13 Reasons Why [Louis Tomlinson]

Zayn

If you received this letter it means that I'm already gone. It means that you're one of the reasons why....

I sit down on the floor, looking around the room. Everything reminds me of him. His books, his phone, his photographs glued to a wall just above the bed. He probably looked at them before going to sleep. The room even smells like him. How weird is that? It's been a week and the room is still smelling like him.

I feel my chin shaking and tears filling my eyes.

It's my fault that he did it. It's my fault that he's gone. It's my fault!

I killed my brother.

**********************************

*WEEK EARLIER* (November 1th)

“Hello there gay boy” I laughed, walking to Louis' locker. He rolled his eyes, packing his books to his backpack.

“What do you want Zayn?” He asked coldly, not even looking at me. I didn't like that. I didn't like the way he spoke to me. But I tried to remain calm.

“Not a nice way to talk to your big brother” I said, raising my eyebrows. It was a warning, and he knew that. But he decided to tease the lion anyway.

“First of all, you're just a week older. And secondly, half-brother” He said, shaking his head. He closed his locker's door and finally looked at me. I could see he thinks his better than me. He always looked at me this way. Like I was nothing. I suppose he was just jealous that our father loved me more than him. “Where are your friends? They left you alone? Poor boy”

“Shut up you little shit. At least I've got friends. No one wants to talk to you” I said and he took a step back, looking down. Ha! I hit the sensitive spot. Good, he should suffer. He should know who is the best in our family.

“Fuck off” He mumbled with a weak voice. Yes! I won this. I could see tears forming in his eyes.

“And where is your girlfriend, huh? Last time I saw her she was leaving my bed” I smirked and he pushed me. I, of course, pushed him right back and we started fighting. He hit me once, but I hit him about 30. (well, okay, 5 tops, but I can't admit that, I don't want people to think I'm a pussy)

We were separated by my friends. Good for him, otherwise he'd lose some teeth.

“Hey there gay boy” I heard Niall whispering into Louis' ear. Louis tried to escape his embrace, but Niall was too strong. After all, we were both in football team, so we had to be strong. Niall looked at me and I smirked.

“Okay, let me go” I said to my friend Tayler and he let go of me. I smirked and walked to Louis, then hit him in a stomach. Just once. But it was strong enough for him to slid out of Niall's arms and fall on the floor.

“What's going on here?” I turned around to see Mrs. Jonson, out English teacher going towards us.
“Nothing. My brother doesn't feel well and we were trying to help him” I replied with the sweetest smile I could pull. She watched me and my friends for a moment, then nodded softly and walked away. I'm not sure if she believed me, but who cares? She's gone, isn't she?

I tuned back around to look at my, who was curled up on the floor. “Lets go lads, we have a party in an hour” I said, walking past him and going towards the exit with my friends.

“See you in hell, brother” Louis shouted and I laughed. I wanted to reply something, but I thought it's simply not worth it. Me and other lads walked out, laughing loudly and having a good time.

That was the last time I saw him alive.

After that I've gone to a party, came back home the next day. That's when they told me he was dead. I couldn't believe it at first, but now...

***********************************

I can't stand anymore, I collapse on my knees, sobbing.

If I only knew what he was planning to do. I could've stop him. I'd do anything to stop him.

I was just so proud, I wanted to make him suffer. And why? I don't even know. That's what older brothers do, don't they? Tease with younger siblings.

The truth was, we never liked each other. We never really talked. Our mothers hated each other, so we did too. And after his mother died, he moved in to our house.

I tried to be nice for him at first, but then I couldn't stand him. He was going around my house like it was his own, and it wasn't!

It was mine, and he shouldn't even be here.

Now when I think about all those things I did and thought. I was so fucking stupid.

Tears are streaming down my face, but I'm not trying to stop it. I don't even want to stop it. I deserve this. I deserve to suffer.

My brother killed himself, because I was a spoilt child, and I didn't want him around.

Now I'd do everything to bring him back.

But it's too late.

He's gone.

Forever.

“””””””””””""”””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””””

Dear Zayn,
I was wondering what to say to you for a while. Because... what could I say?
I have so many questions, that I'll never get an answer to. For example: Why did you do that? Why were you harassing me everyday at school? And after school? And at home?
What have I ever done to you?
You have everything. Bigger room, better phone, better clothes. Your mother is alive. And our father... it was always obvious that he loves you more than he'd ever love me.
So what else did you want? My girlfriend? You took that away from me as well. But you didn't stop bullying me. Was seeing me suffer every single day so important to you?
Did it make you feel better than me? Did you really need that to feel better than me?
I wish I knew all those things. But now it's to late. I'll never know....
But you do. I want you to sit down and think about stuff you did to me. I want you to think was it worth it. Was all those moments worth losing your brother? Or maybe you don't give a fuck about me? Maybe you read this thinking “God, he was so pitiful. I'm glad he's gone”
Either way... Do you remember the last thing I said to you? You laughed about it with your friends, didn't you?
Is it still funny?