Of Fake Smiles and Broken Hearts

thirty

THREE AND A HALF YEARS LATER

"Hi everyone," He starts, voice turning softer as he speaks. His best friend places a hand on his shoulder and smiles at him reassuringly. He nods at the gesture and takes a deep breath, smiling at the people around him. He takes in everyone's appearance and bit the insides of his cheeks. He fumbles with his fingers, something he does unconsciously when he's nervous. It keeps on happening to him every time they go to these sessions even after years of opening up to groups of people. "I—I'm a pre-school teacher currently busying myself in taking care of my two-year old son."

Everyone nods at his words with a smile, clapping and even reaching out for a friendly handshake. It's different from what he thought three years ago. He had been to this weekly group therapy where he gets to open up to other patients and discuss matters and opinions with each other for as long as he could remember. Junmyeon once told him that there wasn't an actual time frame of how long a patient with PTSD recovers. It might take years, much like in his best friend's case. It's a process of letting go of the past and the pain that came along with it that takes place within you. The willingness of a patient is a huge factor to the recovery. It helps you gain self-confidence and self-respect. He had been going to group therapies for a year, but then he stopped—resulting for it to get worse. The nightmares, anxiety, flashbacks—it all came back. So, for the past two years, he agreed to go with his best friend who's in the same journey as him. It's for his friends and family.

It's for his son, Asher.

"I stuttered a lot and it's not even my first time. I'm terrible at this."

"Hey," Baekhyun puts his hand on top of his right thigh, making the redhead look at him with his eyebrows raised. But the latter promptly ignored him. His best friend had previously dyed his hair to grey or silver—maybe somewhere in between. "You might be terrible at holding decent conversations, but you're great at being you."

"That is so gross." He rolls his eyes at him but laughs anyway. Baekhyun laughs with him, giving his thigh a little pat before the corners of his lips turns up. "Goddamn, these thighs."

Kyungsoo throws him a look of disapproval and slaps his hand away. "Are you seriously hitting on me? I can't believe you. You have Chanyeol!"

"That doesn't make you look less hot, though." His best friend replies. The younger male drops his head with a sigh and covers his face with his hands, trying to drown Baekhyun's laughter in the background.

Baekhyun nudges his elbow and smiles at him cheekily. "I'm not kidding. You did great, Kyungsoo."

Every day, Jongin's words rings into his ears, reminding him to keep moving; reminding him to be better. Kyungsoo had always thought to himself if Jongin still remembers him. There's a huge possibility that the younger male had forgotten all about him. It has been three years; three years without so much of a communication to each other. It's like they completely disappeared from each other's worlds that night; like a puff of smoke dissolving into thin air.

It's weird how he wakes up every morning feeling terrified. He might see Jongin in the supermarket today. Maybe they would meet each other while he's on his way to work. There are a lot of things to consider and he couldn't help but feel excited. He couldn't wait to see him; couldn't wait to hold his hand. Kyungsoo wanted to kiss him again. But more than anything, he was scared.  

Oblivion—it was what he feared; to be forgotten completely.

There's always a chance that Jongin might have someone else. Maybe he got tired of nursing Kyungsoo's wounds. Maybe he didn't have any plans of coming back at all. Still, he couldn't help but feel the tremor of his hands when he turns on a corner, expecting to see someone he waited for so long. There's a lot of disappointment and what ifs. But there's also his love for Jongin. A bubble of laugh rises up in his throat, eyes crinkling into crescent moons. There's always a reason to smile. There's always a reason to keep going; to never give up and to keep on fighting. Just hold on. Hold on, please?

For Jongin.