Project: A Stark Winter

Chapter Two: Through the Mists of Time

You had packed quickly for your trip to the Stark cabin where your younger sister Morgan and Pepper still lived. After losing Tony, Pepper felt that city life no longer called to her. Morgan had only truly known the peace and tranquillity of the small lake house so there they stayed. Pepper had asked you and Steve to convert your dads old workshop into a temporary guest house, but you had flat out refused. Every moment you spent in that place felt like the ghost of your dad was looking over your shoulder. How could you feel peace in a place like that? Grabbing the essential extra clothes, changing quickly, and tossing in various toiletries into a duffel bag; you silently made your way through the tower. Steve was nowhere to be seen, most likely in the training room taking the opportunity to air out some anger on an unsuspecting punching bag. Not that you blamed him, of course. You were slightly relieved at not having to have a confrontation on such little sleep, but decided to send a goodbye text as you headed toward the elevator.

                              Y/N: Heading out now. I'll text you
                                  when I get there when I get there

Steve: Sounds good.

                           Y/N: I'll be home in a day or two, ok?

Steve: Come home safe, doll. I love you.
                                                         
                                  Y/N: I love you, Stevie.
                                            I'm always safe by the way.

Steve: You and I both know
             that you're reckless lol
                                             
                    Y/N: Says the guy who jumps on
                             grenades and crashes airplanes.

Steve: Which makes me an expert
on these things.
Have fun and hug Pepper and
Morgan for me x

There was only a slight twinge of guilt that you were going alone on this trip out of town when Pepper had invited you both, but you shoved it away quickly before you lost all courage to press the elevator button to the descend to the garage. While waiting, Bucky strolls up behind you casually.
"Hey, where are you off to?" He asks, but with little emotion as he gestures to your overnight bag. There was a bit of panic that flickers through his eyes but he was careful to mask it from his features. Weird. You think to yourself.
"I'm going to head to the lake house for a day or two. Get some space...visit. Steve thinks it'll be good for me." The honesty of your words surprises you. The rest of the team would have gotten a short "to visit Pepper!", but for some reason you couldn't stop your mouth from moving. Bucky hums in response as he rocks on his heels. Elevator doors slide open as you both step into the small space and he reaches around your shoulders to press the button to the training floor and then yours to the garage; leaning close with part of his chest pressed against your side. Your heart picked up a few beats involuntarily at the contact, remembering the other night on the terrace. Clearing your throat as he drops his arm, Bucky opens his mouth to speak as you cut him off.
"Training with Steve?" You ask, quirking an eyebrow as you take in his attire. He wore fitted jeans, a Henley shirt, and baseball cap. Not the most comfortable choice of clothing for exercise.
"Uh not exactly."
"Assassins. So full of secrets." You mumble, rolling your eyes.
"Ex."
"Huh?"
"Ex-Assassin. If you're gonna take a jab at me, get your facts right, sweetheart." Bucky snarks as he brushes past you when the doors open to the training floor. You hear the unmistakable sound of Steve's fists hitting a punching bag in the background, making you wince. Bucky picks up on the sound of it and looks at you sympathetically, shrugs, and turns to walk in Steve's direction. He stops short before sharply turning to look at you.
"Y/n...I'll talk to him. Just come home soon, alright?" He whispers, the sound low and pleading. Your head jerks back every so slightly in confusion. What is he talking about? You wonder to yourself; frustration building in your chest. Did Steve ask him to say something? This time you chose to bite your tongue against fury that began to rise and you nod curtly.
"I'll always come back. Scout's honor."
"That's good. Because if you didn't I'd have to actually use some of those assassin skills to get you back and I'm retired." Bucky teases with a smirk and turns to stride away; satisfied with your answer. Your mouth drops open as you stare after him glaring at his broad shoulders and cocky posture. Sticking a hand out before the elevator doors shut you can't keep yourself from getting the last word.
"Make sure you stretch. Don't want you to pull a muscle, old man." You call to him sassily. Bucky doesn't turn around but throws the middle finger in your direction as the doors slide shut and carry you the final few floors to the garage. As you walk up to the bay that holds your car you see the shadow of a figure leaning against it. Slowing your steps you reach for the dagger that is always hidden in the jacket pocket on your right side and prepare to attack. Swinging your body around to catch the shadow off guard, you bring the dagger to the throat of none other than Peter Parker who looks both shocked and confused.
"Woooah, y/n. It's me Peter!" He squeaks out and throws his hands up in surrender. Lowering the knife immediately and placing it back in its place you let out an exasperated sigh.
"Jesus, Pete. Don't you know better than to lurk around a lady's car? What are you doing here anyway?" You question with a soft smile. He just mirrors your smile shyly and shoves his hands into his jeans pockets with a shrug.
"I-Steve said you were going to the cabin...and I thought..."
"That you could tag along? Of course Peter. There's always room for you." You pull him into a tight hug. This was going to be an emotionally draining day for you both, but you were glad that you'd have Peter there. He was such a sweet kid and you could see why your dad loved him so much. Peter was such a support to you and has been through so much that sometimes you forget he's just a teenager. As you collectively mourned the loss of Tony Stark, you and Peter had grown to have a sibling relationship and you truly loved him as a little brother. With him being an only child, he craved the ability to have someone to share the things in life that only family could understand. It just hurt that it took such a profound loss to bring you so close together. You unlock the car and toss yours and Peters overnight bags into the backseat.
"Ready to go, Spidey?" You wiggle your eyebrows at him while walking around to the driver side and sliding in. He takes the passenger seat enthusiastically and begins pulling various things out of his backpack, practically bouncing in his seat.
"I got us some snacks, and dude you look tired. I have an energy drink too if you want that? Aunt May says I can't drink them because I already have so much energy." You happily accept the offer of caffeine and gummy worms. So much for a balanced breakfast but it couldn't be any worse that sugary cereal right? Pulling out of the garage you begin the drive to the lake house which would be an hour and a half or so from Manhattan to Upstate. Settling in you drum your fingers in the steering wheel and release uneven breaths as you do a rerun of the interaction with Bucky. He had seemed so worried when you had mentioned going to see Pepper and staying for a few days; emphasizing that he wanted you to come home. It was also odd for him to be going down to see Steve without exercise clothes on while Steve was working through his frustrations. He said he wasn't going to train with him so what was he planning on doing?
"Hey. Everything alright?" Peter asks, brown eyes looking deeply into yours as they briefly held his.
"Yup. Just tired and-"
"You and Steve fought again, didn't you?"
"Dude. I really need to stop telling you all my shit."
"Tallying up that I was right, so that's Peter thirteen? And y/n ten, was it?"
"Listen, smart ass. Steve and I fight all the time so that doesn't count." You laugh for a moment and then grimace at what you said, grip tightening on the wheel.
"I'm definitely no expert on relationships, like I haven't even told the girl I like that I like her or anything and she's like the greatest most beautiful and smartest and-okay off track. But have you thought about why you fight?" Peter asks honestly. A scoff passes your lips as you reach down and take a long sip of the energy drink he brought for you. Did you actually know?
"It's the grief and there's just so-"
"Yeah I'm calling bullshit."
"Excuse me?"
"That's a bullshit excuse. You're okay talking to me, but your fiancé? You don't even try with him."
"How would you know? You're not there, Pete."
"Steve did call me, remember?" He said popping a gummy worm in his mouth and chewing thoughtfully.
"Fuck. I'm sorry. I don't want you to be caught up in all this." You admit, reaching over to place your hand on his. Giving a squeeze you let go and grab a few of the gummy worms he offers you with a smile. Giggling you chew them happily as you let the silence hang for a moment.
"I don't feel 'caught in it.' You're like my sister, y/n. I do anything for you. We are both just trying to be happy and right now I don't think we know what that looks like yet. You love Steve, but that love will be different. I think. Again not an expert and I'm technically twenty one years old but don't look a day past sixteen." Peter speaks with such certainty, even as he jokes and waves a half eaten Kit-Kat in his hand. Your eyes brimmed with tears as you looked at his sweet face, remembering the day you lost him. Swallowing the lump in your throat, you run a hand through your hair.
"Friday? Play Peter is Uncultured playlist."
"Yes, Ms. Stark." The A.I. responds, and you swear that you almost hear a hint of amusement in the voice. Peter snorts a laugh as the beginning chords of Toto's Rosanna play softly in the car.
"Your dad liked this stuff?" He asked with a scrunched nose and arms crossed.
"No. He looooved this stuff. Hence the reason you're uncultured according to him."
"H-he made this?" Peter mutters in response, turning fully to face you in disbelief. You smile widely as you turn the volume up as the music plays
"I never thought that losing you could ever hurt so bad." You sing along in dramatic fashion, the words hitting home in a way they hadn't before. Peter smiled sadly as he watched you sing the rest of the song, him playing air guitar and laughing with you.
"Dad loved you, Peter. He saw himself in you and you're the reason he built that portal in the first place."
"I wish I could have told him so many things."
"Me too, but we have each other and Morgan. I think dad would be happy with that. His kids together." Peter blinked rapidly at your implication. You'd never said anything like that out loud before. Mushy wasn't your typical style, but hell you were going to try. This cycle of grief is fucking killer.
"I love you, Pete. You're the brother I wish I always had growing up."
"I love you, too." He whispers through tears, not able to meet your eyes, afraid he'd breakdown fully. Clearing your throat, you lay yourself on the back mentally for the progress of dealing with emotions and decide that enough of that.
"I would have tortured you so much." You admit honestly, before breaking out into full, unashamed laughter. Peter joins you as he struggles to breath through howling laughs. The drive went on uneventfully after that apart from Peter describing in detail his friends, school, science fair project, and various Star Wars theories. You were able to laugh and sing along with him as you felt yourself calming ever so slightly. As Friday informed you that you were close, that sense of calm faded. Pulling into the dirt drive that led to the cabin, a small knot formed in your stomach. As if sensing your thoughts Peter quips up, "I don't know if I'm ready for this either. But, it doesn't hurt to try, right?" He looks into your eyes hoping to see reassurance there. You try your best to plaster on a smile and nod. Peter was right, doesn't hurt to try. Winding closer you pull up to the cabin and park. Stepping from the car you do a cat-like stretch and shake out the stiffness from traveling.
"Y/n's here!! Mommy! She's here! And Peter too!" A small voice calls from the porch. Bolting down the porch steps on tiny legs comes your little sister Morgan. Brown hair and sweet brown eyes, like her father rushing to greet you. Without giving you a second to say 'hi' she barrels into you throwing herself into your arms. Morgan wraps her arms around your neck and hugs tightly. You hug her back pouring every ounce of love you can into the embrace. You pull back and place her feet firmly back on the ground and crouch to get on her level. She places her hand on your shoulder as she looks into your tired eyes and says, "You need a nap, Speck." The both of you begin laughing; full and unfiltered with her sweet 5 year old giggle echoing through the trees. As you stand back up, you see Pepper standing on the porch watching the exchange with tears in her eyes and a soft smile on her face. She gestures for you to come inside and turns and walks back through the front door.
"I'll be right back, bug. I'm gonna go talk to Pepper and then we can play, okay?" You call to your sister who has already moved on to terrorizing Peter. She was your sister, alright. The only response you get is a short nod as she's already chasing Peter in a game of tag. You take a deep breath, grabbing your duffel bag from the car and head up the porch, stopping briefly at the threshold before forcing yourself to step through. Inside nothing has changed. It truly feels as if your father were going to come down the stairs any minute announcing his latest scheme and how if you don't stop using all the hot water you'd have to start taking baths in the lake. Smiling at the memory of your dad, you set your bag down and head to the kitchen where you find Pepper is prepping lunch.
"Hi." You say softly, unsure of what else to say. Her back is to you as she cuts vegetables for a Greek salad, the sound of sharp and rhythmic chopping the only sound to be heard. You wait in silence as her body tenses at your voice and her hands freeze on what she's doing. Pepper turns to you then and crosses her arms over her chest popping one hip out; a move you are all too familiar with as she used it on your dad often.
"You walk into this house after weeks of ignoring my calls and all you have to say is 'hi'?"
"I'm sorry, Pepper. I really am. I just....I'm really struggling here and I didn't think I could come back here and be able to keep it together. Especially in front of Morgan." Your lip begins to quiver as you process how much you could've hurt the woman who, for all intents and purposes, was your mother.
"I just keep fucking up. I can't stop pushing people away, making mistakes, lashing out. I feel so lost. Like I'm watching myself fuck up and can't stop. I-I'm sorry..." the tears begin to fall again, cascading down your cheeks as Pepper pulls you into her arms and shushes you gently. As many times as she wanted to be stern with you growing up, her motherly side always came out when she saw tears.
"Honey, it's okay. I've just missed you and we need you here too. Trust me if I didn't have Morgan to keep me going everyday I'd be a mess." Pepper softly confides. You pull away and give her a quick peck on the cheek as you take a seat at the kitchen table placing your head in your hands. Pepper takes the chair opposite you sliding a coffee mug in your direction. You knew Steve had talked to her and you knew that the sooner this conversation happened, the sooner you'd be able to breathe a bit easier.
"I don't want to pry..." Pepper starts and places a hand overtop of your own. "But what did you mean by 'fucking up and lashing out'? Problems with Steve?" You had forgotten just how frank Pepper tended to be where there were problems that needed solving. She had been like that for as long as you could remember. Whether it was bombed tests, failed experiments, or dating drama which always say with you and analyzed whatever happened until you felt at peace. She already knew about the fights so you decided to be honest.
"Well...yeah. We fight almost constantly. A few days ago we agreed to postpone any type of wedding plan, because of everything." You say and gesture to your surroundings.
"He's trying so hard, but it almost feels like the harder he tries the more angry I get. My heart just doesn't feel into it right now. Which is awful because he's so great..." Rubbing your neck you look up into her eyes and see that she's waiting for the rest, she knows you too well to hide anything from her.
"And, uh...last night. Or technically this morning? We got into an argument and I had a panic attack on the balcony. Bucky found me and talked me through it."
"Bucky?" She asks in surprise, a s almost smile toying at her lips that quickly disappears. Sighing, you gritted your teeth for the final part of your confession.
"WekissedandI'mawfulandIfuckedup." You say in a rush, hoping that the faster you get the words out the sooner Pepper will scold you so you can move on from the embarrassing thing that is this conversation. To your surprise Pepper doesn't yell at you or reprimand you at all. Instead, she takes your hands in her own.
"You're not awful. There's a lot that we do to self sabotage when our hearts are broken."
"Steve is going to hate me." You say in defeat.
"I wouldn't be so sure. But you'll never know until you talk to him, hmm? Now, let's have lunch." And with that, the case is closed, Pepper delivering her final verdict that everything would be fine with a clap of her hands.