The haunting Love: That is Unrequited

Eisteddfod

Eisteddfod was going well; my bands were placing and overall, for my final one, it was so much fun. The thrill of performing with others alike was always the best feeling, the adrenaline rush. The way how, in a performance, I somehow perform better than in practice. During the performance there is no audience, it's just a well-oiled machine working in harmony, with the conductor being the centre, the glue. Standing at the end after feeling all the nerves drain from my body, finally looking and acknowledging the audience with my brightest smile feeling genuine joy, that is when I feel accomplished and comfortable. Come Saturday, my final day for the eisteddfod, choir day. Our choir was participating in all sections, this being the most nerve racking. You can't hide faults in your voice, everyone needed to be one, and in perfect harmony. While backstage in the green room, we were practicing together, passing the time with vocal exercises. Zhang wasn't here from the beginning and joined close to the performance time. The first performance, our ensemble had joined another school and we were such a large group, with only a couple of practices together, the certainty of a perfect performance was unclear. As we started the singing, eventually kept speeding up from nerves, I could tell, I tried my hardest to follow the chorister and the music, but realised that Zhang had also sped up and now it was a fight against the nervous energy surrounding me. I tried my best to lag and project my calming harmony to those around me, and by the end of the song it was calmer and more succinct. As we made our way from the stage into the crowd to watch the rest of the performances, I watched as Zhang moved in the row in front to sit with the other students meeting his eye. Though it was dark in the auditorium I could see a tiny smirk on his lips, He gave me a thumbs up which I also returned. It was then I noticed that several other students had done the same thing, making me feel silly and I dropped my hand and head in embarrassment.

...

During the break until the next section begun, we were all outside taking in the fresh air and sunlight, eating to fuel up for the next performance. Zhang was off talking with the Senior boys with his tie undone and vest hanging over his shoulder, although he was wearing formal wear, he, looked so causal and comfortable, like it was made for him. That was when I noticed Mum and Kiya coming out of the auditorium and walking over. I made my way over to them and noticed Kiya's line of sight shift, and I looked over my shoulder to notice that Zhang had followed me to come and greet them.

During Tax Season, Zhang had come to get his tax return done with Mum, and they had gotten closer, and with Kiya also being the receptionist, it was the perfect opportunity for him to shoot his shot "What movies are on at the moment?" later that afternoon Kiya came in with her phone smiling and excited. Zhang had asked her out to the movies... My heart shattered, and when people say broken hearts hurt- they didn't lie. My chest was aching but I put on a fake smile and congratulated her, walking away before I broke down in tears releasing sadness, heartbreak, and anger. I was angry at Kiya for having everything. I knew him first, I knew him better, but enter the older, prettier sister, and everyone's head always turns. I never had anything that was solely mine, everything I had was tainted by the shadow of my siblings. As I silenced my sobs in my pillow that night thinking dark, dreading thoughts, I became angry with Zhang as well. 'Why her? This is why I shouldn't have introduced them. It's my own fault for joking around. My own stupid fault. Of course, he would go the appropriate relationship over the young immature student.' Thoughts like this and even darker, which shall not be repeated, made my body rack with heavier sobs, until I gave up and went to the shower to cover, I had been crying, and to hide my shame. It wasn't Kiya's fault, it was my own, and I had to take responsibility for my actions and words. The jealousy and pain I felt were disgusting, they left my heart being crushed. I knew that Kiya wasn't doing it on purpose but felt like she had complete control over my uncontrollable emotions- like it was her hand around my heart crushing it into pieces.