Always yours | Yoon Jeonghan

3. Past

"I don't really understand why people make such big deals about break-ups." You played with your hoodie strings while wondering. The hand which was brushing your hair fondly stopped for a second as you fixed your head on his lap.

"You have to be in love to understand the pain, stupid." Your boyfriend flicked your forehead causing you to let out a whine rubbing the spot with your fingers.

"Then I hope we never break up." You tip your head back a bit, making eye contact. You grinned cutely, bringing out a silly titter from him. His eyes were twinkling with love he had for you with a soft smile plastered on his lips. He placed his lips on the crown of your forehead, pressing a gentle kiss.

"We won't!"

———————

"Han, you're not even paying attention." you grumbled staring at your boyfriend who was laying on the bed scrolling through his phone. No response received.

"Hannie, are you even listening?" You tugged lightly on his jacket trying to get his attention, he groaned in annoyance.

"Yes, I am. Just talk, y/n." Clicking the device shut he placed it on the nightstand, sighing heavily. He made himself comfortable, placing his arm over his eyes.

" This is not just talking. I'm trying to have a conversation with you." You drew doodles on his chest with the tip of your fingertips. The walls within you were bottling up your emotions were too fragile, ready to break and the taped cracks were not helping either.

You can perceive your relationship going downhill. It all begun when jeonghan started to ditch you on dates to not going out at all, late replies to not even seeing your texts, calling after a single misscall to getting a call from him after several misscalls.

Your relationship started to feel one sided, at this point jeonghan was not even meeting you halfway. He was just at the end, wanting you to take intivate and ease the distance but when you do, he pushes you away towards the starting point.

The bond which once used to feel magical like a blessing, now took a turn. It was exhausting you out - mentally, physically and emotionally.

"Jeonghan, don't you feel tired?" You rested your palm on his chest, where his heart is. This gesture used to be euphoric for him. Not anymore.

" Ofcourse, I am tired. I have been practising for hours for our upcoming basketball match and trainee practice-"

" That's not what I mean. I mean us." You instantly voiced out, not letting him finish with his rant.

" Don't you feel our relationship is not how it used to be?" You hoped he might take the hint and will accept his wrongdoing towards you but it's a routine of yours to get disappointed.

" Do we really have to talk about this right now when I sneaked out just to spend time with you after a month?" Removing his arm over his face, he narrowed his eyes towards you. He sounded infuriated, it triggered you.

" and that's the problem, han. You came here for me but since you arrived you're on your phone." You slightly raised your voice. It was draining your energy out - him, this relationship, every single thing.

"We already talked about this before." Pulling himself up with the help of his elbows, he rested his back on the headboard. Reading your face.

" Yes, we did! But the problem is not solved yet." You sound desperate, begging for him to do something you're not yourself aware of. You badly want the old him back.

The jeonghan who fell for you, the jeonghan who courted you until you accepted his proposal, the jeonghan who never failed to make you feel special but currently, the one sitting beside you with a deadpan look on his face is not the one you fell in love with.

"Then what exactly do you want me to do, y/n?" You held a sob back, taking his hands in yours. The warmth you once felt, the positive energy he used to radiate died long ago.

You were conscious of the reality still you kept the blindfold on. You were in denial and even if you weren't, you were trying to mend things hoping that he might get himself back on track even with the help of those lingering feelings.

But do they even exist anymore?

"I just want us back." You clutch his hand as if you let your hold on him a bit loose, maybe he will vanish into thin air.

"It's been months since you last took me out on a date and when I ask, you never have time for me. I am not asking for extravagant things nor I want you to take me out on a date. I'm not even asking for bare minimum. Even if we spend some quality time at my place with ramen and drinks or nothing, I'm fine." Heaving out a sigh, you let your head drop on his shoulder.

Tears rolling down your cheeks, chest tightening in pain, breath becoming unsteady, you know he can feel his shirt getting wet and you slightly trembling under him.

You have never felt this way for no one for you to go through physical ache in your heart.

"Han, I love you and all I need is you to be here for me but lately even talking to you feels scarce. What's going on with you, han?" Untangling your fingers with his, resting your palms on his shoulders you pushed yourself back. Looking straight in his eyes.

And there it was - the guilt in his eyes.

It was for mere two seconds before he hid his gaze still it didn't fail to scare you for what was about to come next.

"The feelings I had for you-"

The word 'had' was more than enough for you to hear a crack right from your chest, your heart ripping apart in two.

"is not there. I can't feel it anymore." He kept his eyes on his lap, it did not take you a single second to burst out in pure agony.

You cried vulnerably. It was hurting you to a point where you can't even breathe properly.

Jeonghan didn't waste any time pulling you in his embrace, hiding your face in his chest. He rubbed your back with one hand while the other was on your scalp.

"we were fine three months ago so what happened in such a short span of time?" Throwing light punches on his chest, you screeched. He can't help but let out a sob. He kept on muttering apologies with a broken voice which was hardly understandable.

Since the moment he realised he is not into you anymore, the promises he made with his whole heart were meaningless, he felt empty.

And during that course of time when he was hurting, he dragged you in the same hole.

"I don't know if I'm being honest. I have no idea when I lost my feelings for you." It would be a lie if he says it's not hurting him because now he doesn't love you anymore. He still cares for you and watching you bawling your eyes out because he was eating him up alive.

Realising, your dreams have shattered was a hard blow.

"Can you please leave without looking at me? Because if you look at me, I won't be able to let you go." Your voice was hoarse, it was not stable.

Jeonghan never wanted to end things like this, even so he can't do anything but agree with whatever you want. He understands you and respects your decision.

" Please take care of yourself." Cupping your face ever so gently, he placed a long kiss on your forehead. He walked out of the room, apartment and your life. His touch on your warm skin lingered for a bit and when it disappeared, the ache made you realise what you had just lost.

You always imagined your future with jeonghan, you were sure that he would be the one who'll get on his knees proposing to you for marriage and he would be the one standing at the end of the altar.

In the end,
He was just another story for you to tell.

This chapter was a bit difficult to write, it took me a while to arrange emotions in words :(