A Broken Beginning ✔️ finished

31

Three months pass.

The day I received the call, I felt my already broken life shatter. I was doing alright. I had a believable front up people had stopped looking at me like I was dying; like I was a fragile helpless freak. The call completely devastated me. I thought I was through being traumatized, to be entirely honest I thought It might finally be my time to be genuinely happy. Christian had been working for weeks in helping me come back to reality, and it was working we were working. I still had issues things weren't perfect I had flashbacks that would send me into a depressed state sometime making bad choices , but then Christian would help me through help me forgive myself, just so you know when you turn to hurting yourself, you often times think everything is in some way your fault so you cut or whatever your method is then you feel bad because you did it. I haven't cut myself in over five days my most recent gashes have scabbed and began to scare. That day that unforeseen day I cut deeper than ever before, over and over and over again. I was with Christian at the time I received the call, getting ready to go somewhere I can't remember  where now but we were doing something normal something normal couples do. He tried to comfort me, but what can you say; what can you do for someone. When something traumatic happens in your life you have to lean to cope with it , you have to learn to let go and forgive some things I have been working on for myself for my own good, but what if you can't. What if I don't want to cope anymore what if I want to go be with him, what if I can't forgive him. I am so angry and miserable that I wasn't there to help, why wasn't I more concerned when he was here I saw something but I was to selfish wallowing in self pity. I feel empty and hallow, I do not want to live. I do not want to live knowing my baby brother is gone and that chad is now free. I know he will kill me if he gets the chance, why shouldn't I beat him to it go out on my own terms. I would be doing the world a favor. My life was a mistake, i shouldn't have ever existed, it is apparent when you look at the big picture. I have been nothing in the last twenty four years but a burden- a punching bag and a sex toy. If God ment to put me here, then there would have been some type of purpose, right? Or does he put people here for everyone else to use and abuse and kick when they are down. Maybe God puts  one person in the world to take all the shit, all the sick twisted perverted shit, maybe God makes one naive little girl to consume all of it so the others don't have to bare witness to how fucked up the world really is.

  Today is the day, today is the day I have decided I am leaving this world , I will take my life the way my brother did. Today I have elected to inject a lethal dose of heroine. I am honestly one hundred percent against drugs, but I am sure my brother left me a sign. This must be the best way to go, I believe that this is the right thing to do. When I look back at my life, my memories are dark when I try to think back to good times I literally fall short and I am not being dramatic. I think that when people hate themselves or you, they will do everything in there power to make sure you know how worthless you are, to make sure you hate yourself just as much as they do. Maybe that is just an excuse I can use that everything that happens in my life that everyone that hurt me that they just hated themselves.