Faded

12. Paper cranes | 紙クレーン

Izumi:

I don't know what I was expecting by staying with you in the forest. I couldn't leave on my own anyway. You didn't leave me any chance.

"Why are we here? Is there any rational explanation?" I asked while you were engrossed in origami.

"Just because," you calmly replied.

"I don't like how you speak in such short phrases. It doesn't make any sense, seriously. Everything was good, so what's the matter?" I persisted, driven by curiosity.

But you remained silent. You turned around and instead of an answer, handed me a paper crane.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" I asked irritably. As the shock of realization gradually left me, anger and impatience took its place.

"Nothing. It's just something," you said casually.

That nauseating calm tone of yours again. I wanted to tear that crane apart and throw the paper at your face. I don't know why I held back. Whether it was fear of you or pity. I tried to hold back my emotions, but the tears betrayed me. It's always like that. When I can't beat someone up, I cry. I hate showing weakness, but I still haven't learned to control myself.

And you shamefully averted your gaze. It was evident that it made you very uncomfortable. You didn't even know how to react when you saw tears in my eyes.

In the first days after my pathetic attempt to escape, I tried to ignore you. Is it difficult not to utter a single word for three weeks? Yes. It was very difficult for me back then. I wanted to scream out of frustration, curse you, and scratch your beautiful face, but I restrained myself because I didn't know what I would do next.

You taught me that aggression is not the solution. You didn't unleash it upon me, at least not physically (excluding that slap after the first escape attempt). Your calmness exerted the strongest pressure on me. You reacted so neutrally to my silence. Ignored me in return.

Meanwhile, in the province and in Tokyo, they were looking for us. The police, volunteers. It's unpleasant to be on a suicide list while still alive. It seemed like you didn't care.

"I don't care about my loved ones. I'm indifferent to their worries. I don't even have any. It's all fake, superficial. I just want to convey to you that nobody cares. At most, the absolute maximum they will suffer, or rather unconsciously simulate suffering, would be for a year. And then they will forget, as unpleasant as it sounds. They will remember you less and less, accept the fact that you're no longer alive, and continue to exist. That's how it goes."

At that time, I didn't know that you spoke like this because you didn't have parents, and no one had ever loved you in this life.