Of Fake Smiles and Broken Hearts

plus three

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iii. been through

Billows of smoke danced in the sky like graceful ballerinas twirling on the tip of their toes. He watches as it disappears into the wind and stares at the sky above him. There are two bottles of beer to his right, neither of which were opened. He puts the cigarette up to his lips and takes a long drag when he hears footsteps behind him. The cold air hugs his cheeks and snakes its way up inside his clothes like a hand was leaving a cold trail on his skin. He hisses at the cold and exhales when someone sat to his right.

He hears the bottle pop open after a minute and he twists his head to look at his side where Jongin sat. His hand curling around the bottle as he stares straight ahead. It was almost four in the morning so the streets were still empty. They were sitting outside of their old house. It was a half an hour drive from where they lived now. Kyungsoo notices how the grass was still kept neatly even after they moved out. He thought no one would even bother.

"This is where you go every night?" says Jongin after a while and Kyungsoo exhales smoke out of his nose before looking at him.

"I'm sorry," Kyungsoo says. He drops the cigarette on the pavement and steps on it. Jongin watches silently, his lips pressed into a thin line. "For hurting you. For everything."

Kyungsoo looks away with a conflicted look on his face. He knew they would talk about it eventually—the scars on his arms and the look on Jongin's face whenever he talks negatively about himself. He knew. He knew about the hurried whispers and concerned looks his friends would share whenever he'd get lost in his thoughts. He knew that they looked at him like he was about to self-destruct at any moment. He knew that Jongin always watched over him as if he's afraid that he'd lose him again to something he cannot defeat because the only person he loves is also the person he's so afraid of.

"I leave every night to gather my thoughts," explains Kyungsoo. He ran his hand over his head as he talks. "I didn't, couldn't, let you get tangled up in my mess."

"But, I want to, Kyungsoo. I want to be a part of every goddamn mess in your life." Jongin says suddenly and it is that moment that Kyungsoo only took a good look at his face; his red, puffy eyes and the dried tears on his cheeks that only pierced his heart. It was because of him. The pain Jongin felt, the fear in his heart, it was all his doing. "Don't you trust me?"

"I do," says Kyungsoo. His eyebrows are drawn together and he has never felt more frustrated in his life because he does trust him. But, he wanted to trust himself, too. That's why he kept sneaking out at midnight when he thought Jongin was asleep and comes back by four in the morning to climb in bed and kiss Jongin's forehead because every night he learns to forgive himself little by little.