Of Fake Smiles and Broken Hearts

sixteen

It's raining today.

Kyungsoo never liked the rainy season. He didn't like the way he was stuck in their house whenever there was a thunderstorm. He didn't like spending hours inside the public library to wait for the rain to stop. He didn't like the coldness of the weather. He didn't like the beads of rain dripping down his window as he tries to write his essay when he was still in college. So, when he was walking on his way to the grocery store, he can't help but grimace when something cold and wet drops down on his cheeks. He looks up and another falls again, landing on his nose and down his lush lips.

The people around him scatter like ants, scrambling to get their umbrellas and jackets out. Others run to different stores. But Kyungsoo didn't care anymore. Nothing seems to make any sense this past few days. His mind is always elsewhere, drifting of to both nothing and everything at the same time. Now he understands why people in dramas walk under the rain—or so he thinks, anyway. There's a certain calmness when you're walking under the rain. It's almost as if all his problems are washed away.

People looks at him weirdly as he passes by, trying to avoid puddles of water besides the fact that his shoes are already drenched. His red hair was damp when he arrives to the supermarket. The guard only gave him a pitiful look before letting him in despite the weird looks given to him by other staffs.

He proceeds to buy the usual things for the fourth time this week. The store clerk always looks at him from the side, attending to his needs. But today, the man looks at him almost sadly. Kyungsoo picks up an apple, turning it in his hands before placing the red fruit on the basket. One apple. An orange juice. Three instant ramen. A bottle of water.

It's always the same thing.

The cashier simply looks at his appearance before scanning the barcodes. She's used by seeing Kyungsoo by now. They were confused at first, thinking why a successful business man is doing his groceries even if he's so busy. Maybe they find it weird that Kyungsoo's hair is wet. Maybe they're wondering why he comes to the store every day only to buy the same things. She announces the overall cost and Kyungsoo gave his credit card and she took it without a word, completely used to the drill by now.

The moment she gave his credit card back, he thought that she was going to ask the question. Kyungsoo knows that she's as weirded out as the other employees. She's probably in her late 30s. He grabs his groceries and turns to leave when she calls out a simple 'wait'. Kyungsoo looks back, eyes unfocused like everything around him doesn't make sense. The woman walks over to him and wraps a white scarf around his neck, startling the younger. She smiles warmly. The price tag is still attached to it, Kyungsoo thinks when his neck started itching. He lightly tugs at the scarf.

"It's yours for free. Don't worry, it's brand new." She says.

"Uh, may I ask why? I appreciate the gesture but I don't think this is necessary." Kyungsoo replies, eyes narrowing at her small figure. Her back is slightly hunched, wrinkles are prominent on her forehead. But the glint in her eyes is something that Kyungsoo couldn't explain. The woman shakes her head.

"I take it that you've been through a lot, yes?"

"H-How? What?"

"Make sure to change your clothes when you get home. It's cold out." She says before returning to her place.

Jongdae asked him why he buys the same groceries everytime. He probably noticed his routine. He had always answered that it was for his friend who is in the hospital. But when Jongdae asks again when he sees Kyungsoo walking out of the store, his answer was different.

"Why don't you just buy a week worth of those instead of going here every day for the same items? I know that you're doing this for him but—"

"It's a lot easier for me to wake up and go somewhere where I can feel as if today is just a normal day. As if no one I care about is in the hospital, as if everything is okay. I do these things every day to feel normal, to know what to do next. Because if I stop, I'm afraid that I'll remember everything again. I'm afraid that I wouldn't know what to do next." Kyungsoo ran a hand through his soft red locks, fingers brushing over the shaved sides unconsciously. He licks his bottom lip and looks up to see Jongdae staring at him.

"Think about yourself, too. There's nothing wrong with that." Jongdae's mouth curved up. He wasn't exactly smiling-nor frowning at him. The gesture is warm and simple, as expected from Jongdae. Kyungsoo gives him a warm smile in return, clutching the paper bag in his arms tightly.

"You should call him." Jongdae says, eyes searching Kyungsoo's for any signs of emotion. But the redhead only stares at him, just like how he stared at everyone these days. It's not cold, not hurt.

It's nothing.

His stare is blank, with his lips tightly forming a straight line. "Call who?"

"Call Jongin and tell him what's happening. Tell him that Hyunsik got into an accident."

Maybe that explains the empty feeling in his chest. It's maybe because of him. There's something in the back of Kyungsoo's head every time. He couldn't understand it. It's as if he had forgotten about something but can't distinguish what is really is, too busy with what's happening around him to even care. His chest suddenly aches at the thought. He's the void.

He forgot about Jongin.