mafia king

chapter 18 - hard words

Georgino P.O.V

I was sitting on the couch. Salvatore was watching cartoons beside me. I had tried to find Matteo to apologize – the only thing I seemed to be doing the past weeks. God, I hated this feeling. Aurelio had taken me to the gym after that disastrous meal in the diner. Let me take my frustration out in the boxing ring and had then let me crash at his place. I didn't want to go home, only went when I realized that I had a son now. I couldn't pull that shit anymore, wasn't fair to him or Rose who always was with him. So, when she asked if I thought I could handle watching Tory alone today, I had jumped at that. Proving to myself that I may be a sucky (ex-)boyfriend, friend and son – I at least was a good enough father. Salvatore hadn't cried yet, so I think I was doing alright. I had played with him all day, so I think it was okay to give myself a little break by letting him watch cartoons for an hour. I let my hand wander through his curls and pressed a small kiss on the back of his head. "Hey you two." Rose came into the living room. She wore a dress full of flowers and I waved at her. "I brought diner." She lifted a bag full of Chinese takeout. "Great! Because I was just about to go with Tory to the main house and talk someone into cooking for us." "How would you have done that?" We went into the kitchen. "Have you seen his adorable face?" Rose laughed and it made me happy, that she could laugh even if she was now living a life she hadn't wanted. Making the best of it, that was her moto.

After Salvatore went to bed, we cleaned the kitchen. I almost let a glass slip out of my hand when Rose said: "I spoke with Matteo today. I can understand why you fell in love with him. He is an amazing guy." "Why did you talk with him? About what?" I put the glass on the table. Rose and Matteo in one room. "You look like you are going to be sick." Rose told me and I couldn't argue with that observation. "What did you say?" "Does it matter? You aren't with him anymore." What the hell was she doing? "Matteo and I are going through a rough time. We aren't over." "And after he forgives you, what are you going to do then?" "What do you mean?" "Are you going to keep him a secret? Lie about your feelings to everyone? Shove him in the shadows?" "Rose-." I started. It felt like she was pressing down on a wound she knew was already hurting. "What's your point here?" "I want you to stop lying to yourself." Rose looked tired. "Be a good example to your son and say it." "Say what!?" I nearly yelled. "You know what to say." "I don't." "You do, you are just too scared to admit it." "Admit what?" I felt my heart start beating faster. "You can admit that you love Matteo, but you can't admit the other thing." Rose shook her head and put the dishes in the sink. "Admit what?" I repeated, trying to rub the tightness away forming in my chest. "What you are." She simply said and held my stare. "Who you are." I felt like running away. "You have pretended long enough. Others have let you pretend long enough." Her voice turned cold. She tilted her head, daring me to say it. "Admit it. Say it. Scream it if you want but stop hiding. I won't let you." "Why?" I croaked. "Because you have become my friend! Say it!" She snapped and I felt like someone was sitting on my chest. "No." "No?" She echoed, incredulously. "Say it for yourself then. Not for Matteo or me or Tory." I felt sick. "Tell yourself. Stop hiding. You are only going to hurt yourself further." I could feel the words forming in my throat. "I-." I swallowed heavily. "I'm gay." I said, my chest heaving. I had never said those words. I had thought it, knew it since I was six, dreaded it but never told anyone. Not even Matteo, which was absurd. "Say it again." Rose demanded. "I'm gay." I said, my voice quivering less. "Again." "I'm gay." I breathed more easily. "I'm gay." Tears rolled down my cheeks. 28 years of walls broken by Rose in one evening. I slid down to the floor and Rose hugged me while I sobbed.

That night I slept like the dead. And for the first time I woke up without that heavy feeling in my heart. Without being scared because I was gay. I wasn't out and proud, I don't think I ever would be, but I knew how big that step yesterday was. If Rose hadn't pushed, I would have lied to myself until I drew my last breath. I really needed her to damage my walls enough for me to break them. I sat up in bed and put my head in my hands. Gay, the thing my father had told me since I was a child was wrong. A sin. But I had to tell him anyway. If I wanted to have a future with Matteo – which I wanted more than to breath – I needed to be honest. I'm gay and in love with a man that made me so happy I wanted to explode. If I felt like that for hiding myself for 28 years, Matteo must feel similar. I did to him what I suffered through. To be honest I was surprised he still even loved me. I hid him and lied about him. First, I would tell Matteo and then my father and then I would tell everyone who asked. No more lies.

My head was still spinning. It felt like I woke up a new man. And I really needed to see Matteo. I had driven to the main house and raced up the steps to his room. I saw Marco and Mario in the kitchen making porridge, so I knew Matteo had to be here. He was the only one that really liked that stuff. Did I knock or just go in? Fuck, I'd just go right in. His room hadn't changed much. Bed, gaming stuff and clothes all over the floor. Matteo was still sleeping. Half of his body hanging over the bed. My heart was racing but I managed to peel of my shoes and jackets without making too much sound. I crawled behind him and gently pulled him closer, so I could hug him. God, I wanted to touch him forever. "Matteo." I whispered but he didn't stir. I pressed a soft kiss behind his ear. "Baby." I heard his breathing change, and he slowly opened his eyes. "I love you." I said, wanting this to be the first thing he heard this morning. "Am I dreaming?" He murmured and turned around in my arms. I was scared he would push me away. "No." He gave a quizzical look. Here goes nothing: "Matteo. I want to tell you something. It's really important." "Okay." He said, sounding confused. I stared down at him, my arms still around him pressing us together. "I'm gay." He blinked at me and then a smile broke out on his face. "This still feels like a dream." "It's real. I-. Rose practically beat it out of me, but I said it and I am." He cupped my face. "I'm proud of you." I closed my eyes and tried to store this memory in my heart forever. The feel, the smell, the sound. "I mean-. I knew you were gay. You like to kiss me way too much for you to be straight but to hear it come from your lips." "Cheeky bastard." I murmured and let my head rest on his chest. "I'm sorry that I made you feel like I was ashamed of you. That your love wasn't worthy enough to be shown in public. I-. I'm just sorry." Matteo tightened our hug. "Thank you." He hummed and I wanted to kiss him, but it didn't feel right. I had to take care of too many things before I could ask him to be my boyfriend again. Labels, introduction as a couple, dates. Everything done right this time. I wasn't going to screw this up again. I felt so free. I loved it and it scared the shit out of me at the same time. Matteo didn't seem to care because I could feel him move on top of me, tilting his head but before he could kiss me, I moved my head, so he was only kissing my cheek. "Uh, sorry." He mumbled and I wanted to kick myself at the hurt look in his eyes. "I want to do things the right way." "The right way?" He echoed. "Yeah." "Like ask my mother for her approval or what?" I laughed. "No. Unless you want me to." He snorted. "You can be so weird sometimes." "You said something similar to me when I first met you." "I did?" I caressed his cheek. "Marco and you were painting and because I thought you looked really cute with your tongue stuck out in concentration, I sat down next to you." I grinned when he blushed. "And then you turned towards me, eyed me like I was the most annoying thing you had ever seen and told me I was weird out of the blue. I was hooked." Matteo laughed. "I remember that. You practically sat in my lap and were staring." "I never stopped staring at you." "It's a good think I love you or else that would be very creepy." I was cursing my no kissing rule right now. He looked so kissable. "I'm going to tell my father later." Matteo's smile fell. "That you are gay?" "I'm done hiding myself and hiding how happy you make me. I will tell him." "His reaction won't be positive." "I don't care. We never had a close bond anyway." "Can I come with you?" "Why?" "I want to protect you." Hell no. "I'd rather you stay here and be safe." He didn't look happy but there was no way I'd knowingly put him in harm's way. "It won't be that bad." Hopefully. Maybe. Who am I kidding, it wasn't going to be pretty.