayin kita kahit matagal pa yan.

You told me to wait for you and you promised you would come back. I will not get tired of waiting for you, Zac...

In every corner of this house, I will always remember our memories. The way you greet me a good morning and kiss my forehead, the way you just hug me from the back while kissing my neck.

I still see you in the kitchen, cooking our breakfast. Hindi na ba talaga mababalik ang mga yon?

Come back now, please. Who will kiss me on the forehead every morning and hug me tightly? Who will wipe my tears now that you're not here? Iiwan mo na lang ba akong mag isa dito?

I still remember the last words you told me. You promised me, Zac. Why are you not here? Why am I all alone in your house? Why are you making me wait? Why does it have to hurt so much?

I covered my face with my hands. I wiped my tears as I felt the ring on my finger. The promise ring. I'll always wear this. As long as I'm wearing this, I will be assuming that you're with me.

And now I fucking miss you.

Noon came and I was still sitting on the couch, staring blankly at his paintings. I didn't feel hungry and I had no intention of eating, my fingers were shaking but I just ignored it. Every inch of his house felt empty, tears are falling from my eyes again and I couldn't seem to stop it.

I bit my lower lip and sniffed. That's right, Celést. Iiyak mo lang ang lahat ng sakit hanggang wala kanang maiiyak. The pain will be gone, it may be not now but I know it will be gone soon.

I sobbed. Tumayo ako at pumunta sa kusina. It was also clean and it smelled good. I walked and reached the sink, I washed my face and then saw different kinds of knives. I stared blankly into them.

I grabbed one of them and I touched the tip of it. It was very sharp and shiny, I could feel my hands tremble as they hold it.

Hinawakan ko ito ng mabuti. I stared at it for a while and then cut my wrist. My hand was covered with blood but it felt nothing to me. I cut myself again until my blood dripped down on the white floor.

Maraming dugo ang lumabas sa pulsohan ko pero wala akong pake. Ang sahig ay may mga dugo na at ang mga paa ko ay nanginginig.

Tinutok ko ang kutsilyo sa tiyan ko pero hindi ko magawang itusok iyon. I heard someone's voice but I suddenly dropped the knife and fell.

I felt weak and I saw Wena's face, she was crying and checking me up. She wrapped a cloth around my wrist to stop the bleeding, I only stared at her without saying something.

This time, I wanted to rest. Even though I didn't feel anything on my bleeding wrist, my heart was aching badly. Mas masakit pa rin ang mga nangyare. Mabilis at hindi kapani paniwala.

I closed my eyes.