the constant pain i have to deal with leading to the burning of alcohol in my stomach. being unable to cope with the intensity of my emotions and drinking away every issue i have because i dont know what else im meant to do. id rather be intoxicated than need to deal with my feelings, which is quite sad when you really think about it. but what else am i meant to do when my feelings cause such intense physical pain that i can't tolerate. i cant deal with such constant agony and need to numb it somehow. i would rather feel the low maintenance pain of alcohol burning in my throat while i chug half a bottle of vodka than the mental distress and hitting myself because of the uncontrollable agony i have to experience.
its easier to manage when im around my friends, but the minute i am alone in my dark, cold bedroom and i dont get that daily goodnight text, its an entire whirlwind of emotions and physical pain caused by those emotions that i cannot handle. i feel like no healthy coping mechanisms work for me. no matter how hard i try and force myself to do the healthy thing, it always leads to the unhealthy option to numb at least 10% of what im feeling. ive always been an addict, i will never stop being an addict. my addiction just changes. one month it'll be cigarettes, and using those to calm my anger. then itd be cutting, to take my anger and pain out on myself because i feel like i deserve it somehow. the next, sleeping pills, so im able to sleep away my issues. then xanax, to numb everything and have it all stop for just a moment. then alcohol, at first that was fun, just with friends, on special occasions. but that was when i was 14, now its mostly used to make me feel like if im depressed at least i have a reason to be depressed since im drunk, rather than having no reason. downing an entire bottle i was supposed to save for a party, to feel semi at peace even for just 1 hour, because i'd rather that hour of being intoxicated, rather than that hour spent screaming, crying, hitting or cutting myself, all because my emotions have control over me.
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Borderline
ПоэзияBorderline is a collection of poems and vent work written by somebody with Borderline Personality Disorder. There is a huge trigger warning as a lot of the poems and vents are very raw and real emotions or experiences that can be triggering to those...
