Of Fake Smiles and Broken Hearts

thirty one

"If you ever think you're worthless, stop it. You deserve everything in the world." He holds his hand, squeezing it softly. The man broke into choked sobs, tears streaming down his cheeks continuously. His nose flares from crying—jaw and temples ache as he does. The back of his head feels heavy and he feels the need to lie down and sleep; to drown the world's hushed whispers of hate and put it all behind him.

"Don't you ever think how the powerful man in the sky feels whenever you think low of yourself? Do you ever think how sad he is while he watches you question your existence?" He breathes through his mouth desperately as he catches his breath. His chest hurts so much. Everything hurts. He just wants all of it to stop. "You are so brave. So, so brave to be able to have the strength to wake up every day despite everything you've been through."

It's making him mad. Others might probably not know how hard it is for people to find a reason to keep going on with life. They might not know how hard it is to see everything in black and white; to be able to see everything in dull colors—like it doesn't get any better with that. Never was and never will. "Always remember that you're special and that you're loved."

"Jongin—"

In that moment when he blinked, he didn't see a stranger that he was nursing earlier but instead sees a broken man. He was wearing a black shirt and dark jeans; looking as if he hadn't aged at all. His red hair falls on his forehead and on his eyebrows, once pale skin turned quite dark—but not like his own. Jongin was still holding his hand from earlier and he feels the warmth coming from the elder male.

"Hyung." Jongin breathes, looking at their intertwined fingers. Kyungsoo gives him a gentle smile, one that Jongin loved so much. He looks so beautiful—like he found his self again. But when Jongin's eyes drifts down to his chest, that's when he felt the twinge in his heart. That's when he made his first mistake.

That's when he sees the dark stain on Kyungsoo's upper left chest almost looking like he was bleeding.

"Hyung, you're—you're bleeding!" Jongin suddenly yells and he steps back unconsciously, eyes widening at the sight in front of him. Kyungsoo's eyes suddenly turned dark. It's like when a drop of blood falls into a small puddle of water and the colors flows completely, turning the water into the color red. His eyes—his eyes were black like a black hole. He didn't have a sclera or the white part of the eye anymore but darkness. Jongin stares as the older male collapses in front of him, falling limp and lying down on the floor beneath him.

Crimson red soaked his shirt, making it look darker than it was. Yet Kyungsoo didn't say anything. He didn't scream; didn't cry nor ask for help. He only stared up at the younger male who was looking back at him. Jongin looks around and tries to call for help, but the scream was lodged in his throat. No one was there to help. Everything was dark, so impossibly dark that he wanted to throw up. He was vanishing in front of him; as if his feet turned into black puffs of smoke and slowly taking him away from Jongin's vision. Kyungsoo looks up at him and Jongin only realizes how scared he was. He looked like he was dead, with nothing but black holes as his eyes. Jongin wanted to look away; he wanted to run away from the elder male because he couldn't—he didn't want to see him like this. But he couldn't tear his gaze away, no matter how hard he tries.

The corners of Kyungsoo's lips turn up in a sinister smile and his black eyes seem to pierce through Jongin's soul. "Would you still love me even if I'm broken?"

Jongin screams.

Always.

-

"You're here." Taemin says, grinning playfully at the male in front of him. He looks over his shoulders and signals a student to pause the music. He hollers something about taking a quick break before approaching the younger male, grabbing a towel and wiping the beads of sweat that had gathered on his forehead and neck. "You're a terrible dance instructor. Did you wake up late again?"

I dreamt of Kyungsoo.

The younger male drops his duffel bag on the floor hastily and sighs, taking his best friend's water bottle from the couch. He uncaps the bottle and raises the tip up to his lips, ignoring the whines and protests of the other as he downs the cool liquid. "I had three hours today. Did someone cover for me?"

Taemin glares at him before snatching the bottle away, cradling it up to his chest. "Hyoyeon did. Also, Jinki came by to feast on the chicken wings I intended to save for you in case you show up to work. Sooyoung wants to talk to you, too. But you're avoiding my question. Why were you late this morning?"

Kyungsoo died in my dreams.

He frowns. "I had a bad dream. Am I in trouble?"

"I'm not sure. What have you been up to? Don't tell me you're still planning on going to the—" He narrows his eyes on the younger male before shaking his head. Taemin pinches the bridge of his nose and takes deep breaths to control his temper. "Are you seriously planning to go without even telling me?"

"I was going to tell you eventually."

"Why are you even going back, Jongin?" He asks, looking disappointed. "Are you going back to see him again? I don't get it. Didn't he tell you to go?"

Jongin doesn't look at him and Taemin promptly gives him a look of disapproval when the door opens midway. Yoona pokes her head inside, looking at the both of them with a wide grin. Her long blonde hair falls on her face as she walks towards Jongin. "A guy named Baekhyun called earlier asking for you."

"He knows where I am? What did he say?" He asks. Yoona clicks her tongue and reaches behind her pocket, showing a bright yellow note pad. She flips through the pages and hands it to the younger male. Jongin took it reluctantly. There are small words scribbled underneath.

Your flight leaves tomorrow. See you there.