Of Fake Smiles and Broken Hearts

twenty one

Baekhyun sees it.

He sees how Kyungsoo would stare at the floor like he wanted nothing but for the ground to open and suck him in. He sees how Kyungsoo would close his eyes tightly and opening them as soon as he notices what he had done, like closing your eyes was forbidden. It's like he didn't want to close them for too long because he might not ever open them again—like he was afraid that if he sleeps, he'll never wake up again.

Kyungsoo has dark bags under his eyes. It is barely noticeable if you don't look at him closely. Baekhyun notices how dark his eyes look. Maybe he only noticed it today. Maybe nothing changed. Maybe his eyes were that dark and alluring and Baekhyun just didn't look too long to notice. Kyungsoo's eyes are something he was insecure of. But Hyunsik always told him that they're pretty.

Just like the rest of him.

Kyungsoo had turned beet red that day and he could only laugh at his friend. But it was true. His eyes are beautiful. When they're staring up at you as you talk about how your day went, whenever Kyungsoo looks at him at the moment he realized that he had done something bad and there is a glint in his eyes that couldn't be mistaken as he traps Baekhyun's head with his arms jokingly. Kyungsoo's eyes are full of emotions. That's what he liked the most.

Chanyeol had looked at him weirdly that night when he told him that Kyungsoo's eyes were somehow different. As the lawyer looks up from his book, blonde locks falling gracefully on his forehead, he looks at his boyfriend and quirks an inquisitive eyebrow. He had laughed and nudged Baekhyun's arm softly, telling him that he had a weird habit of looking into people's eyes.

It isn't weird, Baekhyun wanted to say. But instead he smiled and nodded. He didn't want Chanyeol to worry about him too. He wanted to say that people's eyes are the portal to their heart, a reflection of their soul. But now, Kyungsoo's eyes are devoid of any emotions. Baekhyun couldn't exactly say that this is the first time that it happened because in the past, Kyungsoo had sometimes looked like someone who lost his identity.

Like he wasn't Kyungsoo.

The exact word is on the tip of his tongue. It's there, but his mind can't easily grasp the information yet. Baekhyun taps his pen on the table, staring at his friend from across the table that had his mouth shut all the way to the hospital. He was sitting on the plastic chair beside Hyunsik's hospital bed, watching the rise and falling of his chest like he was afraid that Hyunsik might not do it on his own. The word click on his tongue and Baekhyun remembers what it was.

Lost, Kyungsoo is lost.

Hyunsik woke up two days ago. But he couldn't talk or maybe he didn't want to talk. On some days, he would just smile at them as they enter the dull room and turns his attention back to the television where a drama was playing. Baekhyun realized how fucked up their lives had been. Hyunsik was asleep throughout the whole afternoon, only having to wake up when it was time for the drama he was constantly watching as Baekhyun peels him an apple. The brunette was halway out the room when Hyunsik says Kyungsoo's name. It almost seemed like a whisper, but they heard him.

"Hyunsik?" Kyungsoo says, wide eyes as he looks at Hyunsik's hand still gripping the hem of his shirt. Baekhyun meets his haze and nods, taking it as a cue to leave. As soon as the door clicked shut, he let go and the redhead stood beside his bed.

"Do you.." Hyunsik licks his lips to moisten them. His voice sounds like desperate wheezing, as if speaking took most of his energy. "Do you have to go?"

"I could stay if you don't want to be alone." Kyungsoo answers, sighing softly.

"W-Would you stay even if I didn't ask?" He asks again and Kyungsoo just noticed how tired he looks. "Or will you go back to him?"

He isn't sure what Hyunsik was talking about. He might be wrong to think that he was talking about Jongin. But it isn't far from the truth anyway. "Who?"

"Jongin." Hyunsik sounded desperate. He held Kyungsoo's hand and he lets him. His hand was cold and it scared Kyungsoo more than anything. Hyunsik closed his eyes and lets out a long drawn sigh before looking at him again. "Do you love him?"

The question is abrupt and maybe it shook him as soon as the words fell out of Hyunsik's lips. He opens his mouth to reply but when he does, he didn't know what to say. A dreadful feeling settles in his stomach. But after a few tries the answer came, almost as if it was dying to be free. "Yes."

Hyunsik lets go of his hand, nodding slowly, accepting defeat. "You can go now."

"I wouldn't mind staying here with you." Kyungsoo says.

"No, it's okay." Hyunsik looks at him. "Please talk to him. Tell him everything. Tell him how you feel. Tell him what happened during high school. Tell him how much it hurts. Tell him before it's too late."

"You don't have to stress yourself by thinking about my problems, Hyunsik. You have to rest. Besides, the problem has been taken care of." He pulls the blanket up to his chest but Hyunsik stops him by holding his hand.

"Divorce papers," He chokes out. "I heard Chanyeol talking about it the other day. Kyungsoo that isn't going to resolve everything. You're literally signing up for your own death. Talk to him, okay?"

"Okay." He whispers and Hyunsik pulls him in for a hug. Hyunsik was crying and his tears have damped his shoulder blades. He kept on apologizing like he had done a terrible crime. Kyugsoo closes his eyes and as he does, he pictures the cuts on his forearm like a nightmare haunting him even as he's awake. He remembers Tao and Baekhyun who had probably sent him dozens of text messages despite knowing full well what his schedules are. He remembers Jongdae and his prominent cheekbones, the way his eyes crinkle as he laughs. He remembers about Luhan who kept on asking where he is even after seeing each other at the office a few hours ago. He sees Sehun laughing like a child and looking at him with wide eyes as he makes his favorite meal. He remembers everyone that had been so worried about him yet all he does is to ignore them and only nurtures his own pain. Kyungsoo remembers the cut on his arm and how the red liquid dripped down his elbows and to the floor, coloring the puddles of water pink.

"I'm so sorry." Kyungsoo whispers.

But I won't stop.