Faded

16. Figurines | 人形

Izumi:

I remember that day when I seriously tried to kill you. It was a horrifying night. Dark, gloomy, it weighed on me mentally. We were supposed to sleep by the light of small candles. But I fought against sleep. When I saw that you had finally closed your eyes, I got up from the floor and, taking one of the totemic figurines, slowly approached you. The creak of the wooden floor woke you up just as I swung and struck you. You didn't even scream, just curled up in pain.

For the first time, I realized the horror of what I had done. I became scared, but instead of trying to help you in any way, I once again attempted to escape. As soon as I rushed towards the door, I realized that you had locked it. I had no other option, but I still frantically tried to open the door. And you, seemingly unbreakable, despite the blood running down your face. It seemed like you had a knife or something sharp in your hands, but I was just paranoid. You grabbed onto me, but you didn't hit or choke me. You just held me close and tried to calm me down.

Soon, I understood your tactics. You influenced me with love, not with evil.

Hideo:

You were afraid of me, and it's completely understandable. I can't be angry with you or demand anything. I understand how terrible what I'm doing to you is, but selfishness always wins out. You know, I deserve to die. There's no point in looking at the sky and asking 'why.' I've always been like this since childhood. A narcissistic egoist who justifies himself by claiming that he isn't understood, that he's lost in himself. I demand so much, but give so little. Only a complete psychopath would keep a girl he loves captive, prohibit her from interacting with others, and lie to her. I do all of this every day. Your strike was the least of what I deserved.

But on the other hand, I just needed more love. Assurance that you wouldn't leave if you found out the truth. That you wouldn't 'be friends' with me out of pity. How did the idea of locking you away in the forest, far from everyone, like a bird in a cage, even come about? It happened so suddenly. Remember when we agreed to meet in the evening near the nightclub in Akihabara? You were there with friends. When I approached, I saw how brightly you shone in the company of other people. It was as if I saw your other side, no less beautiful than the one hidden from people in the park during the rain, hoping to be alone for a little while. It was around the club that I understood why you needed solitude so much. Being around people, you were surrounded by their attention with minimal effort on your part. You simply attracted them with your beauty and energy. You stood out from the rest. You were the sun among artificial sources of light. You were a diamond among shards of glass. I saw how they looked at you. I saw how you shimmered in the neon light of the arcade. That sting of jealousy, self-doubt, the fear of losing you when I'm losing myself. That's why I wanted to hide you from everyone while I'm still here.

I feel the blood running down my face. It hurts so much, but it hurts even more to realize my helplessness before you. I don't know what to do to change our relationship in these circumstances. But I'm not ready to let you go.