Project: A Stark Winter

Chapter Fifteen: Definitely

The ragged sound of heavy breathing filled the humid training room as Bucky swung his hardest at the punching bag in front of him. It swayed and groaned as each blow landed. Bucky tried to keep thoughts of you from floating through his mind, the pain of losing you still a fresh scar on his heart, but as he fell into rhythm with his punches you soon were the only thing he could think about. A shiver runs down his spine remembering the day you left his life forever. He could still see your hair whipping around your beautiful face as tears fell free from your sad eyes. He had screamed for you to wait, hoping to get to you before it was too late. With one simple gesture you had told him you loved him, and that was what haunted him the most. So much time he had wasted on guarding himself against you; too afraid of allowing himself to fall for you. He had always acted like your bratty, know-it-all attitude was the bane of his existence, but every snide comment you made actually made him love you more. You were unafraid to be yourself and cared so deeply for the world around you. Your passion for life was alluring and so he had created distance to protect himself. It had pained Bucky to watch you slowly fall for Steve, calming your passionate and fiery side in favor of a comfortable relationship. Bucky loved Steve but hated to see you dull yourself to be with someone who would never be able to match your wild spirit. He had dusted and come back to you and Steve being closer than ever, moved into a shared room in the tower and talking about marriage. What was left of his heart had shattered into a million pieces watching Steve comfort you over the loss of your father. The night you had kissed him, he had heard your fight with Steve as he was walking down the hall past your room. Everything in Bucky had screamed to walk back the way he came, but fate, or his own selfish desire, had decided to bring you together. There was something comforting and painfully sad about connecting with you over grief. Steve had lost people; some of them the same between the two of them. Bucky watched as you tried and failed to pick yourself up from what shattered you. When passion ignited between himself and you, there was no way to extinguish that flame; all thoughts of right and wrong fleeing from his mind. Bucky breathed in every part of you, afraid that this was his only moment in time to hold you in his own arms. The kiss had been electric and hungry; every inch of his mouth trying to conquer yours. His hands had savored your flesh as he ran them down the length of your body, an unquenchable thirst deep in his soul for you. Bucky tasted forever in that kiss. Against his better judgement , he could imagine late-night giggles in bed, whispered confessions and I love you's. Things he had never allowed himself to want; feeling tainted by his years as the Winter Soldier. Though with you, he wanted it all, but as he felt the kiss deepen, so did his guilt. Reliving the moment he had dumped you onto the cold ground, Bucky threw a final hard punch and knocked the punching bag from the chains that held it. Such and idiot. More wasted moments. He wiped the sweat from his brow with his forearm and sat on the ground, back resting against the destroyed gym equipment with his head hanging low.
"I think you've killed enough punching bags today, Buck. Let's get some lunch." Steve's tired baritone voice called to Bucky from where he stood, casually leaning in the doorframe of the gym. Without a word or nod, Bucky just stood and followed Steve to the kitchen.

════ ⋆★⋆ ════

For a while, not a word was spoken between them as they fell into a comfortable silence while making lunch. Sitting at the kitchen island, sandwiches before them, the super soldiers continued to stay in the silence both lost on what to say to the other. Bucky picked at the food before him, his appetite had gone since you left and his dark circles told the story of fitful sleep as well. He eyed Steve curiously and saw the same darkened and tired eyes. Steve was usually well put together; your standard All-American boy with a winning smile that oozed charm and comfort. That man was long gone as Bucky looked at his friend's disheveled appearance as he slowly chewed his meal. Steve's hair had grown considerably longer in the weeks since you'd left; framing his solemn face along with an ever-growing beard. His clothes were tattered and wrinkled, bearing the proof of long nights out looking for a fight. People grieved differently, Bucky knew that, but Steve was taking this loss especially hard.
After you had walked through that portal to god knows where, Steve had nearly killed Strange for allowing you to do something so reckless. Pinning him against the nearest light post and raising the shield against his throat, Steve had yelled for Strange to tell him where you went. It was a rare sight to see him so raw with anger and it had caused even Bucky to take a step back. It had taken the entire team to calm Steve enough to let Strange go where he took a ragged breath, hands on his knees.
"I-I don't know where she went, Steve. I'm sorry." Stephen cried on a whisper, eyes filled with tears of guilt as he looked from face to face of the team and finally settling on the devastated faces of Steve and Bucky.
"Is she okay?" Bucky croaked, voice aching from the strain to keep his sobs suppressed. He kept his eyes locked on the spot where you had been just moments before, praying that you'd reappear and this entire thing would be a bad dream. Strange but his lip as he watched Bucky, knowing his answer wouldn't be enough.
"Y/n is in another universe in which she doesn't exist. I have no way of knowing where she ended up, what she's doing, or if she's okay. It was our only chance at saving her."
Steve threw his shield to the ground at Sam's feet and looked the team over as they stood there; mouth's agape.
"That's yours now. I have nothing left to fight for." He stated flatly.
"Steve, Man. Look, I know that-" Sam consoled in a soft tone as he stepped slowly forward. Steve, shaking in anger and sadness, grabs him by the collar of his uniform and pulls him eye to eye as he screams.
"No. You don't know. I don't want the 'we lost her too' speech. I'm done. Find a new leader. I'm so fucking sick of losing the people I love. And this one's on me." Steve releases him roughly, causing Clint to throw out an arm to steady him. Wanda moves to hug Steve, comfort him, do something as he struggled with the loss of you. As her arms went to wrap around him, Steve placed a hand on her shoulder firmly.
"I can't be the Steve that you need from me. If you're looking for a leader, that's not me." He denounced as he turned away. Wanda pulled her hands quickly to her chest as if burned by the action of being rejected. The team stared on in disbelief at this new demeanor in their friend who turned his back and walked over to Bucky solemnly. Steve nudged him softly with his foot causing Bucky to bring his trauma filled eyes to meet Steve's heartbroken gaze. Silently, they nodded and began the walk back to the tower; Bucky toying with the bravely you had given him while both him and Steve cried quietly mourning the loss of their lover.
The weeks that followed were much of the same since everyone lived under one roof together and everyone had taken a step back from the fuming Steve until he settled into a defeated shell of himself. Everyone aside from Bucky.
"Are you going to keep staring at me or do you plan on sayin' what's on your mind?" Steve's gruff voice breaks Bucky from his thoughts and pulls his gaze to meet Steve's sorrowful eyes. Bucky stops his idle hands and turns to look at Steve full on. He opens his mouth and no words escape; so much to say but not sure of how to say it. Tears brim at the corners of his pale blue eyes as he looks at his friend. Steve's face softens as he sees Bucky struggle with his emotions, the love for his friend outweighing his hurt. He gently places a hand on Bucky's shoulder and lowers his head to meet his gaze firmly.
"I miss her too, Buck." Steve confides as he peers into Bucky's eyes, wanting him to feel the sincerity in his words.
"I-I just knew she was up to something...I should have stopped her." Bucky mumbles in defeat, averting his eyes. The hand on his shoulder tightens its grip.
"I don't blame you one bit. Everything happens for a reason and I know that if none of this had happened you wouldn't have made a move on her..." Steve's voice trails off sadly as he recalls your kiss with Bucky. Bucky slowly brings his eyes to meet Steve's again but finds only a kind smile.
"You don't hate me for kissing your girl?" He asks incredulously, unable to hide the surprise as it flashes across his face. Steve simply chuckles and shakes his head, leaning back in his island stool as he watches his friend. The two had been friends for so long that some things didn't need to be spoken, they both just knew. Steve loved the two of you so much that all he wanted was happiness for everyone. As he had watched you two kiss, full of life and passion his heart had broken for only a second, more relieved that you could make someone as cold as Bucky feel alive. He wasn't sure what you wanted and there was never time for you to explore what could have been with Bucky. Steve had spent many nights since you left thinking over how he had missed your feelings for his friend. When Bucky had told him that day in the training room of the kids the two of you had shared, the first emotion Steve felt wasn't that of anger. He felt curious. The two of you fought and bickered constantly and Bucky always seemed to be irked by your presence. What a cruel twist of fate for the three of you though. Steve loved you so much and he wanted to see Bucky happy, too. All the nights Steve had spent with you in his bed and arms and planning a future only to give you up? Steve released a deep sigh and rests his chin on his hands as he thinks it over. The silence hung in the air again as they both pondered the bigger looming question until finally, Steve spoke up.
"Do you think she's actually alright?"
"She's probably terrorizing whoever's life she wound up in," Bucky replied matter-of-factly. And with that, they both laughed knowing your insatiable appetite for causing trouble. As they sat there, Bucky's hairs on the back of his neck stood on end and he got the odd sense that he was being watched. Slowly and cautiously he turned his head to look over his shoulder. There was a small flickering of light that he almost passed off as the mid-day sun shone through the open space of the tower. Then suddenly he caught a glimpse of a woman standing in a beautiful orchard. As the sunlight shimmered around the figure, his super soldier hearing was able to pick up on the faintest of voices as his eyes strained to focus on the image.
"I'm glad they're okay." The figure speaks ever so quietly but the voice was unmistakable. It was you, sadly looking back at him while wiping tears from you cheeks with the sleeves of your shirt. There was no recognition that you noticed him seeing you, as things were happening quickly and then as if like a mirage you slowly faded away until he was left staring at the pale grey walls of the kitchen.
"She's definitely up to no good." Steve chuckled as he continued to eat his sandwich, oblivious to the ghost of you Bucky had just seen. Eyes wide with shock, Bucky swallowed past the dry lump in his throat and sat back in his chair.
"Definitely."