Borderline

insufferable

i feel good, maybe for a little while, until the depressive episodes come back. until i sit in bed for days on end and binge an entire show in a day. until i dont even have the energy to talk to my partner. its a treacherous cycle i cant seem to escape. im going to need to deal with said cycle the entirety of my life. maybe at times, it'll get better. maybe at times, it'll get worse. but every time i reach my "lowest point" it truly is at the time, until my next episode rolls around and then that was even lower than the last time. i feel bad for those around me who witness this cycle, because it isn't my period, or the seasonal depression, or a breakup or an argument- it's just me. it's the personality disorder i have, it's the trauma i have. i'm never going to outrun it, i'm never going to escape it. when life feels good i feel like i'll never be sad again, but then i am and then nothing feels good, then i can't remember the good parts of my life. it feels like there were never any good parts and i just constantly suffer. when im in those moments, those episodes where im constantly drowning, i cant remember anything but feeling low. it may be the fact i have no emotional permanence or it may be the fact deep down i know im always going to suffer one way or another, and it wont ever be fixable.