What He Left Behind

4. Ezra

Living with Clarence hadn't been without heated arguments or nights where we didn't want to see each other's faces. It didn't happen as often as people assumed but Clarence and I had our differences.

But the one real argument I had ever had with Clarence was over Cody. When Clary's condition worsened, I begged him to contact his brother—insisted Cody deserved to know and should be able to reach out before it was too late to rekindle their relationship. Cody deserved that choice, and Clary was adamant about shouldering his condition alone.

It was Clary's hubris, his fear of burdening anyone.

"I can't do that," Clary said in our living room a few years ago. "I can't do that to him."

It wasn't a particularly eventful night, but we had broached the subject of his brother after one of Clary's latest health scares. "He deserves to know."

He shook his head. "No. He's done nothing but look after me when we were younger. I can't put this—" He pointed to his chest. "On him as well. As much as I'd love for him to be here, I can't burden him with any of this. From the bills to taking care of me to when I—"

"Don't," I had nearly yelled at him. "Don't say it."

"Ezra."

"I can't think about that," I told him, crossing my arms. "Not now, not next week, month, or year."

"Please, Ez." I hated that tone, that pleading look in his eyes that always sounded more defeated than anything. "He already has a lot on his plate as it is."

"And you don't?"

My stubbornness was what Clary insisted was my hubris—stubbornness with a dash of snapping, especially when I insisted on getting my point across.

He took in another deep breath. He was doing it more often to keep his heart rate low, yet another reason I insisted on him reaching out to Cody. His symptoms were worsening and it was getting to the point that Clary's heart was a ticking time bomb, ready to detonate at any point.

As much as I didn't want another heart scare, Clary needed to see things from my perspective. He needed to see that reaching out and letting people in was okay. It was okay to lean on people for support.

"What would be the point," Clary muttered, bracing himself against the back of the couch. "It would cause him more worry and grief. He's had a lifetime of it already."

"And keeping him in the dark is better? He'll regret and loathe not connecting with you. I might not know him, but I could guarantee that if I were in his shoes, I'd want to know. I'd want to be by my brother's side, doing everything possible to spend whatever time I had left with him. Being a burden wouldn't even cross my mind, Clary."

Clarence's Adam's apple bobbed. "And if he didn't want to be here? He left for a reason."

My jaw clenched. While I didn't know all the details, I knew enough. "He left to escape your homophobic grandpa. He went to college to escape that, not you."

"We—I don't know that for certain. It could've been multiple reasons."

"Do you think he doesn't love you? Is that what it is? You're scared that he won't care that his baby brother is—" I couldn't say it. "You think he hates you?"

"No—"

"Because there's no way that he doesn't love you."

Clarence shook his head. "I just don't want him to deal with this."

"I—" I couldn't stand the resigned look on Clary's face. But instead of letting the emotions linger, I doubled down. "Think about it, Clary. He's your brother, your family. Wouldn't you wish for him to tell you if the roles were reversed?"

"It's different," he said, his fingers fiddling with the hem of his shirt in the same nervous habit. "Because he deserves to be selfish and have someone look out for him. I've spent all my life having everyone else dote on me, from being the youngest to being with our grandpa to our aunt. And you. I've already depended on you far too much. Jayna included. I'm tired of being everybody's problem."

My hands reached his as I stared into his eyes. I wanted nothing more than to reach into his head and beat those silly thoughts away. He was already dealing with a failing heart; he didn't need those belittling thoughts. "You're not a problem. An enigma? Yes. A complicated but peculiar creature, yes. Maybe a little quirky, sure. But you are not and never will be anybody's problem. You're Clarence Lim. Anyone would be lucky to have met you."

"I can't do this to him, Ez. I can't let him suffer anymore."

"Well, I love you and can't let you do this." The words tumbled from my mouth without thinking. Though it wasn't the best thing to say, I was too stubborn to take it back.

"Ezra."

"Is that what you want? To be completely alone? Because you're not a burden, Clarence. The people in your life chose to be near you—I chose to be here with you. I want you to depend on me."

"Ez, please. You can't. You have to forget me," Clary said as if it was such an easy thing. "Promise me you'll move on. You'll find someone else who can give you everything you could want."

I shook my head. "No."

"Ez."

"I can't do that. It's impossible."

"You have to move on. I can't be the one—"

"I want you, Clary." The confession hadn't been planned as I wanted, but it needed to be said. "I just wanted you. I don't care how much it'll hurt or how much fucking time you have left. I can't stomach the idea of you not being here, and I want to be by your side. I want you to be happy and comfortable during this, not freaking out and worried about the aftermath. I'm tired of you thinking you can handle this because no one should have to face something like this alone. I'm here and I'll always be here for you, whether you want me to or not."

"I—"

"I know Jayna couldn't handle it, but I've always been here, right? Through all of your ups and downs with her. Whenever you thought your heart would give up, I was there for you. When you chose to go on that hike, everyone said it was unhealthy; I still went with you because you wanted to see the sunset in person—I even carried you down that sketchy hill when the heat was getting to you.

"I know it's illogical—that it's only going to be painful later, but I don't care. I don't care that it's unhealthy or that it's better to put distance between us because of what I feel for you, but I mean it when I said I want to be there for you, Clary—every damn step of the way. You could ask me to shoulder the weight of the world and I'd do it in a heartbeat.

"Hate me if you want, but I know you're used to people walking away. You're used to everyone leaving you, so you try to push people away before it can happen. That happened with your family, friends from college, and even Jayna. But I won't be someone who leaves you behind, Clary. I'm here to stay whether you like it or not. I'll accept if you don't want to contact your brother. But don't—please don't push me away too."

Clary hadn't said anything, letting me rant my stupid, stubborn monologue. But as the seconds passed and my chest calmed from the outburst, his silence was nerve-wracking. Did my mouth run off too much? Maybe he was freaking out about my confession slip and trying to find the politest way to tell me to fuck off. It wouldn't have been the first time that's happened.

"I think that's the most you've said at once," he finally joked, a smile barely appearing. "It's usually me ranting to you."

His teasing elicited a light-hearted scoff from me. "Did any of that get through to you? I know I tend to mumble."

"Thank you." Clary's shoulders weren't as tense. "I still don't want to tell him; please understand that I—"

"You don't have to explain."

"But I can't just ignore what you said either," Clary said slowly. "He deserves to know, deserves some form of explanation."

I nodded, glad that my stubbornness had paid off. "Let me know, and I'll help you."

A genuine smile lit Clary's face up, one that always took my breath away. "You think they still sell those old-fashioned maps of the city?"