Comforting Chris through a breakdown was certainly something I wouldn't have expected to witness. And as comforting as it was for me to see him trusting me and himself enough to let go of the pieces he was so desperately holding onto despite the bleeding wounds... it shattered my heart that he viewed himself so low. The lack of self-confidence. The amount of self-loathing. He held the fate of life and death on days when he wanted to do nothing more than curl up in bed. Seeing, hearing and witnessing crimes repeatedly wears you out. I knew that. Unless you mentally detached yourself, it killed you quicker than any blade wound. This was the only way to survive in these environments... yet again... everyone had a breaking point. Even the most trained and resilient person runs the risk of collapsing at their breaking point. Giving in. This was why ex-members of the White Pearl chose to take their own life before crossing their limit.
When I looked over from the passenger seat, I watched Chris driving through the streets of A.C.C. Holding my hand to stop myself from shaking. As if all of this was normal. As if we didn't both cry in each other's arms this morning. As if we aren't on our way to the investigation offices for further hearings. As if I wasn't risking the lives of three people with each step I took. The warm redness rushing through my hands felt tingled and I held onto Chris's hand tighter. He glanced over when he felt the shift. "You're okay?", he asked, his thumb caressing my hand. "Hmmm", I nodded and looked out of the window. Knowing well I was at risk of my body betraying myself when I was around him. But I loved the rush I felt around him. The comfort and peace.
Playing with fire, I wanted to let this all burn as long as possible before I'd be found amongst the ashes.
"Why are you staring at me like that?", he nudged my cheek with his nose. Eyes swollen and red from all the tears he shed. With a smile I leaned in, pressing soft kisses on his eyelids. "Because to me, you're the most beautiful man I've laid my eyes upon...and sadly I've seen too many", I cringed at my own words but the words slipped out before I could stop myself. Chris's chest heaved as he let out a snort. "I don't know if I should blush from the compliment or cry over the other fact", he nipped on my neck before nestling further in the comfort of my hair.
"I'd rather have you turn all mush than shed tears. But I don't mind either", my hand ran between his broad shoulder blades, drawing invisible stars on them.
"How did you feel after the first therapy session with Preston?", his voice sent goosebumps down my back. I shivered lightly. Having him close felt as soothing as water and as dangerous as fire and I hated myself for using it for my peace of mind.
"Hmm," I hummed as I drew another invisible star on his exposed skin, "weird, I think?", I answered. Honestly.
"Why?"
" you see...I was forced into prostitution, there's no denying that. I see that now... it was all we had known back then so I accepted the reality, my reality the way it is. When I grew older I did see the truth through the cracks but there wasn't much room to refuse or change... so I had two choices. I either stay where I was or get out of my comfort zone and work myself up. I was good in sex, and confident even when the person who booked me was okay-ish. With time, my extra work was rewarded and I had fewer but more high-profile clients that became my regulars. Which was again then reduced and as of late, I barely had any other clients. I gained my rank and some freedom that came along with it.
Sex and prostitution are such a terrible combination. They pay you for it, you are an item, not a human. They want to live out their weird fantasies through you. Degrade you even if you don't like it. The new girls or girls with the most common clients often return with bruises... who benefits from all of this? Men. Who is used throughout all of this? Women. Yet again, the Dark Angels have their image outside the White Pearl. That we are good at sex. No one talks about the things we witness throughout our life there"
