The haunting Love: That is Unrequited

Afternoon Chat

Months passed and the same similar routine was in place, tutoring during lunch, tutoring after school, Wednesday choir. Eventually I joined piano lessons just to spend more time with him, of course I had previously taken piano and was just there to continue skill building, but I had my selfish gain as well. Eventually sharing with my best friend Rose how I felt she understood, of course, she didn't have crush like I did and agreed that he was handsome, we still chatted and I had an outlet other than my mother. Rose had Zhang as her physics teacher and eventually as the year went on, she was having troubles and I convinced her to join me in my tutoring time. She had physics on days I didn't have Maths so eventually I would see Zhang every single day of the week except weekends. Our lives were slowly becoming intertwined in my mind, bringing me further delusions. This crush however was no longer a crush. I had fallen deeper than like, deeper than friend, I had fallen in love. The type of love where your face feels hot, where your heart thumps in your ears, deafening you to any sound that isn't theirs- some would call it the honeymoon stage, but... how can one have the honeymoon stage of love when it's one sided and forbidden. I was comfortable with my feelings; I was past feeling nervous around him. I would flirt and joke, he would join in; he would steal my food if I had any- I made sure to bring food I knew he liked just so I could share with him. An inside joke we had was of a carrot. One choir rehearsal, during the break, I had a carrot (because I was going on a 'healthy food cleanse') and was eating it raw, I walked over to the piano where Cassie and some other students were and was crunching. I remember standing out of the group simply listening in when his eyes found mine and he stood to come over and inquire, I could tell from the quizzical look I had definitely gotten his attention. "Why on earth are you eating a carrot raw?"

"Health." I said nonchalant and took another lager bite of carrot maintaining eye contact with him. He chuckled and simply kept watching with the look you would give a puppy chasing its tail. Of course, our brief moment was just that, as the others came over to join in the conversation about my strange snack choices. Small moments like this happened all the time; One tutoring session, during lunch, where half the class stayed back for our upcoming assessment piece, and some students from his physics class also joined-including Rose. He had gone to buy his lunch from the tuckshop and had arrived back promptly (teachers were able to cut the lunch lines), everyone who was there was snacking or eating lunch and I wasn't as, I had forgotten to pack that day; I searched my bag and had found some walnuts from the previous day, but to my dismay they had been crushed under the weight of my school books. Staring sadly in to the bag my attention was captured by the aroma of potato wedges and the soft sound of "did you want some?" I looked up to see Zhang sitting on the desk in front of me, with his hand stretched out holding the Styrofoam package- revealing his lunch. I could feel my fellow classmates staring at this interaction as I'm sure he felt to. "I'm okay! I'll just eat these. Would you like some?" I brightly responded, just to hide my disappointment in not being alone for this moment. I could tell he understood the situation as he swiftly stood and moved to the group of boys behind Rose and I, he ate a potato wedge as he moved and then another- but I could tell when he asked the boys if they wanted some it was to distract away from what we had shared moments ago. He didn't return to help me for the rest of the session but came to help Rose, however we did share secret glances and silent conversation, I knew this communication was 'if you need help, just ask' the care in his eyes conveyed the message so clearly, I simply smiled in response to convey my understanding.

...

My grades were gradually progressing, everything was going well. Besides the fact that I spent my days doing math equations which, while I executed decently, I still had no idea of the concept. It was the last day of the term and my sister had come in with me to collect my trombone I had purposely forgotten, I loved to say goodbye to our music staff, who has also taught Kiya. Little did I realise that Zhang would be in the furthest classroom playing piano, one last time for two weeks. Trombone in hand, I knocked gently on the door which had been locked. The door opened and seeing his face was enough "Hi, whatcha doin'?" I sung, but was stabbed in the back when his gaze left mine and landed on Kiya. "Just getting in some last practice. Come on in." As we entered the room, he left the door open this time and greeted Kiya, smiling at her: leaving me feeling like I was watching from outside the classroom behind glass. I simply let them move ahead as I tried to hide my shame 'you told her to go for it. This is your own creation.' My own thoughts started to drown out all the happiness I had seconds ago, and I was kicking myself for letting her get close to him. I sat myself on a desk next to the piano to have the best spot, and Kiya placed herself on the surrounding computer bench just in the line of his view. We sat and listened to him practice Radioactive by Imagine Dragons, complimenting him afterwards. He brushed them off like a true musician (always room for improvement). I watched as Kiya and Zhang conversed and I could feel my anger bubbling over like water in a pot, settling just before I boiled over. "Have you marked the exams yet?" I asked finally after separating myself mentally from their conversation.
He bowed his head resting them in his hands, "I finished them yesterday!" sucking in a breath, he came out with relief on his face releasing what I knew to be the stress of marking.
I stopped and the silence felt so loud "How badly did I fail?" this time it was my turn to place my face in my hands, too ashamed of the results to even look at him.
"I can't say a definite grade but... you definitely passed!!" His brief pause made my heart stop and I knew I was doomed, until my head shot up, staring at him with wide eyes, and my mouth slightly open. He laughed at my reaction and repeated "You passed. It was one of your best scores, too." I could see my own happiness reflected in his eyes. We continued chatting. This time, I was the one leading the conversation with a new found confidence that I had made Zhang proud. As we went to leave, we all stood outside the music block; I was still buzzing at the news and my smile wouldn't shrink. Kiya slipped into the moment "Shall we take a commemorative selfie?" I knew she was doing this for me, she knew my feelings for him but, I also knew this was for her. Jealously aside, he gladly joined us for the picture and we were on our way.

School holidays dragged on and I spent most days thinking of Zhang; as every person in love does. However, I made a promise to myself that after these holidays, I would not go to him right away. I wouldn't come across as a crazy student who had a crush on her teacher. That was until on Monday morning, Rose asked me to accompany her to ask a question on her holiday physics homework. I resented going after making that promise. She had to physically pick me up and drag me to come along, where she joked about 'I thought you want to see him' following with a wink. I stood and waited as she went in the hallway to call for him. He walked out the door and our eyes met, his smile spreading across his face. It had been two weeks since I'd gotten to see that smile and it always made me smile back, even though inside I was shredding Rose to pieces for dragging me along. I didn't have Maths until Tuesday and she insisted I be there even after concisely explaining my plan to her. I slowly entered the classroom after them both and sat on a desk to show I was just here as moral support and not here for him. He assisted Rose, then turned slightly in his chair, it was probably my imagination but being slightly elevated on the desk rather than the chair, it felt like he was taking his time to meet my eyes. It had only been two weeks, but being back in this classroom with him was like it had been a few hours. Time moves strangely when you're in love, but to him, I was certain, I was just his student.