13 Reasons Why [Louis Tomlinson]

Emily

If you received this letter it means that I'm already gone. It means that you're one of the reasons why....


How could he do this to me? I don't even know how many times he told me to hold on, to smile, to try and live. And now... now he's dead. He killed himself. 

I shouldn't blame him, I know how it feels when you are just sick of everything and you want to close your eyes and never open them again. But he... he was always so cheerful and he was trying to be the best he could be around me. It's sad to realize it was all just an act.

I look up at my brother. He just got up off the table and walked to a window. He probably got one too. The bloody letter. I'm not mad or jealous that Louis wrote one to him too, but... why would he do that? It's already sad that he's gone, he didn't have to make my brother feel worse about it.

Or maybe he made it feel better? Maybe he put some old pictures into the envelope or said something nice to him, saying he should not be missed and that he's happy...

I sigh, when Elena gets up too and walks to Damon, with tears in her eyes, cuddling to him. I never liked her, and I'm pretty sure she was the reason why Damon couldn't help Louis.

I hate him for leaving me, but I understand.

*************************************************


*50 days later* (September 20th)

“Why would you even do this?” I heard Louis' voice. It was weak and harsh. He's been crying and that actually broke my heart. I didn't mean to hurt him like that.

I opened my eyes slightly, blinded by the bright white lights at first, but I blinked few times and it got better. I looked down to see Louis sitting on a chair next to my hospital bed, holding my hand. I couldn't feel it. I couldn't really move my fingers. The next thing I noticed was a bandage on my wrist. There was still some blood on it. I winced and looked away.

“Are you awake?” Louis asked and immediately got up, to look at my face. I've noticed that his eyes were red and puffy and he had bags under his eyes. He had to cry a lot. Probably haven't even slept since I got here. God, it made me feel even worse than before.

“Shhhh” I replied, frowning softly. My throat was really sore and he seemed to notice that, because he quickly gave me a glass of water and helped me drink out of it, since my arms were tied to the bed. I swallowed few sips of water and sighed with relieve. That felt much better. “Please, don't tell anyone”

“That you've woken up or that you tried to kill yourself? Because a lot of people already know about the second one” Louis replied, and he seemed to be a bit mad. He had a right to, but I was hoping to avoid it. Mostly by not waking up at all.

“I'm sorry” I mumbled, before closing my eyes again. I was so tired. Probably because I've lost a lot of blood. I sighed and just listened to people passing my room and talking to each other, but that soft and quiet sound was broken by Louis again.

“I mean, why... why would you even do that?” He said and I could hear in his voice that he was almost crying. He must've been really hurt “did you think about me at least for a second? How I'd feel if I lost you? You know how much I care about you, you know how much I love you, how could you do this to me? And to Damon and your parents and just...” He stopped and I opened my eyes to look at him.

He was sitting on a chair next to my hospital bed with his hands on his face and fingers softly pulling on his hair. I wanted to touch him, to make him feel better, but I couldn't move my hand so all I could do was talk.

“Louis, please...” I whispered and cleared my throat. What was I suppose to say. I already said that I'm sorry. There was nothing more to say in this situation.

“No, no... I'm sorry. I should help you get better now, not make you feel like shit” He replied and looked up at me, giving me a small smile “Just promise me you won't try doing that again, okay?” He asked and I nodded. I wasn't sure if I'm going to keep that promise, but I was sure I wanted to try.

And I knew he'd help. He's such a sweet guy, he'd do everything for the people he loves.

******************************************

I feel awful, I should have noticed something. He was always full of life, happy, no one'd ever think that he wanted to kill himself.

Including me.

Last time we've seen each other I've noticed something was wrong, but I didn't say a word.

I just didn't think that someone like him could ever think about ending his life.

I should've asked him about what was going on.

But I didn't.

And now he's gone, because I was too scared to ask one simple question.

“Is everything okay?”

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Dear Emily,
Please don't think about me as a selfish, hypocrite. I've been telling you how killing yourself is wrong and how you shouldn't do it, and look at me now. I'm writing a suicide letter.
I'm sorry, everything is just... too much. Zayn, my dad... everyone and everything. I still have you, but we both know that you can't help. You'd just yell at me, tell me I'm stupid that I even think about killing myself....
You've changed.
I'm actually proud of you. Since the day you got out of the hospital you really tried to live, tried to enjoy it. And I hope you still will. I know it's hard now, especially when I'm gone, but be strong. Please don't just give up because I'm too weak. You've got stronger. You ARE stronger than that.
I'm sorry again for leaving you. Yeah, I apologize a lot, but you out of all the people should understand it. I don't want to hurt anyone, I just want this hell to end.
I've told you many times, and I'd still tell you this, if I was there with you, it's the worst way out. But the only one for me.
I hope I'll see you one day. AFTER you've lived, had husband, kids and grow old, do you understand me young lady?!
I just chuckled. God, I'm about to die and I chuckle. But that's good, I'm happy to finally end it.
I'm sorry for saying this, but I still have a lot of work to do, so I have to be finishing soon.
I love you.
Don't do anything stupid, Damon needs you.
I'm sorry.