A Broken Beginning ✔️ finished

27

Emma  

  In the passing weeks I have truly been trying to get it together. I have slowly reduced my cutting, and I have tried to be slightly more social meaning I hang out mainly with Christian on a regular basis. I strain myself to refrain from negativity, to make him feel as wanted as he has made me feel. I am not saying life is prefect I'm just saying I have pick up my acting skills. I still cry myself to sleep if I sleep or lie awake staring at the wall for hours. Some nights  I  tell Christian I want to talk with him or hangout I am positive he has caught on by now but he plays along he will hold me close and talk tell me stories or whatever comes to mind. We laugh and convers until the early hours of morning then he will drift off to sleep and I will slip out of the room to the shower or anything to wake me up, even if I could fall asleep I fear it. It's funny I used to live for sleep it was the only escape for me but now when I sleep the images are tariffing the flash backs are too much and I don't want to be there anymore I don't want to be stuck in my head trapped by my past and the demons that follow me. I know that Christian cannot save me but he is doing a good job giving me a break from the horror I have been cursed to call my life. Sometimes the sadness becomes too much too unbearable I feel my chest caving in and it's hard to breath. I don't talk about the dark with Christian I know that he knows a lot but I don't want to talk about it any of it with him I attempt to keep our relationship away from my tragic past although it always creeps in.

     Two weeks from today Chads trial starts and they want me to testify witch I am terrified to do.  Jordan will be coming back with her mother tomorrow I am excited to see her again but, Darlene on the other hand  is still furious she is working with Chads Father to drop the charges and with the amount of money he is throwing at them I am sure it's not long until he succeeds. Then I am really in trouble, I know that Christian thinks he can protect me but I'm not so sure. Actually I am sure Chad will find a way to take me down he always has.

 The first time I tried to leave Chad was the only to be honest. It felt like I was small child running away from home, trying to hide from mean parents. That seems a little dramatic but I believe it's an understatement to say the least. I was nineteen and trying to have some sort of relationship with my father he had recently moved nearby and become sober. I saw this as my chance to escape my father after all this time, after the horrible childhood was going to save me to be there for me. Chad did not know where my father lived so I could be save so I thought. I took action one morning after Chad left for a friends, to get high. I knew I only had about an hour,  I snuck over to a neighbors and used their phone not minding the servaliance Chad had set up to catch me if I went outside I was over it I just didn't care anymore. I waited at the corner store for my father I knew I couldn't wait to close to home because, as soon as Chad found out I was gone he wouldn't stop looking until he found me and got me back home under his watchful eye. When I arrived at my dad's it was awkward and he had a new family that I did not no nor did I fit in with but, it was also a great relief I felt free even if only for a few days. It was liberating and empowering I showered and ate without being watched and called a fat ass whore without being told I needed to go throw up every bite I took because it was making me fatter. The peace lasted two days then the relentless phone calls started, I am not sure how chad got all their numbers but he did and the calls wouldn't stop if you didn't answer he would leave hateful messages and call back. I knew I couldn't give in I knew he would most likely kill me and I was strong until, he switched. All of a sudden he was loving and telling me how sorry he was how much he loved me. That he would never hurt me in any way again. The I love you's and the I'm sorrys started to work he started making me feel guilty that I was in the wrong that I was the horrible person in all of this. Chad took every opportunity to remind me of my father's sins his wrong doings against me and in general. The thing about Chad is he can manipulate and situation in to what he wants he can be right in any aspect. On the fourth day my caved I gave Chad the address to my father's my only safe place I just gave it up I have always been such a disappointment even to myself, but the look on my father's face when I said I was going back home is one I will never forget. When I got in Chads car I knew it wasn't going to be pretty, but he smiled and gave me a hug he waved to my dad with a wicked smirk and peeled out. I was terrified, about a mile out he looked towards me and the tears were already rolling down my face.

"What the hell is your fucking fat ass blubbering about?"

I couldn't speak I shook my head and wiped the tears. I had no reason to be crying not yet anyway really.

"You have fun you stupid slut, I know you slept with guys while you were gone you're a fucking whore!"

I stayed quite I didn't know what to say I knew that there was no point to argue with him, Chad is always right and when he gets it in his mind that I have done something there is no changing his mind.  Before I had the chance to react his hand connected with my face. Then another fist went flying in to my chest and I could no longer breathe. The sobs were undeniable now I was hysterical.

"I am sorry Chad, I am so sorry I promise I didn't do anything wrong, I love you please forgive me please. "

" Oh you little tramp you think a little I'm sorry and some tears will make me believe you I always knew you were a little slut I knew you would pull some shit like this. How long have you been fucking him or let me guess it's not just one huh you're a fucking whore!"

He continued to spit at me then another strike to my lip and I knew it was busted the blood began to trail down my chin immediately. We were almost home by now and I could fully comprehend that things were only going to get worse. When we shut the front door I knew I was in for it, by the third hit I was gone I went to my absent place where I could withstand all the torture and not be present a place I knew so well. You know most kids have a happy place well not even only kids everyone probably has there happy place. When I go to my so called happy place its just dark. Its just me wondering how I can survive this, if I will. It is me wishing for a way out and playing my death over and over in my head by now I have my suicide perfected every single step of the way and I even know what life will be like after I am gone, Better, for them. I greet the dark welcomely.