The Beginning of The End

Chapter Eighteen

You collapsed on the bed next to Mina as the reality of what just happened crashed down on you. Your blissful high clouded by guilt.'That was wrong, so wrong.' You thought. You couldn't believe what just happened, if you weren't still panting trying to catch your breath you'd be convinced that it was all just a dream. You were furious at Mina for demanding that Cordelia stay and watch something like that. However, you were angrier at yourself. You knew that Mina wasn't above doing something so hurtful and possessive... and you knew the safe word but didn't use it to spare Cordelia's feelings. You wanted to make excuses for yourself and say that you just didn't think to use it, but the truth was that you didn't want to use it. By the time Cordelia came in you were gone, so far gone, and so damn close to finally reaching the high you'd been chasing. And you hated yourself for it, but you loved having both of them there. Nothing felt better than being their sole focus. You hated yourself for giving into that sick desire, which was probably only fueled by your inability to choose between the two women. 

You fucked up. Cordelia's eyes in that moment gave away so much. Lust, hurt, betrayal. In the moment you chose to focus on that first emotion and ignore the other two. 'What the fuck is wrong with me!?' you thought. That was terrible, you were terrible for putting your own needs above Cordelia's comfort and feelings. 

'How could she ever forgive me?' you felt sick thinking this stupid mistake took her away from you. You never intended to sleep with Mina, and you certainly didn't want her to walk in in the middle of it... but you did want her to stay once she was there... did that make you a bad person? 'Of course it does!' your mind screamed. 

You didn't really feel guilty for being intimate with Mina because she was the one you were in a relationship with... in this life... technically? Either way as of right now you hadn't made a choice. But it was clear that a conversation needed to be had. All of this needed to be cleared up. You needed to be honest and tell them both that you needed time to figure everything out and then after you were finished regaining your memories you'd decide. You felt like such an asshole stringing both of them along like that, but it'd only be for a few days, and you couldn't exactly decide without knowing everything. And you certainly couldn't deny either of them.

If you had to choose now, as in if they both forced you to... you'd choose Mina. But you didn't feel good about that. Not that you didn't feel good about your relationship with Mina, it was just that she was the obvious choice because you had so much history with her. But arguably you had more with Cordelia you just weren't aware of it all yet, that's why you couldn't decide yet... or at least you'd do everything in your power not to.

 You just wanted everything to be normal. No more snippy comments, no more of them fighting for your affections. You just wanted to relax and spend time with each of them without having to play mediator. You knew it was a lot to ask... especially for Mina because she had a short temper, but you'd hope that they would try for you. 

But first you need to apologize and pray that Cordelia would forgive you. 

............. 

Cordelia avoided you all day. She tried not to make it obvious, but she only came out of 'your' room a few times and each time she spoke as little as possible to you. She even said that she couldn't unbind your magic today because she needed a book from the coven. So, she left. 

You practically sat by the door waiting and hoping that she was coming back... which Mina definitely didn't like. Mina was determined to monopolize on her time alone with you. She tried being sweet and making you dinner, but you just weren't feeling it. 

You'd had a brief talk with her about how you never wanted something like that to happen again and that if you did get caught in the act than she was to stop. She apologized and seemed genuinely remorseful, double checking to see that you remembered the safe word. She sheepishly asked you if you felt that you couldn't use the safe word, seemingly scared of the answer. You understood because if she did make you feel that way it wouldn't just be a single problem; The foundation of your relationship would be shaken. Trust was key, especially in the type of play you often engaged in with her. You had to trust that she'd not only stop when you said the safe word but also that there would be no consequence to using it. And she needed to trust that you would use it if you were feeling overwhelmed, unsafe, or just wanted to stop. You reassured her but she still went out of her way doing little things for you as an apology. Mina love language was definitely acts of service.